The Era -- Day By Day

[LizzieMaine]

"He's another Tommy Manville except he ain't got the dough!" Well, that, and Tommy's probably got a better curve ball.

Oh, and this:

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All right, whoever is responsible -- show yourself. We know you're here.

 

[Fading Fast]

I just saw the below newspaper clip used in the 1950 movie "The Tattooed Stranger," which is a crime drama about a murder investigation.

Along the way, one of the male detectives starts dating a female doctor of biology who is helping with the case and she kids him that his case isn't getting any news coverage. He tells her, over the phone, that she's wrong and to check out the top of page 44 of the News [one of our Day-by-Day papers, by the way] to see the story, but it's just a joke as all that's there is the below "Dick Tracy" comicstrip.

Since, on this same phone call, he's making a date with her after having stood her up once before because he got called away on the case, she says "now listen...don't stand me up again, I'm beginning to feel just like Tess Trueheart."

You can't get more inside 1940s/50s than that.

 

[LizzieMaine]

I bet he promised to buy his boss a new suitcase but never did.

 

[Fading Fast]

I bet he promised to buy his boss a new suitcase but never did.

Had something like that been part of the script, it would have been too good to believe.

 

[EngProf]

OK - Somebody tell me what a "dice girl" is. (I could look it up but I trust the FL folks to tell a better story.)
Also, get used to Flip Corkin, he's in TatP "for the duration".

 

[LizzieMaine]

She's basically the mistress-of-ceremonies at a casino-type table game, responsible for getting the players fluffed up into a high-rolling mood.

If Capt. Corkin is going to stick around, he needs to settle down and start acting a little less like Dude Hennick. Bless Bess!

 

[LizzieMaine]

(Electric chair? What happened to the firing squad?)

Every New York City school will implement commando training for all boys between 16 and 18 years of age, under a plan announced today by the Board of Education. The program, based on the successful "Junior Commando" training program implemented last year on an experimental basis at Flushing High School, will be introduced city-wide with the start of the new school term. The "toughening" course goes far beyond the requirements of normal physical training classes, proceeding into the realm of pre-military muscle building, with an eye toward preparing boys for the expected lowering of the draft age to eighteen. The course as implemented in Flushing requires boys to run a mile in six minutes or less, dip ten times on parallel bars, chin ten times, climb a rope without using feet, pick up and carry their own weight for 100 yards, high jump four feet, running broad jump 16 feet, run a quarter mile in 62 seconds, and run a half mile in two and a half minutes. Every boy in the city school system will be required to participate in the program with the only exceptions those boys unable to do so because of physical defects.

With the nomination of Attorney General John Bennett as the Democratic candidate for Governor now virtually assured, rival factions in the state Democratic Party are preparing to form a united front for the fall election. Supporters of Senator James Mead issued conciliatory statements today urging that pre-war isolationism be dropped as an issue, and calling Bennett "a fine Democrat and a solid citizen." State Democratic Chairman James Farley today issued a statement of his own, pledging his support to Bennett as the candidate should he be so nominated at the upcoming state convention. Factional disputes in the American Labor Party also appeared to be receding, with spokesmen for the ALP's left wing indicating that they will drop their campaign for control of the party, at least for the present election season.

A Federal grand jury investigation of the circumstances under which the Chicago Tribune, the New York Daily News, and the Washington Times-Herald obtained and published confidential military information concerning the Battle of Midway is underway today in Chicago. The story, published locally by the Daily News on June 7th, purported to detail the strength and deposition of the Japanese fleet approaching Midway Island, and carried the by-line of Stanley Johnston, Tribine reporter presumed killed when the aircraft carrier Lexington was lost during the Battle of the Coral Sea. An investigation of exactly how the newspapers obtained the classified information on the Japanese fleet was personally ordered by Navy Secretary Frank Knox, former publisher of the Chicago Daily News. The Tribune, in a front page article today, denounced the investigation as "outrageous and ridiculous," and called it "politically-motivated."

("And send ten cents for my booklet 'No Way But Hemingway.")

(Magistrate Levis is sitting on a pretty hot seat.)

("Besides, your face will freeze like that! If it hasn't already!")

