My Search for a Mate is Confined to my Sock Drawer

[Sunny]

*pops back in briefly*

I think Sunny captured the essence of my advice to the single guys out there. Leadership and confidence are extremely powerful character traits for men (women too)...

When I was single and before I met my wife, it was obvious I wasn't comfortable in my own skin. I thought, "hey, I'm a nice guy, why don't women like me?" I was so worried about being "the nice guy" that I forgot what it meant to be a man; to be confident and a leader. And, I didn't recognize at the time that being confident and a leader wasn't dictated by women -- it was dictated by me and who I saw myself as.

I made up for all of this by flooding a woman with compliments and nice things too quickly -- flowers, nice dates, ya know, nice stuff. lol Rightfully so, women got freaked out and ran for the trees, or another guy, or the dreaded jerk.

Now, after years of dealing with my own confidence struggles, I can see a man who lacks confidence and "a comfort in his own skin" a mile away. If I can see it, I know women can.

I think you expressed my thoughts far better than I did. It's not really the obvious assumption of leadership (whether deemed "traditional" or not) that I like; it's the confidence and self-possession that lies beneath. When I know who I am, what I believe and why, and what I'm doing, I'm not easily flurried. I do what I need to do, interact appropriately, and generally am a great success. And I'm a very shy person!

Confidence is a foundation for many kinds of healthy behavior. Such behavior may be taking the initiative and being a leader; it may also be deferring unobtrusively, or seeking a consensus. (All these are attributes of a true servant leader, incidentally.) A man who is confident and secure "in his own skin" has the freedom to choose and act in the best way, depending on the situation and people. Furthermore, such a man sets others at ease. That is the behavior that I find most attractive.

In some ways there's far more to it than merely "acting like a nice guy," as you said, Steve. It's not an easy thing to be around someone who's unsure and apprehensive, and forcing himself to act a part. But in the other way, it's easy; for it's the confidence that's important. The behavior is a natural consequence.

It seems this applies to women as well as to men. I've read that a number of male Loungers appreciate women who are confident and don't feel badly about themselves. Those comments show up very often in the picture threads, since those ladies have the very same self-assurance.

 

[Roger]

It's not the cofidence of the man in question, it's the confidence of the woman who "only goes for jerks". Why would a semi-intelligent woman go to work and yet date a jobless character, with no social skills, education, ambition or goals in life? Either she feels that she cannot do better or she keeps him around in order to make herself feel superior to such a waste of life. We here talk about the "feminist" but when such individual is with a slacker it just brings into question her judgement. Perhaps she is fighting against a man with a strong, brave and courageous personality in order to fulfill her "feminist" role.[huh]

 

[Fletch]

It needs to be said at this point that there are plenty of confident, successful jerks. A leader is only a bad attitude away from being a control freak, and consensus builders can turn passive-aggressive when blocked.

One could look at it this way: some men are real jerks, but some jerks are real men. That explains a lot of their appeal to women.

There are also educated, intelligent, charming slackers, gents who'd be delightful companions but whose noses never get near a grindstone. Ironically enough, the jerks have it easy with the women compared to them.

 

[Sunny]

It needs to be said at this point that there are plenty of confident, successful jerks. A leader is only a bad attitude away from being a control freak, and consensus builders can turn passive-aggressive when blocked.

One could look at it this way: some men are real jerks, but some jerks are real men. That explains a lot of their appeal to women.

There are also educated, intelligent, charming slackers, men who'd be delightful companions but whose noses never get near a grindstone. Ironically enough, the jerks have it easy compared to them.

Yep, confidence can be a foundation for plenty of bad behaviors as well. Just theorizing, but it's logical to assume that a person with confidence will take off in either direction, depending on his bent. I've seen an excellent servant leader both lead and build consensus. I've also seen the same leader switch from building a consensus to become a no-nonsense leader, when circumstances turned difficult. He had the flexibility to use either method as the situation warranted.

I mentioned earlier that I have a brother who admire very much in this area. He happens to be 17 years old. He was born with this confidence we're talking about. It can be a very dangerous thing, as my parents recognized immediately. Thanks to them, he has learned an immense amount about interacting with people and doing the right thing at the right time. It helps that he's extremely observant, too. He's far from perfect, of course, but he'll never be just a nice guy, and he's certainly no jerk. Except at very rare intervals. (Barely 17, cut the guy some slack. )

*nod* to the middle point. They may be jerks, but their very confidence is attractive despite everything else.

