My Search for a Mate is Confined to my Sock Drawer

[GoldLeaf]

...... She told me I'm too nice. ....

....I asked her what I should do. She said, "Be a jerk, girls like that."...

That is a bunch of bull. Like I mentioned earlier, only women who have unresolved issues want a jerk. Or women who are jerks themselves. If you could get to the bottom of the women who liked jerks, I am sure there is some deep seated self loathing or strong insecurities.

I almost dumped my husband because he was so good he scared me. It was just a matter of time until he saw how worthless, dirty, and terrible I was and left, don't ya know. So it was better if I left now with my pride intact, right? Needless to say, I made an appointment with my therapist that week, and we talked about it. I worked it out.

I was dedicated, to my husband, to personal growth, to myself, and to inner peace. I was willing to work hard and lay my soul bare. I was often raw, and felt like I was walking with my skin turned inside out. But the end result was worth it. I like who I am, I like living in my head, and I love my husband.

A lot of people aren't willing to work that hard, to examine themselves, and to make change. It isn't easy and it hurts like hell. It is so much easier to walk around and blame the world, or say that "men suck" than to take responsibility for themselves.

There are women that like nice men. AmyJeanne and I are examples. If my husband ever thought of treating me poorly, he would have been chewed up one side, down the other, and then spit out. I also don't let myself treat him poorly.

My husband gave me the best wedding anniversary gift I could have asked for yesterday. He is getting my wedding dress dry cleaned and preserved. I hadn't been able to bring myself to spend the $200 it would take to do that (we have been very poor and struggled with unemployment and huge debt as a result. When you can't buy food, credit is mighty helpful!). So for 4 years, my dream dress has been sitting in a box in a wad. I didn't know what else to do, and I hated it. I cried when I thought about my dress. He heard me, remembered, found the money (God knows where!) and handed me the receipt yesterday. If that isn't thoughtful, kind, and generous, I don't know what is. I cried. And I fell in love with him even more.

 

[Technonut]

That is a bunch of bull. Like I mentioned earlier, only women who have unresolved issues want a jerk. Or women who are jerks themselves. If you could get to the bottom of the women who liked jerks, I am sure there is some deep seated self loathing or strong insecurities.

I almost dumped my husband because he was so good he scared me. It was just a matter of time until he saw how worthless, dirty, and terrible I was and left, don't ya know. So it was better if I left now with my pride intact, right? Needless to say, I made an appointment with my therapist that week, and we talked about it. I worked it out.

I was dedicated, to my husband, to personal growth, to myself, and to inner peace. I was willing to work hard and lay my soul bare. I was often raw, and felt like I was walking with my skin turned inside out. But the end result was worth it. I like who I am, I like living in my head, and I love my husband.

A lot of people aren't willing to work that hard, to examine themselves, and to make change. It isn't easy and it hurts like hell. It is so much easier to walk around and blame the world, or say that "men suck" than to take responsibility for themselves.

There are women that like nice men. AmyJeanne and I are examples. If my husband ever thought of treating me poorly, he would have been chewed up one side, down the other, and then spit out. I also don't let myself treat him poorly.

My husband gave me the best wedding anniversary gift I could have asked for yesterday. He is getting my wedding dress dry cleaned and preserved. I hadn't been able to bring myself to spend the $200 it would take to do that (we have been very poor and struggled with unemployment and huge debt as a result. When you can't buy food, credit is mighty helpful!). So for 4 years, my dream dress has been sitting in a box in a wad. I didn't know what else to do, and I hated it. I cried when I thought about my dress. He heard me, remembered, found the money (God knows where!) and handed me the receipt yesterday. If that isn't thoughtful, kind, and generous, I don't know what is. I cried. And I fell in love with him even more.

Well said GoldLeaf.... :eusa_clap Very touching and honest.

Sadly, I do think that nice guys finish last for the most part in today's world. It is refreshing to hear your story...

 

[Paisley]

My sister was married five times to four different men. She complained that husband #2 was "too good to [her]" and she ran around on him. She was always badmouthing husband #4/#5--the same man who took care of her during some serious illnesses. He deserved a medal, not her.

Yes, my sister was a high-maintenance mess--but she could also make people feel needed and understood and she could be sweet as honey.