Experts from the Board of Transportation, the FBI, and the police today await an analytical report from the Police Research Laboratory on fragments of small capsules believed to have contained a powder which spread "tear gas" on an IND subway train in Manhattan yesterday. Six cars were affected by the gas, and the capsule fragments were found after a fine-tooth-comb search of the cars in which seats were removed, fans dismantled, and batteries were checked. Officials refused to comment on whether the capsules were placed by a saboteur or a prankster.

Eight people were severely injured yesterday near Prospect Park when a southbound trolley struck an automobile at the intersection of Empire Boulevard and Flatbush Avenue. The trolley hit the last car in a line of vehicles waiting for a traffic light, propelling the auto forward into the vehicles ahead. Four autos were damaged in the collision and the accident caused a slight delay in traffic, tying up the southbound tracks for more than an hour.

("That's fine," sneers Leo. "I'm sick of these extra inning games!" Oh and, "you could have knocked Stengel over with a chocolate eclair?" Hmph, I bet you could do it with a donut.)

An appeal by Dodger broadcaster Red Barber on behalf of War Bond sales generated more than $90,000 in telephone orders during the Giant-Dodger game Wednesday night. Barber's on-air request that listeners call station WHN to pledge their bond purchase kept the station switchboard busy until well after midnight Thursday. The plea for support was in response to a suggestion by Treasury Secretary Henry Morgenthau urging radio stations to become sales agents for the bond campaign.

(OK, Cliff, you can put down the joke book.)

("Bird Dog expression?")

(A landslide?)

(Well then I don't believe you can do it, so there.)

(All right then, everybody's happy!)

 

[LizzieMaine]

And in the Daily News...

"Awright, did ya get the picture? Because it really hurts to sit like this!"

Well imagine that.

"Yeah, I know how it is. I was wounded trying to find my gal, who is either, you know, dead or, worse, a prisoner. So yeah, you go ahead there, enjoy yourself."

Dial-A-Sap.

Upcycle!

And that's why boys' bikes have that crossbar.

Six weeks, in and out.

Awwwwwwwwwwww.

"How much did *you* owe him?"

Love always triumphs.

 

[Fading Fast]

(Electric chair? What happened to the firing squad?)
...

It's amazing that the Germans have turned the tide, for the time, in the East - they looked finished not that long ago.

...

("And send ten cents for my booklet 'No Way But Hemingway.")
...

His comments on fiction are some of the stupidest things we've read in awhile. What an idiot.

...

(Magistrate Levis is sitting on a pretty hot seat.)
...

As we noted right away, Magistrate Levis really blew this call and, then, tried to backpedal and cover. It's only a few steps from his faulty logic to asking what are we fighting for anyway.

...

("Bird Dog expression?")
...

The air-conditioning unit is obviously a loud (ha-ha) clue to what the Nazis are up to in the basement.

And in the Daily News...

"Awright, did ya get the picture? Because it really hurts to sit like this!"
...

Come on now, I was yelling the loudest for it and have to admit it is a darn good picture, well worth the wait. It's not quite Madeline-without-the-make-up good, but still, a heck of a picture.

Also, how 'bout this tidbit, "She said she had spent Wednesday night with a policeman. 'After he fell asleep, I took his revolver and went looking for Gordon'..." One, Ms. Williams does get around, doesn't she? Plus, one assumes that officer is going to have to answer for why and how his gun ended up being used in a murder. Finally, the ex-husband might miss her and all that, but if he has even one braincell, right now, he has to be happy they are divorced.

...

Upcycle!
...

There's been way-too-much title inflation in Annie's army.

 

[LizzieMaine]

I imagine Commissioner Valentine read today's News with great interest. DISCIPLINARY HEARING COMING SOON.

 

[PrivateEye]

Also, did you notice that our eggplant shaped gambler has the same lawyer as our old friend Madeline Webb, which I'm surprised didn't result in a file pic of Ms. Webb being shown.

I listened to a five-part, real-murder podcast about Ms Webb on a flight last week. Despite the host's claims I didn't hear anything to doubt her guilt, but it was interesting to hear her tell her story in her own words.

 

[LizzieMaine]

(Well that was quick.)

Two more civilian inspectors of construction have been arrested by FBI agents at the Brooklyn Navy Yard on bribery charges. Harry G. Sechtman of 1800 E. 4th Street and Albert L. Rodkin of Manhattan were both accused of accepting bribes from project contractors "in exchange for favors." Manhattan FBI Bureau Chief P. E. Foxworth indicated that there is "a substantial amount" involved in the bribes. Rodkin had been arrested by Federal agents in Los Angeles in 1923 on charges of impersonating a Secret Service agent, and served an eighteen month prison term. Both Rodkin and Sechtman told the FBI that they had been professional drummers, and had played with various bands before taking employment at the Navy Yard. The arrests bring to three the number of civilian Navy Yard employees facing bribery charges.