I'm not romantically attracted to the charming slackers, although I can and do enjoy their company. I identify with the slacking since I'm a bit of one myself, but have been instilled with a strong work ethic. I can see that a woman with more initiative than myself would make a good team with such a man.

 

[Fletch]

If she was attracted enough to let him stay around, that is. That kind of woman is almost singularly rare. For most, attractiveness begins with traditional manly behavior, just as for most men it begins with conventional good looks.

 

[GoldLeaf]

It's not the cofidence of the man in question, it's the confidence of the woman who "only goes for jerks".

It is a bit of both, actually. The conversation has been about both the woman with the jerks, as well as the nice guy who finishes last.

As Sunny started, and I agree, confidence and being self assured is very important. I have known some insecure "nice guys" that were a huge turn off. In that case, the nice guy would finish last, at least in his mind. Especially, if in his perception, the guy that the women started dating was a "jerk."

Its so complicated, I think my head hurts lol Thank goodness I don't have to date anymore!

 

[LizzieMaine]

I put some of the blame on the culture, frankly -- we live in a world that inculcates kids growing up with the idea that a truly fulfilling life is one zany madcap exhilirating energy-drink-swilling adventure after another, and that if you aren't constantly short of breath from the endless white-knuckled thrills there's something wrong with you. Small wonder so many women find themselves dismissing the quiet workaday nine-to-fiver guys as "borrr-ring" and going off instead with the charming slackers who dont know where they're going and don't much care how they get there, but gee, won't it be fun along the way? Little do they realize that a guy with the whole scruffy-headed adolescent attitude toward life might be cute when he's 20, but it's going to wear really really thin when he's 40.

Give me boring and settled any day. If I want thrills I'll go ride a roller coaster.

 

[GoldLeaf]

I put some of the blame on the culture, frankly -- we live in a world that inculcates kids growing up with the idea that a truly fulfilling life is one zany madcap exhilirating energy-drink-swilling adventure after another, and that if you aren't constantly short of breath from the endless white-knuckled thrills there's something wrong with you. Small wonder so many women find themselves dismissing the quiet workaday nine-to-fiver guys as "borrr-ring" and going off instead with the charming slackers who dont know where they're going and don't much care how they get there, but gee, won't it be fun along the way? Little do they realize that a guy with the whole scruffy-headed adolescent attitude toward life might be cute when he's 20, but it's going to wear really really thin when he's 40.

Give me boring and settled any day. If I want thrills I'll go ride a roller coaster.

LOL

Too true! I dated a guy like that. Wonderful guy, funny, kind, smart, etc. Cared about him a great deal. He didn't graduate from highschool. No crime in that. He was a punk rocker, and he wanted to stay that way. He didn't care if all he did was flip pizzas for the rest of his life. No ambition to better himself at all. And there I was, 20,000 in debt working toward a college degree. I realized after a year that we wouldn't work. Christmas parties would have been very awkward, to say the least! Arriving with a mohawk in Christmas red and green would have made my face go red, hehehe

 

[Paisley]

Heh! I've always been the "best friend" who listened to these women while they complained about their respective jerks. But did they once think to dump the guy and go out with a nice guy like me?


Lee
_________________________

It gets old.

Did you ask?

 

[Paisley]

I put some of the blame on the culture, frankly -- we live in a world that inculcates kids growing up with the idea that a truly fulfilling life is one zany madcap exhilirating energy-drink-swilling adventure after another, and that if you aren't constantly short of breath from the endless white-knuckled thrills there's something wrong with you. Small wonder so many women find themselves dismissing the quiet workaday nine-to-fiver guys as "borrr-ring" and going off instead with the charming slackers who dont know where they're going and don't much care how they get there, but gee, won't it be fun along the way? Little do they realize that a guy with the whole scruffy-headed adolescent attitude toward life might be cute when he's 20, but it's going to wear really really thin when he's 40.

Give me boring and settled any day. If I want thrills I'll go ride a roller coaster.

I think that some other women look for Resume Man. They want a doctor or lawyer or junior executive, not a teacher or technician or tradesman.