It's been my observation that women like my sister are never without a man for long. If nice guys finish last, it's because they saddle themselves with needy, high-maintenance, ungrateful, manipulative women.

 

[GoldLeaf]

My sister was married five times to four different men. She complained that husband #2 was "too good to [her]" and she ran around on him. She was always badmouthing husband #4/#5--the same man who took care of her during some serious illnesses. He deserved a medal, not her.

Yes, my sister was a high-maintenance mess--but she could also make people feel needed and understood and she could be sweet as honey.

It's been my observation that women like my sister are never without a man for long. If nice guys finish last, it's because they saddle themselves with needy, high-maintenance, ungrateful, manipulative women.

Wow! Well said Goes to show you the men have issues, too, because why would they even want a woman like that?

It goes both ways. Very excellent point

 

[Technonut]

It's been my observation that women like my sister are never without a man for long. If nice guys finish last, it's because they saddle themselves with needy, high-maintenance, ungrateful, manipulative women.

It's just a shame that by the time this usually comes into full light, the relationship is well under way, and the nice guy will attempt to salvage it the best he can... [huh]

 

[GoldLeaf]

Then again, that is the nice guy's choice. He has the power to do what is best for himself, and walk away. It is his own insecurities and issues that keep him in an unhealthy relationship. If he believed in himself and the power to find someone new, he would be gone in a heart beat.

*edited for typos

 

[Technonut]

Then again, that is the nice guy's choice. He has the power to do what is best for himself, and walk away. It is his own insecurities and issues that keep him in an unhealthy relationship. If he believed him himself and the power to find someone new, he would be gone in a heart beat.

Perhaps the nice guy wants to believe in her... I agree about not staying in an unhealthy relationship, but being a nice guy can be about not wanting to just discard someone that may have been wonderful for awhile without trying to work it out. I don't agree that it has anything to do with his insecurities in that situation.

 

[Paisley]

A damsel in distress may be tempting. But keep in mind that a knight in shining armour has castle, a fortune and an army of servants to keep her happy.

I used to volunteer, for my rose society, to help people pick out a suitable rose while they were shopping at a nursery. People would tell me they didn't know anything about gardening, and they wanted something that was easy to take care of. I'd direct them to hardy shrub roses and old garden roses, which would have grown and bloomed and survived the winter in exchange for a moderate amount of care. But 90% of the time, they'd select a tender, finicky hybrid tea with big, showy flowers. People who don't know any better choose mates in much the same way.

It's not a bad idea to make some observations and ask some quesions before getting involved with someone. Is their lifestyle in tune with their income? Do they have a steady job? Are their emergencies infrequent, or par for the course? Do they treat waiters and cashiers with respect? Do they say thank you for gifts and flowers? Do they answer your invitations within a day or two? Do they constantly need noise, company or entertainment, or can they amuse themselves?

This is another reason why I don't think it's a good idea for a man (or woman) to be doing a lot of mundane chores for someone they're dating (as mentioned on another thread). Responsible, level headed people are in the habit of picking up after themselves, cleaning the house and yard, maintaining their cars (or hiring someone to do it, or at least trading work with someone) and living within their means. They don't need a sweetie to do it for them.

 

[Sunny]

Going back a little to the "being too nice" and "not wanting a nice guy" arguments.

Of all the adjectives I'd pick to describe a future husband, "nice" would not be on the list. "Courteous," yes. "Considerate," yes. But besides being an innocuous, catch-all word that's nearly lost all meaning, "nice" connotes wishy-washyness and indecision. Too "nice" to make a choice, even about little things that effect more than himself. That is frustrating and gets tiring. I don't want to make all the decisions; I want him to step up and be a leader, darn it! I've got a brother who is the essence of the courteous leader, so I know men like that are out there.

This may be just my personality talking. "Being too nice" isn't something I'd break up with a guy for (assuming I'd do such a thing anyway). But there aren't only "nice guys" and "jerks" to choose between.

Since I haven't given up my search, I'll back out of this discussion. I'm not sure this was very relevant anyway.

 

[GoldLeaf]

Agreed, Techno. However, I think we both agree that there comes a point where you should leave. If the nice guy tries to save the relationship, great. That is admirable. What if it doesn't work? If he then chooses to marry the woman, knowing full well what she is like, then [huh] That speaks back, not to being a nice guy, but to something deeper.