With only ten days remaining before his gavel raps to order the Democratic State Convention in Brooklyn, state party chairman James Farley says that the nomination of Attorney General John Bennett as the Democratic candidate for Governor is "certain, with no shred of doubt." Mr. Farley made his statement in response to remarks by supporters of Senator James Mead that their candidate has enough pledged delegates to win on the first ballot. Friends of Mr. Farley continue to assert that Senator Mead's name will not be formally placed in nomination, but this is hotly denied by the Mead camp, which insists that the Senator has no plans to withdraw from the race.

("And many who fish for the sport alone leave their entire catch on the boat." Well, if we're going to put a stop to anything, let's put a stop to that.)

Sixteen-year-old Tommy Jones, who cruises thru the corridors of Unity Hospital in his wheelchair, makes a good case for being Brooklyn's number one Dodger fan. A lot has happened to Tommy in the past three weeks, since he was run over by a Sanitation Department truck while playing ball in the street in front of his house in Bushwick. He lost his right leg as a result of that accident, but within a week he had assigned himself to the post of hospital messenger, rolling briskly about the corridors running messages from one department to the next. Tommy's case came to the attention of another Tommy -- sportswriter Tommy Holmes of the Eagle, who mentioned the youth in the Dodger clubhouse. The next day, young Tommy received an encouraging letter from Mr. and Mrs. Pete Reiser praising his spirit, and will soon be receiving a baseball personally autographed by the entire squad. He's also the recipient of a portable radio with which, he promises, he will never miss a Dodger broadcast.

(Mr. Holmes knows something about physical disability -- he is missing his right arm.)

Members of the Dodgers will be joined by former heavyweight champion Jack Dempsey at County Tax Supervisor David F. Soden's annual Orphans' Outing at Luna Park. More than four thousand orphans from Jewish, Catholic, and Protestant orphanages will be Mr. Soden's guests at the Coney Island amusement park on Tuesday, with their buses to be escorted by fifty motorcycle policemen and chaperoned by fifty Red Cross nurses, who will also distribute sandwiches, ice cream, cookies, soda, milk, and other delicacies.

(You just know Fitz will be there. He loves the "Shoot-the-Chutes.")

("Apparently everything is legal in the National League up to drawing a knife." It Was A Gentler Time.)

And speaking of gentler times, Old Timer C. H. B. remembers the spirited battles that used to rage over swimming and skating rights at Bushwick Creek between the "Burghers" of Williamsburgh and the "Pointers" of Greenpoint. No quarter was asked in these battles, and none was given -- not even when the Burghers were chased away by a burly Pointer butcher boy brandishing a meat cleaver.

(Elmer Davis had better stay out of the Bronx with defeatist talk like that. Isn't that so, Magistrate Levis?)

Something new has been added at Coney Island this summer, where cardboard "leg collars" are the latest craze. Women poke their legs thru the big cardboard sheets up to mid-thigh, thus producing "garter line" tans that simulate silk stockings.

Want to make Bobby Clark mad? Tell him that, with the world being what it is, "now's the time for comedy." "There is no special time for comedy," sputters the comic star of "Star and Garter." "Comedy," he insists, brandishing his cigar, "is a commodity that casts its blessings at all times. Good times or bad, it's the nectar of the gods!"

(It's not a real underground lair unless you tie them to chairs.)

("The town of Needlepoint?" Tat, tat, tat...)

(Brush that hair up a little higher, Phil, and you just might make it.)

("High-pressure henfruit, and gas it!")

(My uncle used to swallow huge quantities of air and expel it with a loud boom, but we didn't call him "thunder pumper.")

 

[LizzieMaine]

And in the Daily News....

A gentler, gentler time.

Helen's really worried someone will find out about her bootleg girdle.

Well now, at least it's original.

I'd think a pilot would need a longer attention span than this.

I don't know why Warner Bros. hasn't already made a movie of this story.

Careful, those Davega suits aren't pre-shrunk.

Better lay off the ice cream, Goof -- you're getting a bit flabby.

