Maternal Dissaproval

[HudsonHawk]

I've had trouble with my mom as well that does not concern hats. The only way out of this mess is through respect towards his mother.

It's in no way disrespectful to tell her it's not her call.

 

[HudsonHawk]

we don't have enough info to know if it's about power and control. No one else in the family cares one way or the other, that doesn't sound like a power hungry family.

We have his comments that's she's always been hypercritical of his choices. We have him saying that she "forbids" him wearing a hat. How is that not a power trip?

 

[HudsonHawk]

well, maybe there shouldn't be, but the reality is, there are. Btw, he did indicate that his parents are helping him get through college. There is the matter of respect, it's his Mom, it's Christmas.

So be respectful and remind her he's an adult and will wear a hat if he wants.

 

[CaramelSmoothie]

So be respectful and remind her he's an adult and will wear a hat if he wants.

LOL@ you HudsonHawk. I think like you when it comes to these types of things. I am of the mind that you must TRAIN people to treat you the way that you want to be treated. His mother has gotten away with these put downs for so long that she knows what buttons to push now to get him to doubt himself. Collegeguy has to set some new ground rules when dealing with his mom and let her know that it is her right not to like the hat but it is his right to wear it. Goodness! All this over a hat.

 

[Picard1138]

She said that it makes me look "ridiculous", "not normal", and would look at the hat and than turn away saying "oh god" as if it were disgusting. She said those things multiple times whenever she would see me in the hat. What's more disturbing is that she kept on saying that it made me look like "an old jewish man" or "amish". Even if the hat did make me look like a member of those groups, it would not bother me because I respect them. I do not see why she has to view looking even a little bit like them negatively.

Collegeguy,

If your mother is anti semitic or anti-amish, there are many more underlying problems at play here and frankly she doesn't deserve your obedient respect.

Nevertheless, parents will be parents, and remind her that at least you didn't get anything pierced or tattooed on your body, it's just a hat! If she thinks you're making some sort of "mistake," remind her that these are YOUR MISTAKES TO MAKE. What did SHE wear when she was 19?

Echoing Fastuni's recommendation, a great gray felt hat with black grosgrain ribbon is an extremely versatile hat. I wear a gray Stetson Chatham almost every day, it goes with everything. I would also suggest, in Miami you can wear a straw fedora almost all year long. It will protect your head and face from the sun, and keep a lot cooler than a black fur felt. If you want I can source you either for a good price.

In any case, you only live once, wearing a Fedora is certainly not "not normal." 50 years ago a man wouldn't be caught dead outdoors without a hat on. Tell your mom to put that in her pipe and smoke it.

Best of luck,

-Max

 

[suitedcboy]

Record her comments on your smartphone and then play them back for her. Almost assured she will have a "I've become my mother" moment. Will it change her opinion? Likely not.

 

[mingoslim]

If it's any relief, my Ma has been bemused by my clothing/fashion choices since I was about 16 (now 35). Apparently vintage style "is not normal".

You hit the nail on the head . . . I have had the same problem since I was 16 (now 54!) . . . My mother has learned to live with it . . . And she no longer tries to buy me clothes she approves of for Christmas . . .

College Guy . . . Be respectful of your mom, but BE YOURSELF.

 

[Mulceber]

To be honest, I'm surprised that her extreme reaction hasn't drawn comments from other members of the family. Everyone else seems ok with it, she starts making nasty and (possibly) biggoted remarks and nobody else raises an eyebrow or tries to encourage her to be more moderate? It seems like you have a hard line to toe - you want to (and should!) establish your own identity and your own sense of style, but while you're financially dependent on them, discretion is the better part of valor. At this juncture, at least, I wouldn't recommend saying anything too direct to her...but you might buy a second hat just to subtly let her know that you aren't backing down - like several other people here, I'd recommend a gray hat - it's less likely to draw the Jewish/Amish comments anyway. -M

 

[Tomasso]

But for a handful of days per year I can't see wearing a felt in Miami. If ever there was a town for straw (in the US), Miami is it.

 

[thecollegeguy123]

That's what I almost suspected.
Whatever people's views about orthodox Jews or Amish, that's very often simply what is associated with ("dressy") black hats with larger brims.
This may have to do something with her negativity. A lighter color hat certainly can't be labelled "Jewish" or "Amish" (as silly as this is in the first place anyway).