When I was looking for someone on the Internet, something that struck me was the number of 40-year-old men who were looking for a woman 18 to 35 years old. Just what every high school girl wants--a 40-year-old prom date. (Give me the guy who would run off any 40-year-old man who tried to date his teenage daughter.)

A little realism would go a long way. Resume Man and Miss All-American Beauty tend to get snatched up early. Why do we tend to look for perfection? I think it's partly what we see on TV, and partly because we keep hearing that we can have it all.

 

[carter]

No comments. I just cracked up when I read the thread title.
Has anyone evr figured out where all the orphan socks live?

 

[BegintheBeguine]

They slither behind the drum of the dryer. Take apart your dryer sometime and you'll find them. And probably other stuff, too.

 

[$ally]

I think it's because I'm the kind of guy (the classic "nice guy") they WISH they had married, instead of the bad boy jerk that they did marry.Why do women love scum? I've never figured that out.

It's not that we like bad boys, they are just the aggressive jerks who approach us. They don't even mind breaking into a cluster of girls chatting and giggling to make a bold move. The nice guys sit at the end of the bar eating peanuts, so we never even meet them.

 

[Starius]

This is a pretty interesting thread, though I am a little surprised to see it here. Not sure why that is, though.

At any rate, epiphanies were mentioned earlier in the thread which made me want to comment here.

Without getting into too much detail, there are times late at night when I can spark a rather introspective epiphany and sometimes I will write it down in a notebook before I fall asleep and its out of my mind to be otherwise forgotten.

Here are some of them and they are a bit personal to me so I suspect a lot of the meaning wont be picked up by others. Which is kinda why I'm not too embarrassed to share them. But they all pretty much deal with the inner struggle to come to terms with the likelihood of never meeting someone.

"Elegance through simplicity. Cut away all desires - save for one goal."

"Desire + the impossible = madness."

"Overcome the fear to strip away faulty desires - greatest trial for inner peace."

"There is no Experience for me; only awareness of what is not to be."

"The physical manifestation of my defects is just as clear as my inner world suggests. Better that I see and concur with the path before me because the fate that leads will not budge nor stray. No use making an enemy of the inevitable."​

I don't look in this notebook often, so reading them again now I am a bit surprised at the cynical tone but not overly surprised at the pessimistic view.

In keeping with what others have mentioned, that self-confidence is a particular key to finding someone special, I've found it rather ironic that in order for me to be fully satisfied with myself - I need to not only come to terms with the fact that I may spend my life alone but also embrace it. Ironic because should I reach that point I may find myself in the position to finally meet or find someone special. In which case, I'm not sure how I'd react at all having reached the mindset that I no longer need anyone.

 

[Undertow]

This is a pretty interesting thread, though I am a little surprised to see it here. Not sure why that is, though.

At any rate, epiphanies were mentioned earlier in the thread which made me want to comment here.

Without getting into too much detail, there are times late at night when I can spark a rather introspective epiphany and sometimes I will write it down in a notebook before I fall asleep and its out of my mind to be otherwise forgotten.

Here are some of them and they are a bit personal to me so I suspect a lot of the meaning wont be picked up by others. Which is kinda why I'm not too embarrassed to share them. But they all pretty much deal with the inner struggle to come to terms with the likelihood of never meeting someone.

"Elegance through simplicity. Cut away all desires - save for one goal."

"Desire + the impossible = madness."

"Overcome the fear to strip away faulty desires - greatest trial for inner peace."

"There is no Experience for me; only awareness of what is not to be."

"The physical manifestation of my defects is just as clear as my inner world suggests. Better that I see and concur with the path before me because the fate that leads will not budge nor stray. No use making an enemy of the inevitable."​

I don't look in this notebook often, so reading them again now I am a bit surprised at the cynical tone but not overly surprised at the pessimistic view.

In keeping with what others have mentioned, that self-confidence is a particular key to finding someone special, I've found it rather ironic that in order for me to be fully satisfied with myself - I need to not only come to terms with the fact that I may spend my life alone but also embrace it. Ironic because should I reach that point I may find myself in the position to finally meet or find someone special. In which case, I'm not sure how I'd react at all having reached the mindset that I no longer need anyone.

Hey, I like this whole thing! Excellent. It reminds me of the Dhamapada.

