Clean Jokes

[this one guy]

You know for the same price you can get two of the Mohel knives and have brisket in the freezer! Personally I'm hoping for the 80-Piece Rotary Nose-Picking Kit - what a time saver that would be! You have to admit, whoever did this is pretty damn clever! I'm still laughing at it! -dixon cannon

Well, I'm going for the SOME KIND OF GAUGE, a bargain for $9.99. Perfect for the guy who has everything.

 

[vitanola]

I heard Will Rogers say "Henry Ford was the first man to take a JOKE and make it PRACTICAL" and I've heard references to "Ford jokes," but this is the first time I've seen any of them (old ones.)

[video=youtube_share;KnkRzgJi7QA]http://youtu.be/KnkRzgJi7QA[/video]

 

[nice hat dude!]

The Senility Prayer
God grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway.
The good fortune to run into the ones I do,and
the eyesight to tell the difference.


My memory is not as sharp as it used to be.

Also my memory is not as sharp as it use to be.

 

[jamespowers]

The Senility Prayer
God grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway.
The good fortune to run into the ones I do,and
the eyesight to tell the difference.


My memory is not as sharp as it used to be.

Also my memory is not as sharp as it use to be.

The memory is always the second thing to go.

 

[TheGreyPiper]

Nice! I've heard a version of that where it's a funeral procession led by a man with a dog on a leash, then some mourners and a long line of men. The man explains it's his wife's funeral, the dog did it, and "You think I could borrow that dog?" "End of the line, pal."

 

[nice hat dude!]

The memory is always the second thing to go.

There's been a few nights when I wished it was the 1st thing.(haha)

 

[nice hat dude!]

An elderly lady decided to prepare her will and she told the preacher she had two final requests.
First I would like to be cremated.
Second I would like my ashes spread over Wal Mart
Wal-Mart the preacher declared why on earth at Wal-Mart?
She replied that way I know my daughters will visit me twice a week!!

 

[jamespowers]

Nice! I've heard a version of that where it's a funeral procession led by a man with a dog on a leash, then some mourners and a long line of men. The man explains it's his wife's funeral, the dog did it, and "You think I could borrow that dog?" "End of the line, pal."

In my telling of it, there is a mule leading a funeral procession. A man stops and asks what is going on. The guy says his wife was killed when she went behind the mule and he kicked her in the head. The man replies can I buy that mule from you? He replies===Get in line.

 

[nice hat dude!]

A guy drives his Corvette through a speed trap,doesn't stop so the police officer chases after him.Guy sees the cop in the rear view so he steps on it,looks back again and the cop is still coming.He decides to floor it,now he's doing 120,looks back again and the cop is right on his tail,figures he can't shake the cop so he pulls over.Cop comes up to the window and says to the guy,I'm in a good mood so if you can come up with a good story as to why you made me chase after you I'll let you off with a warning.So the guy says my ex-wife ran away with a cop and I was scared you were bringing her back!!

 

[nice hat dude!]

Old couple cruising through Arizona in their motor home,police pull them over goes up to the window says to the old guy driving that he was driving to fast.His wife hard of hearing asks what's he saying,what's he saying?the old guy tells her he said I was speeding.The cop asks for his drivers license and registration,again the wife asks what's he saying,what's he saying?the old guy tells her he wants to see my drivers license.The cop takes his drivers license and says he'll be right back,returns a few minutes later and says to the old guy I see that you're from Saskatoon Saskatchewan,again the old lady says what's he saying,what's he saying?the old guy tells her he said we're tourists.Cop says I had the worst piece of tail in my life in that town,the old lady says what's he saying,what's he saying?the old guy tells her "he says he thinks he knows you"

 

[randooch]

High school dance, painfully shy guy (Wilbur) with an artificial eyeball, dragged there by his friends who are on the lookout for a girl who'll dance with him.

Aha! They spot just the girl, a wallflower standing nervously and alone in a corner. She has a cleft-palate.

The guys finally talk Wilbur into approaching the girl and asking for a dance, even though he is very self-conscious of his wooden eye. He is sure the girl will laugh at him.

"W-w-would you l-like to dance?" he asks.

She is overcome by happy excitement: "Would I!! Would I!!"

Wilbur turns beet red in anger: "Hair-lip!!! Hair-lip!!!"

 

[nice hat dude!]

Old couple at the Doctor's office for a check up,the Doc examines the old guy tells him that he's in good shape,asks if he has any concerns,the old guy says yes I've noticed that when I have sex with my wife I'm cold an chilly and then when I have sex with her the second time I'm hot and sweaty?When the Doc examined the wife a little while later he says she is fine also and asked if she had any concerns ,she says no everything is fine.The Doc then mentions what her husband told him,the old gal says oh that silly old coot pay no attention to him,that's because the first time is in January and the second time is in August.

 

[nice hat dude!]

OK here's my attempt at appeasing anyone that I'm sure I've offended in the past 100% clean!A Pony walks into a bar and says to the Bartender "May I(cough,cough)have a(cough,cough)beer please"Bartender brings him a beer the Pony says "Thank(cough,cough)you"Bartender asks if he's alright the Pony says"I'm OK I'm just(cough,cough)a little hoarse.......as I slowly creep out the back door(haha)

 

[splintercellsz]

Lol!!!!

 

[nice hat dude!]

Lol!!!!

I didn't say it was good Splinter I said it was 100% clean,supposedly have to try and improve my image(haha)

 

[V.C. Brunswick]

Q: What's the difference between a Hipster and a US Savings Bond?
A: A savings bond will eventually mature and make some money.

 

[nice hat dude!]

Q: What's the difference between a Hipster and a US Savings Bond?
A: A savings bond will eventually mature and make some money.

VC could have even left out the money part on the bond(haha)good one I enjoyed it!!

 

[nice hat dude!]

Here is one you might like if I can get it.
http://sphotos-a.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/47291_494259837262465_678921230_n.png

 

[nice hat dude!]

The "Big Toe"= a device used for locating furniture in dark rooms!!(@#%$ @#%$ that really hurts)

 

[jamespowers]

The "Big Toe"= a device used for locating furniture in dark rooms!!(@#%$ @#%$ that really hurts)

Been there done that.