So, yes, icky women stink. Nice guys are wonderful. But no one is blameless, every one has the power of choice. Finishing "last" can be a result of choosing poorly, investing too much too soon, and feeling like leaving would be the loss of a large investment. So the person stays to try to get a return on their large emotional and time investment.

Going slowly, and investing wisely, gives a person more options. Deciding to leave doesn't feel like taking a large loss of time and emotions. Jumping in head first is dangerous for a lot of reasons.

Of course, these are always my opinions and part of my personal philosophy

Sunny, I think that was a very interesting observation, and was relevant to the evolved discussion, I think

Paisley, you are most wise

 

[Paisley]

Paisley, you are most wise

Thank you. I was thinking the same thing about you.

 

[BegintheBeguine]

It's nice to be nice to the nice

The other day at work we married gals were talking about my wedding which they went to 3 years ago. Amidst the fun discussion of dressing up, wearing a vintage gown, borrowing a veil, I realized none of my single friends are getting married nor even seeing anyone. Why? There are no nice guys out there. That is one reason some girls like jerks: "Better than no one!"

 

[Harp]

O, human love! thou spirit given
On Earth, of all we hope in Heaven!
Which fall'st into the soul like rain....

Edgar Allan Poe, Tamerlane

 

[Diamondback]

Of all the adjectives I'd pick to describe a future husband, "nice" would not be on the list. "Courteous," yes. "Considerate," yes. But besides being an innocuous, catch-all word that's nearly lost all meaning, "nice" connotes wishy-washyness and indecision. Too "nice" to make a choice, even about little things that effect more than himself. That is frustrating and gets tiring. I don't want to make all the decisions; I want him to step up and be a leader, darn it! I've got a brother who is the essence of the courteous leader, so I know men like that are out there.
...
Since I haven't given up my search, I'll back out of this discussion. I'm not sure this was very relevant anyway.

Yeah, I probably shouldn't be here either--as tempted as I am to just throw in the towel, that would be "quitting", willingly accepting another failure on my record--and we know how I am about those...

Sunny just opened up another question: what chances are there for a guy who prefers to delegate authority or seek consensus in everyday things, compensating for an autocratic "take command" nature when the fertilizer hits the ventilator? In short, someone who's only good (and then perhaps too good) under pressure...

 

[SpitfireXIV]

I think you are right. Men are sometimes even praised for staying single. Women never so - even in this modern age . . . .

you could have been a gentleman and handed me a decent martini before agreeing with me

 

[Diamondback]

you could have been a gentleman and handed me a decent martini before agreeing with me

*rolls over bar, mixes martini and carries it to Ms. Spitfire*

 

[Paisley]

Yeah, I probably shouldn't be here either--as tempted as I am to just throw in the towel, that would be "quitting", willingly accepting another failure on my record--and we know how I am about those...

Sunny just opened up another question: what chances are there for a guy who prefers to delegate authority or seek consensus in everyday things, compensating for an autocratic "take command" nature when the fertilizer hits the ventilator? In short, someone who's only good (and then perhaps too good) under pressure...

You mean, like, letting a woman run the household while you work at a high pressure job and easily handle things like overheated radiators, flooded basements and medical emergencies? Gosh, I don't know where you'd find a woman who'd want to lead such a life.

I'm kidding!

 

[Viola]

Yeah, who would want that? I want a man who bursts into tears during an emergency and/or stands on a chair screaming "don't kill it! don't kill it!"lol

-Viola

 

[Technonut]

Yeah, who would want that? I want a man who bursts into tears during an emergency and/or stands on a chair screaming "don't kill it! don't kill it!"lol

-Viola

lol lol

 

[Diamondback]

Illustration from me road-tripping with a couple of guys from college when we had car trouble, to illustrate what I'm referring to (names changed to protect the "innocent")
*"Jim" (other nondriver) starts panicking*
Me: *passes spare cellphone to "Dan" (driver)* "Jim, calm down. Dan, call my mother and tell her it looks like I won't make the rollout party tomorrow."
Jim: "What about you?"
Me: *pulling cellphone, already dialing* "I'm callin' AAA, gettin' us a tow-truck. Did you catch that last milepost?"

Unfortunately, when it comes to simple decisions like what's for dinner, I become completely lost if it's anything other than routine. (Probably why the folks at the local greasy-spoon love me so...lol )