Clean Jokes

[AmateisGal]

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

You can roast beef, but you can't pea soup.

*da dum!

 

[scottyrocks]

This just in . . .

A man was found dead in a vat of falafel condiment.

Police are considering it a hummiside.

 

[1961MJS]

Hi

Speaking more of fish:

No one in this town could catch any fish except this one man. The game warden asked him how he did it. The man told the game warden that he would take him fishing the next day. Once they got to the middle of the lake the man took out a stick of dynamite, lit it, and threw it in the water. After the explosion fish started floating to the top of the water. The man took out a net and started picking up the fish. The game warden told him that this was illegal. The man took out another stick of dynamite and lit it. He then handed it to the game warden and said " are you going to fish or talk".

Later

 

[Dubya]

Our local ice cream seller was found dead yesterday covered in raspberry syrup and crushed nuts!



The Police think he topped himself!




.......................I'll get my coat! :whistle:

 

[Dubya]

My mate made his girlfriend's dreams come true and married her in a castle.
Although you wouldn't have thought it from the look on her miserable face as we were bouncing around, she is so ungrateful.

 

[Dubya]

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that 2:30am?!

Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

 

[Dubya]

My missus told me to buy something to make her look sexy.






.............so I bought 12 cans of extra strength lager!

 

[Dubya]

I've booked a table to celebrate my wedding anniversary with my wife tonight.


I think it'll end in tears, as she's hopeless at snooker!

 

[J.W.]

Excellent, Dubya!

 

[Dubya]

Excellent, Dubya!

Cheers J.W.

 

[V.C. Brunswick]

A young man wins the lottery and he rushes home to share the good news. His dad asks what he's going to do with the money and the young man says, "Well I'm going to do all the things I've ever dreamed of doing. I'm going to buy myself a Lamborghini, perhaps take a trip around the world." Then the young man stops to think and says,"Oh yes, and for everything you've done for me, Pops, I'd like to give you... Fifty dollars"

The father then says, "Why this is a surprise. Fifty dollars you say?

"Yes, I feel quite generous if I say so myself. So Pops, what are you going to do with your fifty dollars?"

"Ya know, son," says the father, "I think I'll use it to go and marry your mother."

"Marry my mother??? You know what that makes me, doesn't it???

"Yeah, and a cheap one!"

 

[DeaconKC]

Two Irishmen, Mickey and Seamus, are in a lifeboat in the middle of the Atlantic. Looking around, they find an old, beat up lamp under the tarp. There is some faded writing on the side and when they rub it, there is a small puff of smoke and slowly a tired and wrinkled genie crawls out of the lamp. He looks them over and says "Boys, I am old, tired and worn out. I've only got one wish left, so you better make it a good one." Mickey pipes up "I want you to turn the whole ocean into Guiness Beer." The Genie nods and with a puff of smoke, disappears, leaving them afloat on beer. Seamus leans over and slaps Mickey upside the head. :Now what you go and be doin' that for?" "You bloody fool, now we have to pee in the boat!"

 

[mflemming]

The Pope is sitting at his desk one fine spring morning. Suddenly the doors to his study burst open and several Cardinals, breathless and disheveled come running in, shouting "Your Holiness, your Holiness, this is it, THE BIG ONE! Its the Second Coming! Christ is riding across St. Peter's Square on a donkey! WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?"

The Pope calmly picks up his pen and says "Look busy."

 

[Espee]

The Pope's secretary shouts excitedly, "Your Holiness! On the phone... GOD is on the phone, and wants to speak to you... however... I think I should tell you... he's calling from Salt Lake City."

 

[Undertow]

Orville the farmer gets up in the middle of the night to answer the telephone.
“Is this one one one one?”, says the voice.
Orville says, “No, this is eleven eleven.”
“Are you sure it isn’t one one one one?”
Orville shakes his head and says, “No, this is eleven eleven.”
“Well, wrong number. Sorry to have got you up on the middle of the night.”
Orville replies, “That’s all right, mister. I had to get up to answer the telephone anyway.”

This used to make me laugh to tears when I was a kid.

 

[Philip A.]

I caught my seven year old son as he was about to steal cookies from the pantry. I growled in his back:

"If I were you I wouldn't do that."

He turned, startled for a second, then replied "No... But you'd play with Auntie Mary's breasts when mom is at work."

"There's chocolate in the fridge, and the marshmallows are in the left drawer." said I.

 

[Davy Crockett]

Heard an old Les Dawson one yesterday it goes;

Every year the mother in law comes round for Christmas Dinner,

we're going to have a change this year,

we'll let her in!

 

[nice hat dude!]

An elderly gent is walking through the park watching birds,all of a sudden he hears a little voice say mr mr he looks around doesn't see anything continues walking,he hears the same little voice again mr mr down here he looks down and sees a frog reaches down picks it up,the frog says if you give me a kiss I turn into a beautiful princess and would grant you anything you would like,the old gent puts the frog in his pocket and continues walking,again the frog says mr mr didn't you hear what I said?the old gents says yes I heard you but at my age I'd just as soon have a talking frog

 

[JonnyO]

Whats the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

Outlaws are actually wanted.

 

[nice hat dude!]

An alligator walks into a bar,asks the barkeep if they serve alligators he says yes.Alligator says I'll have a beer
barkeep says I can't serve you,alligator tells him that he said he serves alligators,barkeep says we do but you have to be seated,alligator looks up and down the bar doesn't see any seats,little skinny girl at the end of the bar so alligator goes down there eats the girl and takes her seat calls barkeep and ask for a beer again barkeep tells alligator can't serve you,alligator very angrily says to barkeep you said if I was seated you could serve me,barkeep says yes that's right but you're on drugs,alligator really pissed says what do you mean I'm on drugs,barkeep says...wait for it...that was a barbituate,(love that joke)