Although her negativity should not be a reason to avoid black hats, have you thought about getting a lighter (grey, light brown or beige) hat?
A mid-grey hat with black band is VERY versatile - much more than black or browns.
I also started out with a black fedora, but soon discarded it, since it doesn't fit with my (vintage) wardrobe and also looks just a bit too "dramatic".
I received more negative comments from strangers (though I did not care) when wearing black.
Brown usually get's "detective" or "Indiana jones" remarks... but grey is the most positively received (or simply ignored - just as good).

Thank you for the advice. Lately I have had a growing interest in open crown fedoras that I could shape myself. If I can find a gray open crown fedora, I will probably buy it. I should check to see if Akubra sells such a hat.

 

[Edward]

I remember the days when my folks would raise an eyebrow (or, once in a blue moon, a voice) over what I wore - these young people's clothes they didn't get (probably as well they never saw me in drag or with any make-up at all...). Now I dress like their parents did in their heyday, and my folks still don't get it. It amuses me.... where once it was "cut that hair!", now they wish I hadn't shaved it all off; where once my trousers looked ridiculous because they were "like johdpurs", now they're too wide... lol

There are only two ways to deal with this:

1] Tell Mommy Dearest that it's your head, and it's going in a hat.

2] Fins another hat she hates even more, wear that for a few months around her, then she'll soon want you to go back to "that nice black one...". An SS or other WW2 German cap might be good (swastikas a bonus), or possibly a Fez. Maybe a jester hat ("You said I looked like a clown anyhow...."). As you're in Florida, perhaps a Union slouch hat, complete with insignia (accessorise with occasional quips about 'Southern Racist Trash' et cetera). You can't afford to flinch if you use this one, but it can be devastatingly effective.

You could also just get a haircut she hates so much, she begs you to keep it covered. And you know how bst to do that....

Exactly. You're 19 years old: You really don't need to listen to your mother about such matters. presumably she hasn't been clothing you for quite some time.

If it's any relief, my Ma has been bemused by my clothing/fashion choices since I was about 16 (now 35). Apparently vintage style "is not normal".

Oh, yeah. I hear that. It's not normal, and you have to be careful on the street or you'll be targetted and beaten up...

If your fedora wearing is your Mom's biggest complaint then she should consider herself a very lucky mother.

Precisely.

 

[thecollegeguy123]

To be honest, I'm surprised that her extreme reaction hasn't drawn comments from other members of the family. Everyone else seems ok with it, she starts making nasty and (possibly) biggoted remarks and nobody else raises an eyebrow or tries to encourage her to be more moderate? It seems like you have a hard line to toe - you want to (and should!) establish your own identity and your own sense of style, but while you're financially dependent on them, discretion is the better part of valor. At this juncture, at least, I wouldn't recommend saying anything too direct to her...but you might buy a second hat just to subtly let her know that you aren't backing down - like several other people here, I'd recommend a gray hat - it's less likely to draw the Jewish/Amish comments anyway. -M

She does not usually make those comments in public or in front of family. Whenever she ridicules my appearance, it is usuallly done in private. I have talked with my father about what she says, but his response is "if mom is not happy, nobody is happy". I just wish that her happiness did not depend so severely on my appearance.

 

[Fastuni]

If you want a grey open crown fur felt, check out the grey Akubra Federation.

 

[thecollegeguy123]

I remember the days when my folks would raise an eyebrow (or, once in a blue moon, a voice) over what I wore - these young people's clothes they didn't get (probably as well they never saw me in drag or with any make-up at all...). Now I dress like their parents did in their heyday, and my folks still don't get it. It amuses me.... where once it was "cut that hair!", now they wish I hadn't shaved it all off; where once my trousers looked ridiculous because they were "like johdpurs", now they're too wide... lol

There are only two ways to deal with this:

1] Tell Mommy Dearest that it's your head, and it's going in a hat.

2] Fins another hat she hates even more, wear that for a few months around her, then she'll soon want you to go back to "that nice black one...". An SS or other WW2 German cap might be good (swastikas a bonus), or possibly a Fez. Maybe a jester hat ("You said I looked like a clown anyhow...."). As you're in Florida, perhaps a Union slouch hat, complete with insignia (accessorise with occasional quips about 'Southern Racist Trash' et cetera). You can't afford to flinch if you use this one, but it can be devastatingly effective.

You could also just get a haircut she hates so much, she begs you to keep it covered. And you know how bst to do that....



Oh, yeah. I hear that. It's not normal, and you have to be careful on the street or you'll be targetted and beaten up...



Precisely.

