Clean Jokes

[MisterCairo]

A duck walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist "hey, got any grapes?". Pharmacist says "no, sorry, you'll have to try the supermarket next door". "Thanks!" says the duck and off he goes.

The next day the duck walks into the same pharmacy and agains asks "hey, got any grapes?" to which the pharmacist wearily replies "no, try the supermarket next door". "Thanks!" says the duck.

The following day the duck again walks into the pharmacy and asks the pharmacist if he has any grapes. The pharmacist, now really angry, says "no, and if you come in again and ask for grapes I'll nail your webbed feet to the floor. Now SCRAM!"

The next day the duck walks back into the pharmacy and says to the pharmacist "hey, got any hammers?" The pharmacist, confused, says "no", and the duck says "got any grapes?"

 

[nice hat dude!]

http://sphotos-e.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/252311_400114676732192_728652090_n.jpg

 

[nice hat dude!]

Pretty much sums it up!


http://sphotos-d.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/66779_512157802152046_648099119_n.jpg

 

[jamespowers]

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She recently wrote a note to a friend:

Dear Pearl,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did, because shortly after I had an incredibly uplifting experience!

What happened was that on the way home I stopped for a red light at a busy intersection and got all lost in thought about our Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

It's a darn good thing that someone else also loves Jesus, because if he hadn't honked I'd never have noticed. Then I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there the guy behind me started honking like crazy. And then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of God! Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!"

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Then everyone started honking!

I leaned out my window and waved and smiled at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach. I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. Joey, my teenage grandson, was with me in the passenger seat so I asked him what that meant.
He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.
Joey burst out laughing. Why, even he was enjoying this religious experience!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attend, but I suddenly noticed the light had changed. So, with a big grin I waved at all my spiritual brothers and sisters and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed back again, and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.
So I slowed down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
Will write again soon,

Love, Violet

 

[nice hat dude!]

http://sphotos-g.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/69467_516192098404393_398722004_n.jpg

 

[jamespowers]

http://sphotos-g.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/69467_516192098404393_398722004_n.jpg

That is true.

 

[nice hat dude!]

That is true.

I'm fortunate mines a 94 first year that Ford went to the Power Stroke but as you might recall they had a lot of bugs with them and pulled the "Strokes" for a few months and went back to the original "Binder" diesels for a short time,I happened to get this one without the Power Stroke.

 

[jamespowers]

I'm fortunate mines a 94 first year that Ford went to the Power Stroke but as you might recall they had a lot of bugs with them and pulled the "Strokes" for a few months and went back to the original "Binder" diesels for a short time,I happened to get this one without the Power Stroke.

That rig looks nice for a Ford. You need some chrome stacks on it.

 

[nice hat dude!]

This guy I truly feel sorry for,I'm sure everyone can relate,
http://sphotos-h.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/149755_506362656061869_377848404_n.jpg

 

[jamespowers]

That is because it means go faster.

 

[nice hat dude!]

Sorry couldn't resist,

http://sphotos-g.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/526007_10152372672715377_913496540_n.jpg

 

[nice hat dude!]

http://sphotos-f.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/8091_10151810927445377_1878439429_n.jpg

 

[jamespowers]

"Did you give the prisoner the third degree?" the police sergeant asked the detective.

"Yeah, we browbeat him pretty good," nodded the other. "Asked him every question we could think of."

"And did you get a confession?" asked the sergeant.

"Not exactly," explained the officer. "All he'd say was, 'Yes dear,' and doze doff."

 

[nice hat dude!]

Another one for the Ladies,
http://sphotos-d.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/305560_177808529023866_262099400_n.jpg

 

[nice hat dude!]

Cleaning Tip,
http://sphotos-g.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/530727_173152702822782_435855095_n.jpg

 

[jamespowers]

A couple doing last-minute Christmas Eve shopping at a local mall was overwhelmed by the packed crowds. The wife looked up to see that her husband was suddenly nowhere to be seen. Annoyed because of all the shopping they still had to do, she pulled out her cell phone and called him to find out where he was.

"Hi, honey," her husband said, "Do you remember the jewelry store we were in five years ago where you fell in love with a diamond necklace that we just couldn't afford and I told you that one day I would get it for you?"

Overcome by emotion, his wife whispered, "Oh, yes, I remember the store!"

"Well," her husband said, "I'm in the bar next door to it."

 

[jamespowers]

Early one Christmas Eve many, many years ago, Santa Claus was getting his sleigh ready for the night's journey. A polar storm had set in and heavy snow was falling. The gale-force winds were was bitterly cold and the reindeer were skittish. The elves, trying to cope in the blinding snow, were running late, and when they finally finished loading the sleigh with its enormous cargo of gifts, an impatient Santa started to hitch up the reindeer.

As he reached in the stormy gloam to adjust a harness strap, he slipped on a patch of ice and bumped into a reindeer. The startled animal bucked, spooking the rest of the team, which promptly took off in nine different directions, overturning the sleigh and kicking it into splinters in the process.

Thrown off balance in the commotion, Santa wobbled, spun around and fell heavily into a pile of reindeer crap. He painfully picked himself up, brushed futilely at his filthy suit and stared out at the wrecked sleigh and the strewn and mangled gifts spread out over the trampled snow.

Suddenly a burst of light erupted. Out of the glow a beautiful angel appeared. Next to her stood an enormous Christmas tree, gloriously lit and bedecked with beautiful ornaments.

"Santa," she beamed, "I bring you this gift from Heaven Itself, in gratitude for helping celebrate this holiest of holy days. Where should I put it?"

And thus was born the tradition of an angel on top of the Christmas tree.

 

[nice hat dude!]

Just to clarify things (haha),

http://sphotos-g.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/24417_324572944313698_1225774061_n.jpg

 

[nice hat dude!]

Here you go Ladies,

http://sphotos-f.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/735237_324347257669600_323818906_n.jpg

 

[nice hat dude!]

Oh you're so not going to like this one!!

http://sphotos-g.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc7/400092_323635607740765_1793511315_n.jpg