"You stuffed mud in my wheel pants last winter!" AND BOY WAS IT COLD!

"I've lived next door to Wallet for thirty years. A pig is the least of it."

Of course he didn't have a fancy jacket. He spent all his money on the hat.

 

[Fading Fast]

...

Two more civilian inspectors of construction have been arrested by FBI agents at the Brooklyn Navy Yard on bribery charges. Harry G. Sechtman of 1800 E. 4th Street and Albert L. Rodkin of Manhattan were both accused of accepting bribes from project contractors "in exchange for favors." Manhattan FBI Bureau Chief P. E. Foxworth indicated that there is "a substantial amount" involved in the bribes. Rodkin had been arrested by Federal agents in Los Angeles in 1923 on charges of impersonating a Secret Service agent, and served an eighteen month prison term. Both Rodkin and Sechtman told the FBI that they had been professional drummers, and had played with various bands before taking employment at the Navy Yard. The arrests bring to three the number of civilian Navy Yard employees facing bribery charges.
...

One of these ⇧ facts doesn't seem to fit, does it? "Both...told the FBI that they had been professional drummer, and had played with various bands..." Huh?

...

("High-pressure henfruit, and gas it!")
...

Some fun humor from "Mary Worth" today, right up your alley I would think, Lizzie.

And in the Daily News....

A gentler, gentler time.
...

Sometimes you have to remind yourself that the marriages on Page Four made it there for a reason and are not representative of marriages overall. The good ones almost never make it to the paper.

...

Well now, at least it's original.
...

"...crooks and certain politicians..." Were you trying to make a distinction? "Are those antique Belgian pavings stones I see over there at the front of the clubhouse?"

If Mr. Chance is a seasoned investor, he knows due diligence is his next step. Must independently verify everything.

...

I'd think a pilot would need a longer attention span than this.
...

I'd think a gnat, to be successful, would need a longer attention span than that. Also, is there a woman on earth who likes that type of relentless, pushy and cocky come-on?

...


I don't know why Warner Bros. hasn't already made a movie of this story.
...

"Sure, sure it's a good story idea, but even under contract, these prima-donna actors and actresses I got balk at working with animals - Davis will throw the script in my face and dare me to put her on suspension again - and the damn animals never do their thing on cue so the costs will just keep piling up. Let Mayer spend his fat budget dollars on that one. " - Jack Warner

...

Better lay off the ice cream, Goof -- you're getting a bit flabby.
...

For a second there, when I saw the beach setting, I thought Ed was going to blend his two favorite Sunday jokes - Matryoshka doll Shadow and Susie Q - into one strip.

 

[LizzieMaine]

Having some technical difficulties with today's posts -- we'll get them up as soon as the difficulties have been cleared!

 

[LizzieMaine]

Apologies for the reduced quality today, there are download issues. But a blurry paper is better than none.

(Something New Has Been Added, says Admiral King. And Mr. Frick, ending beanball wars is all well and good, but maybe you should also require warning tracks and padded walls in all ballparks. Isn't that right, Mr. Reiser?)

The Justice Department plans to seek indictment of fourteen alleged confederates of the eight convicted Nazi saboteurs on charges of treason, it was learned today from an authoritative source. The charges were reported to have been discussed at a conference by Attorney General Francis Biddle and members of his staff. No official word was forthcoming, but it was learned that treason charges have been agreed upon. Convictions for treason, which may carry the penalty of death, can be reached when at least two witnesses testify as to the treasonable conduct, or when the accused confesses in open court.

President Roosevelt today called on management and labor to unite for the production of "an unceasing flood" of weapons and materials for the armed forces to assure victory in the war. Joining with nine other military, business, and labor leaders in a nationwide broadcast, the President, in a message read by an announcer, declared that "the country's productive genius has just begun to hit its stride."

A Senate Finance Committee vote of 11-4 today endorsed allowing husbands and wives in community-property states to continue split their individual incomes for Federal tax purposes. The present law permits such couples to divide their incomes evenly, with the husband and the wife each claiming fifty percent of the total on their income tax returns, but the Treasury Department has asked that this provision be eliminated, requiring husbands and wives to file separate returns listing their actual earned income only, or to file joint returns. The decision by the Committee followed an earlier vote to reject a Treasury plan that would require all couples to file jointly regardless of income status.

