Clean Jokes

[this one guy]

Do you suppose various collections of clever (and "homespun") remarks have had Will Rogers' name stuck on them, whether or not he said them or wrote them? A similar thing has happened to Andy Rooney, Robin Williams, George Carlin etc. in more recent times. I'm just sayin'...

Yogi Berra once admitted "I really didn't say everything I said".

 

[jamespowers]

Pearly Gates--The pilot and the priest

A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, 'Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven ? '
The guy replies, 'I'm Jack, retired airline pilot from Houston .'

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, 'Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.' The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next, it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, 'I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years.'

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, 'Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.

'Just a minute,' says the good father. 'That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?

'Up here - we go by results,' says Saint Peter. 'When you preached - people slept. When he flew, people prayed.'

 

[nice hat dude!]

Ok two more
GOLF=Gathering of Old Lazy Farts
CHEVROLET=Can Hear Every Valve Rattle On Long Extended Trips

 

[Lynx]

At a medical conference a Doctor was addressing a large audience:

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

Red meat is awful.
Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.
Chinese food is loaded with MSG.
High fat diets can be disastrous,
and none of us realizes the long- term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it.
Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."

 

[nice hat dude!]

OK here's a real groaner(but at least it's clean)
Why are Blonde jokes so lame wait for it................so the rest of the people can understand them told you it was bad.

Having WYBMABIITY printed on your shirt so when people come up and ask what it means you can say
Will You Buy Me A Beer If I Tell You

 

[nice hat dude!]

Newfie gal comes home one afternoon and says to the husband,I think I'm pregnant,the husband says what do you mean you think you're pregnant why don't you go to the doctor.The wife says I was just there,husband asks what did the doctor say wife says he told me I'd have to have a urine test and I didn't know what that was so I came home.The husband says yea I understand how that could be a problem,he thinks for a minute and says to the wife go down the street to the Murphy lady's house cause she's got more education than us and ask her what it is.So the wife leaves returns in about an hour with a bleeding nose ,torn dress ,black eye and a fat lip the husband asked what happened the wife says I did like you said and I asked her what a urine test was,she told me to piss in jar I told her to s@#t in a bucket and the fight was on!!...Don't you hate that it takes 5 minutes to write these out and only 1 minute to read them.

 

[Dixon Cannon]

I just received this from a friend via eMail, what a hoot! To anybody who has ever shopped at 'Harbor Freight' for a tool, this should strike a cord (or the funny bone!) ≈

-dixon cannon

 

[Dixon Cannon]

I may have posted this some years ago, but it is certainly worth another laugh for the new folks - talk about vintage fashion!... not exactly the "Golden" Era! ≈

http://www.lileks.com/institute/dorcus/7.html

-dixon cannon

 

[nice hat dude!]

GMC=Got Mechanic Coming
FIAT=Fix It Again Tony
Anybody buy one of those new(choose make)trucks that come with the heated tailgates so your hands don't freeze when you're pushing them.

 

[Dixon Cannon]

Now.... go back up there to #187 and read the fine print this time - you're missing a good laugh.... go on!!!

-dixon cannon

 

[nice hat dude!]

Now.... go back up there to #187 and read the fine print this time - you're missing a good laugh.... go on!!!

-dixon cannon

Mr.Cannon I did read most of the fine print and I got a good chuckle I enjoyed the sale prices being double the regular prices and I'm saving up for my new Cordless Hammer,you wouldn't happen to know if they come in 24 volts instead?

 

[vitanola]

In passing along the street the other day, I noticed a man standing by a tree looking up. I was curious and looking up I saw a Ford car in the top of the tree. I asked the man how it got there and he said, "Why, I was cranking it and it slipped out of my hand."


Why is the Ford like a millionaire baby?
Because it has a new rattle every day.

A Ford owner had no speedometer. "I don't need one at all. At ten miles an hour the hood rattles, at fifteen the radiator rattles, at twenty the top rattles and at twenty-five miles an hour the transmission falls out.

An Office conversation overheard.