It is funny that you mention hairstyles because that has been another point of conflict between me and her. When I was much younger, my hair was short. It was a classic young boy's haircut that would not seem out of place on anybody. However, as I got into my teenage years, my mother complained that my hair was too short and that she wanted me to grow it out longer. Her complaint was that my hair would stick up too much and that it would lay down easier if it was longer. Her complaint was somewhat legitimate because it is true that I have thick hair that is very difficult to keep down without using a lot of hair product. Unfortunately longer hair did not satisfy her. Within a few months, she told me that she hated my long hair and told me to cut it short again. She kept changing her mind all throught highschool, so my hair varied in length often. Since I live in Miami now, I have it cut short because of the heat and humidity. She still complains about my hair, though. It is difficult to find any common ground with her when she keeps changing her mind every few months.

 

[HudsonHawk]

It is funny that you mention hairstyles because that has been another point of conflict between me and her. When I was much younger, my hair was short. It was a classic young boy's haircut that would not seem out of place on anybody. However, as I got into my teenage years, my mother complained that my hair was too short and that she wanted me to grow it out longer. Her complaint was that my hair would stick up too much and that it would lay down easier if it was longer. Her complaint was somewhat legitimate because it is true that I have thick hair that is very difficult to keep down without using a lot of hair product. Unfortunately longer hair did not satisfy her. Within a few months, she told me that she hated my long hair and told me to cut it short again. She kept changing her mind all throught highschool, so my hair varied in length often. Since I live in Miami now, I have it cut short because of the heat and humidity. She still complains about my hair, though. It is difficult to find any common ground with her when she keeps changing her mind every few months.

My last comment to you, as I know I sound like a broken record. But she isn't "changing her mind", she is controlling you. It's no surprise she doesn't do it it in front of other family members, as they're more likely to call her on it. You're not, apparently. It will not stop with your hair or a hat, unless you put your foot down. If you do, the hurftul comments will stop. If you don't, be prepared for a life of suffering a domineering mother who will want to contol every aspect of your life. Good luck.

 

[alanfgag]

Amazing volume of responses to this... a testament to the universal complexity of the relationship between a boy and his mom. Personally, I would savor the opportunity to battle with my mom again. Some things get easier with age, others don't.

 

[thecollegeguy123]

My last comment to you, as I know I sound like a broken record. But she isn't "changing her mind", she is controlling you. It's no surprise she doesn't do it it in front of other family members, as they're more likely to call her on it. You're not, apparently. It will not stop with your hair or a hat, unless you put your foot down. If you do, the hurftul comments will stop. If you don't, be prepared for a life of suffering a domineering mother who will want to contol every aspect of your life. Good luck.

I am planning on wearing the hat when we go to visit our extended family. I know that they will love the hat and compliment me on it. It will be much more difficult for my mother to criticize me when there are relative around. Hopefully this will allow me to get used to ignoring her dissaproval and get her used to seeing me in the hat.

 

[Picard1138]

Sounds like you need to draw a line in the sand with your mom. If you make it clear to her how unpleasant she makes you feel, enough to post it for advice on a message board, maybe she will try to stop being so critical. Otherwise, I'm sure there are friends in Miami who would be happy to have you come over for Christmas that don't make you feel terrible.

Walking out is by no means a solution, merely a bandaid. Many people have troublesome mothers, myself included for a long time, until we came to some understanding. However, if she is unwilling to listen and stop micro managing your life, you may need to avoid contact for the sake of your mental wellbeing and growth as an adult.

Also, post a photo of you in the hat and we'll let you know how wrong she is about looking ridiculous. 10:1 says you pull it off grand.

By the way, here's me in my gray Stetson Chatham that I highly recommend, and a khaki cotton suit from Brook's Brothers (very stylish for Los Angeles or Miami alike):


-Max

 

[Mulceber]

I find myself agreeing with HudsonHawk. I'm not sure I'd directly address matters with her, but it's very clear that she isn't going to be pleased no matter what you do, and this may be an effort at keeping you under her power. My advice: style yourself how you like, however you like, and pay absolutely no attention to what she has to say. If she complains to you, evade the issue and change the subject. Just keep dressing the way you dress. Eventually she'll either drop the issue or she'll start doing these things in public, in which case she'll be called out on it by others.

 

[CaramelSmoothie]

Tell your mother that Norman Bates has a thing or two to say about controlling mothers as witnessed in a little Golden Era film called Psycho.


Disclaimer: I am by no means saying that you are anything like Norman Bates and that you should kill your mom, this is just my attempt to keep the thread light-hearted and joke about controlling mothers