(They're bound to be disappointed, what kind of pants do you get at a shoe store?)

(Hey Nina, this is what happens when you don't screen your farm help.)

(Attaboy, Roddy! Don't let 'em make a monkey out of you!)

(Somebody please take the Dictionary Of American Slang away from Mr. Lichty.)

("Aw, c'moff it!" snorts Joe. "T'at ain' Leo! Lookit, his mout' ain' even open!" "Nice eyelashes t'ough," observes Sally. "Mus' be wheah alla hair on his head went.")

(He's got Pat's hair, and he's got Pat's suit, but he ain't got Pat's skill at skulking in the night.)

("Little white church?" Hmph, Congregationalists.)

(Mr. Pinson sure does like to draw eggs.)

(IT'S A SPY STORY! WITH DOGS!)

 

[LizzieMaine]

And in the Daily News...

Full-contact opera? I know some people who'd really go for this.

Something tells me Mr. A. L. Smith of Macon, Georgia will die a virgin.

Besides, if you really want trouble, forget the cove -- try the breakwater!

"But don't worry, we're going to flush them out with iodine."

I bet I know why Corkin had to get new teeth.

Never mind this now, where's the egg???

Tracy and Hepburn never made a farm picture.

Give him a year or so, and all he'll want is the box.

Let's just hope he's not working for Hearst.

Proverbs 24:17.

 

[Fading Fast]

...

The Justice Department plans to seek indictment of fourteen alleged confederates of the eight convicted Nazi saboteurs on charges of treason, it was learned today from an authoritative source. The charges were reported to have been discussed at a conference by Attorney General Francis Biddle and members of his staff. No official word was forthcoming, but it was learned that treason charges have been agreed upon. Convictions for treason, which may carry the penalty of death, can be reached when at least two witnesses testify as to the treasonable conduct, or when the accused confesses in open court.
...

Based on "Dan Dunn" and other of our strips, we know saboteurs usually have several accomplices.

...

(They're bound to be disappointed, what kind of pants do you get at a shoe store?)
...

War or no war, the butcher is wishing he had bought a two-trouser suit now as he looks down at his suit jacket and boxers.

...

(Hey Nina, this is what happens when you don't screen your farm help.)
...

What do we really know about Snipe? It was always suspicious that she gave up her vacation time to do farm work, something no sane person would do.

Kidding aside, considering the state of mind of the country now, I'm surprised the war censors let these pics be published.

...

(He's got Pat's hair, and he's got Pat's suit, but he ain't got Pat's skill at skulking in the night.)
...

"I wish these sloppy Americans would put their newspapers in the trash can when finished with them. Hmm, what's this, a spy in a dinner jacket - interesting," thinks a young Royal Navel Intelligence Officer by the name of Ian Fleming.

And in the Daily News...

Full-contact opera? I know some people who'd really go for this.
...

Pete Resier looks up from the paper and thinks to himself, "I'll never call a singer a sissy again."

...


Something tells me Mr. A. L. Smith of Macon, Georgia will die a virgin.
...

Macon's an **s, but ironically, Barrymore did try that method too, and on stage.

...

I bet I know why Corkin had to get new teeth.
...

Dear God he's insufferable.

...

Never mind this now, where's the egg???
...

Snif

 

[LizzieMaine]

(I don't know why the War Department would doubt those markers. Don't they read Dan Dunn? And yeah, 2 pounds of scrap metal seems excessive to see the Phillies. How 'bout this gum wrapper?)

Women sharpshooters are in the vanguard of a force of 2000 Yugoslav guerilla fighters who hurled back a German-Croatian "punitive expedition" which sought to dislodge them from their mountain strongholds. The guerillas under the command of General Draja Mikhailovich defeated the Axis force, made up of German and Ustachi (Croat terrorist) troops, with intense hand-to-hand fighting and heavy losses reported on both sides. Many combatants were hurled to their deaths from mountain precipices.

A spokesman for the Chinese government today indicated that China is willing to act as a mediator in the dispute between the Indian independence movement and Great Britain. The drive for independence from the British Empire received the full endorsement of the Chinese press, with published warnings that continued conflict between Indian independence leaders and Britain could compromise the flow of weapons and equipment to China. It was speculated by Chinese authorities that Japan intends to attack India this autumn.