Owner of Oakland: "I have just taken my car to the repair shop; it will cost $135 to get the damage fixed."
Friend: "What was the trouble?"
Owner of Oakland: "Oh, I bumped into a Ford."
Friend, laughing: "What did it do to the Ford?"
Owner of Oakland, indignantly: "It didn't do a thing to it; it merely knocked it into a ditch and bent one of the fenders."


I live in Ford country.
On a quiet summer evening one can hear the gentle pitter-patter of the doors falling off the Chevrolet sedans.

 

[sheeplady]

A man has three visitors from three different countries: A Texan, an Italian, and a Newfoundlander.* He brings all three of them out on his porch and points out into the distance to a neighbor's property and asks them what they see and to spell it:

The Texan says, "Well, that's a ranch! R-A-N-C-H!"
The Italian says, "Well, that's a villa! V-I-L-L-A!"
The Newfie says. "Well, that's a farm! E-I-E-I-OH!"

*or fill in your chosen nationality here- I originally heard it as a Newfie- but really it could be any nationality.

 

[jamespowers]

I just received this from a friend via eMail, what a hoot! To anybody who has ever shopped at 'Harbor Freight' for a tool, this should strike a cord (or the funny bone!) ≈

-dixon cannon

I need the whale gutting knife.

 

[nice hat dude!]

In passing along the street the other day, I noticed a man standing by a tree looking up. I was curious and looking up I saw a Ford car in the top of the tree. I asked the man how it got there and he said, "Why, I was cranking it and it slipped out of my hand."


Why is the Ford like a millionaire baby?
Because it has a new rattle every day.

A Ford owner had no speedometer. "I don't need one at all. At ten miles an hour the hood rattles, at fifteen the radiator rattles, at twenty the top rattles and at twenty-five miles an hour the transmission falls out.

An Office conversation overheard.

Owner of Oakland: "I have just taken my car to the repair shop; it will cost $135 to get the damage fixed."
Friend: "What was the trouble?"
Owner of Oakland: "Oh, I bumped into a Ford."
Friend, laughing: "What did it do to the Ford?"
Owner of Oakland, indignantly: "It didn't do a thing to it; it merely knocked it into a ditch and bent one of the fenders."


I live in Ford country.
On a quiet summer evening one can hear the gentle pitter-patter of the doors falling off the Chevrolet sedans.

Mr. Vitanola,you of course do know why Ford And Peterbuilt have the oval emblems?.....They both circle their mistakes (haha)

 

[vitanola]

Mr. Vitanola,you of course do know why Ford And Peterbuilt have the oval emblems?.....They both circle their mistakes (haha)

Oval?

The Ford emblem is a winged triangle, isn't it?

What pray tell is a Peterbilt?

Is it some sort of truck, like a Republic or a Federal?



[video=youtube_share;hUzxcApgdUc]http://youtu.be/hUzxcApgdUc[/video]

 

[nice hat dude!]

Oval?

The Ford emblem is a winged triangle, isn't it?


What pray tell is a Peterbilt?

Is it some sort of truck, like a Republic or a Federal?

Now that's funny(haha)

 

[Dixon Cannon]

I need the whale gutting knife.

You know for the same price you can get two of the Mohel knives and have brisket in the freezer! Personally I'm hoping for the 80-Piece Rotary Nose-Picking Kit - what a time saver that would be! You have to admit, whoever did this is pretty damn clever! I'm still laughing at it! -dixon cannon

 

[jamespowers]

You know for the same price you can get two of the Mohel knives and have brisket in the freezer! Personally I'm hoping for the 80-Piece Rotary Nose-Picking Kit - what a time saver that would be! You have to admit, whoever did this is pretty damn clever! I'm still laughing at it! -dixon cannon

It is clever that is for sure.

That nose kit reminds me of the tool in Total Recall.

 

[Espee]

I heard Will Rogers say "Henry Ford was the first man to take a JOKE and make it PRACTICAL" and I've heard references to "Ford jokes," but this is the first time I've seen any of them (old ones.)