 

[carter]

They slither behind the drum of the dryer. Take apart your dryer sometime and you'll find them. And probably other stuff, too.

Seriously? You, my dear, are an amazing woman! Carter

 

[Paisley]

In keeping with what others have mentioned, that self-confidence is a particular key to finding someone special, I've found it rather ironic that in order for me to be fully satisfied with myself - I need to not only come to terms with the fact that I may spend my life alone but also embrace it. Ironic because should I reach that point I may find myself in the position to finally meet or find someone special. In which case, I'm not sure how I'd react at all having reached the mindset that I no longer need anyone.

Good post. I think I've reached that point myself, and it would take someone extraordinary to make me interested in being a couple.

 

[FinalVestige79]

Well I was, and am in the same situation as Mr.Newport Custom, always have been. I mean I am young and I realize that, and I've had relationships, and now that I look back on it, none of them really amounted to much. I mean I'll be turning 18 in exactly 2 weeks. And I have had some of the worst things done to me by girls, I've been baited, tricked, ditched, invited to a party...arrives, calls girl, girl tells me party was canceled, when I can hear people in the background, and then further humiliated through text messages, which led to a fight in school...and that girl was my friend. I made some bad people choices, I still do. I'm just surprised I'm not a cold, pessimistic woman hater. I am always the friend nothing more, and when I am forward with that girl it bites me right in the tuches. I'm a genuinely nice guy, I basically raised myself to be nice...since all I saw growing up was jerkism.

I'm a hopeless romantic....I'm the kinda guy that send my gal flowers just cause I wanna, or if shes having a bad day at work have the flowers delivered. I am very thoughtful...I will go the extra 100 miles to make sure my gal is happy and content, to let her know I'm thinking about her. And for some reason...Girls seem to really not like that stuff. Oh well. I digress. School and college are all I need to worry about...just thought I would put in my 1 cent.

 

[Carlisle Blues]

Well I was, and am in the same situation as Mr.Newport Custom, always have been. I mean I am young and I realize that, and I've had relationships, and now that I look back on it, none of them really amounted to much. I mean I'll be turning 18 in exactly 2 weeks. And I have had some of the worst things done to me by girls, I've been baited, tricked, ditched, invited to a party...arrives, calls girl, girl tells me party was canceled, when I can hear people in the background, and then further humiliated through text messages, which led to a fight in school...and that girl was my friend. I made some bad people choices, I still do. I'm just surprised I'm not a cold, pessimistic woman hater. I am always the friend nothing more, and when I am forward with that girl it bites me right in the tuches. I'm a genuinely nice guy, I basically raised myself to be nice...since all I saw growing up was jerkism.

I'm a hopeless romantic....I'm the kinda guy that send my gal flowers just cause I wanna, or if shes having a bad day at work have the flowers delivered. I am very thoughtful...I will go the extra 100 miles to make sure my gal is happy and content, to let her know I'm thinking about her. And for some reason...Girls seem to really not like that stuff. Oh well. I digress. School and college are all I need to worry about...just thought I would put in my 1 cent.

Don't despair.....you never know who is right around the corner....you seem like a nice person...However, I will tell you perhaps you should start loving chihuahuas. They will really show you what love is all about.

 

[Paisley]

GranadaGuy617, I think this post on the previous page might be of interest to you:

I'm married (13 years this December), so I feel awkward about jumping in to this discussion, but I thought I could contribute...

...because until I met my wife I was a dismal failure at dating and attracting the right women when I was single.

...

When I was single and before I met my wife, it was obvious I wasn't comfortable in my own skin. I thought, "hey, I'm a nice guy, why don't women like me?" I was so worried about being "the nice guy" that I forgot what it meant to be a man; to be confident and a leader. And, I didn't recognize at the time that being confident and a leader wasn't dictated by women -- it was dictated by me and who I saw myself as.

I made up for all of this by flooding a woman with compliments and nice things too quickly -- flowers, nice dates, ya know, nice stuff. lol Rightfully so, women got freaked out and ran for the trees, or another guy, or the dreaded jerk.

Now, after years of dealing with my own confidence struggles, I can see a man who lacks confidence and "a comfort in his own skin" a mile away. If I can see it, I know women can.

Steve