Germany released 1000 war prisoners today in an exchange for an equal number of "volunteer French workers" for industrial plants in Germany. Vichy government chief Pierre Laval, meeting the returning French POWs at Compiegne, indicated that "only a few more" such exchanges may be expected, noting that Germany will only accept qualified "speciaist" workers in exchange for prisoners, and then only on the basis of three specialists for one prisoner. Common French laborers, Laval noted, are not wanted. Laval praised Hitler for "showing his regard for France" by permitting the exchange to take place.

A Federal judge today dismissed a request for a writ of habeas corpus in the case of a Coney Island man who claims that he should be released from the Army on the grounds of "mental deficiency." Judge Marcus B. Campbell rejected the request from 42-year-old Private Benjamin Shattuck, formerly of 3323 Mermaid Avenue, who was inducted into the Army with the approval of Local Board 195, and is now stationed at Camp Upton. Pvt. Shattuck argued that he was injured in a trolley accident in Manhattan at the age of 10, and spent nearly a year in Harlem Hospital, where he received a metal plate in his head. Since that time, Pvt. Shattuck stated, he has suffered from memory loss, and that the draft board should have taken that under consideration before declaring him fit for service. Judge Campbell, in rejecting the writ, declared that Army doctors will be the judge of Shattuck's fitness, and he told Shattuck that "the life of the Army will be good for you."

(Just stay out of Red Hook.)

("We're young in this war, and orders are made up overnight." YOU WERE EXPECTING MAYBE SOMETHING DIFFERENT????)

(There are a lot of lines to read between in Mr. Evans' column today. "Fiend," when used in a 1942 crime story, usually has a very specific connotation -- a sex criminal who targets children. "Conduct unbecoming a fireman" indeed.)

Reader Nino LoBello of Ridgewood writes in today to complain that shooting galleries at Coney Island continue to operate on a full-time basis, providing rifles and cartridges to all customers. Why, he wonders, is lead and copper being wasted to provide ammunition for these "sharpshooters?"

("Ahhhh, ya screwy. Y'otta see how he looks at Goitrude oveh onna punch press!")

Recruiting officers today revealed that their search for a new piccolo player for the 29-piece WAAC band has been successful. Twenty-six year old Mary B. Nissly of Lancaster, Pennsylvania will fill the piccolo position, assuming she passes the rigorous physical examination that caused the rejection of her predecessor.

A 27-year-old Stuyvesant Heights man who pleaded guilty to punching a policeman in the face has been fined $25 and sentenced to do some reading. William Goodrich of 72 Rochester Avenue admitted in Brooklyn Felony Court that he slugged Patrolman Philip Smilowitz at the corner of Rochester Avenue and Pacific Street on the morning of July 30th after the policeman declined his challenge to a fistfight. Goodrich also admitted that, after he was taken to the Atlantic Avenue station, he threw three chairs at the patrolman. After imposing the fine, Magistrate D. Joseph D'Andrea sentenced Goodrich to read "The Adventures of Don Quixote," noting that "fighting a policeman is like fighting a windmill."

(That's a pretty good likeness of Reiser, right down to the metal plates inside his cap.)

The Chicago American Giants, currently pacing the Negro American League, storm into Dexter Park tomorrow night for a Ladies' Night doubleheader against the Bushwicks. The Giants feature outfielder Cool Papa Bell, formerly a star with the Pittsburgh Crawfords, along with one of the oldest and shrewdest managers in the Negro League ranks, Candy Jim Taylor.

(Careful with that paint, it's a bear to get it out of white linen.)

(C'mon, kid, run off with your gown streaming behind you like Claudette Colbert.)

(YEP DAN IT SURE LOOKS THAT WAY.)

(See, a cat wouldn't go for this at all.)

 

[LizzieMaine]

And in the Daily News...

Yeah, but are you sure she's really an Arahapo??

"Quantity business." Does the War Production Board know about this?

"Not so fast, big boy! Wait'll you see what the Asp taught me to do with an oar!"

"Not so fast, I wanna see him drink the water first!"

Just look noncommittal, and hope for the best.

"Well now, in recognition of my extra service under battle conditions, they're commissioning me a MAJOR. What do you think of that, CAPTAIN?"

I'd watch it there, bud -- remember, the penguin's hungry too.

"So if that's all, I'll be gettin' back to my whittlin'."

"If it wasn't for all you freeloading kids, I could have paid my Blue Cross."

Ah, good old Elmo. Definitely officer material.