Clean Jokes

[HoosierDaddy]

[video=youtube;-3i6lK7EyVc]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-3i6lK7EyVc[/video]

 

[lolly_loisides]

A Dyslexic man walks into a bra...........

"I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays"

 

[Atticus Finch]

A ventriloquist has car trouble and stops at a small farm house far from town. The lonely farmer invites him in for supper. After supper, the farmer offers to show the ventriloquist around his modest farm. As they walk by the chicken coop, the ventriloquist decides to have some fun at the farmer’s expense. He throws his voice so as to make the chickens appear to be talking, telling the ventriloquist how happy they are living at the farm and how well they are treated by the farmer. Needless to say, the farmer is astonished, but he keeps quiet. Next, they walk through the barn where the horses and cows also appear to be talking, praising the farmer for his good animal husbandry. By now, the farmer is dumbfounded but, still, he remains quiet. As they walk in silence, they approach the sheep pen. Suddenly, the farmer can no longer stand it. He looks the ventriloquist straight in the eye and says,

“Pay no attention to these sheep. Sheep lie.”

AF

 

[Kabel]

How's this for corny

Two fish are in a tank. One fish looks to the other and says: "hey, do you know how to drive this thing?"

 

[lolly_loisides]

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here".

 

[randooch]

 

[Bruce Wayne]

Randooch, the image isn't showing up.

 

[randooch]

Weird. It shows up fine on my screen . . .

 

[Retro_GI_Jane]

Because it's stored in your cache. Right clicking the x..looks like you posted a link to an email message?

 

[LizzieMaine]

This guy is cleaning out his attic and finds an old box of papers that belonged to his great grandfather. "Hey, look at this," he says to his wife. "Insurance policies, a bankbook, check stubs -- and hey, what's this? Looks like a claim check for something -- ah, it's a claim check from a shoe repair store. Dated September 7, 1913. How 'bout that."

The wife takes a look at the claim check and says "Hey, you know what? I know where this shop is -- in fact, I think it's still in business, same family's been running it forever. Let's go down there and show it to them -- I bet they'd get a kick out of it."

So they go downtown and it's this little hole-in-the-wall shop, all grimy and dusty, with a little counter at the front, and they walk in and ring the little bell. And the owner comes out from behind the curtain at the back of the shop, a little old gnomish looking man with an apron on, shoe polish all over his hands. And they show him the claim check. "We found this in our attic, it's for a pair of shoes my great-grandfather brought in in 1913. Isn't that neat?"

The shoe guy squints at the ticket, wipes off his glasses, takes a closer look, and excuses himself and goes into the back of the shop. A few minutes later he comes back to the counter.

"Be ready next Tuesday."

 

[Dan Rodemsky]

All those clean parrot jokes reminded me of the story a lonely man who decided to buy a parrot for companionship. The shop owner assured him that the parrot could speak. Unfortunately, when he got the bird home, all it would do is swear a blue streak! The man returned the parrot to the store but the shop owner would not take the return. He had guaranteed that the bird would speak, not the content. Dejected, the man brought the bird home, with it swearing all the way. After some time, he could not take it any longer. In frustration, he threw the bird in the freezer! There was silence... He started to get worried. He didn't want to harm the bird, he just couldn't stand it any longer. He pulled the shivering bird from the freezer. The bird said "Dear kind sir, I am so sorry for my actions and I hope you will find it in your heart to forgive me. I promise that I will never behave like that again." The man was starled but relieved. Then the parrot asked "By the way, what did the chicken do?"

 

[1961MJS]

Hi

If you're Blond and might find it unsettling to have a joke told about your hair color, I implore you to find another post now, before your delicate sensibilities are outraged.

How to you know if a blond is a good cook?


Wait for it...


She can get the Pop-Tart out of the toaster without breaking it.

Later

 

[randooch]

HOW I LEARNED TO MIND MY OWN BUSINESS

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, "13 . . .13 . . .13 ."

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.

Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick, then they all started shouting, "14 . . .14 . . .14 ."

 

[Mr. Hallack]

Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja! .. Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!

(then your supposed to die laughing!!)

 

[Philip A.]

Hi

If you're Blond and might find it unsettling to have a joke told about your hair color, I implore you to find another post now, before your delicate sensibilities are outraged.

Later

Why on Earth would someone have to apologize before to tell - or post - a joke???

It is most irritating to see the extent to which political correctness pervades every aspect of life...

And it is saddening to realize that one vintage thing that sorely misses in these days, is the freedom to express oneself without worrying about which minority will take offence for whatever is said or done - whether it is a joke, or the simple truth.

 

[PoohBang]

Why on Earth would someone have to apologize before to tell - or post - a joke???

It is most irritating to see the extent to which political correctness pervades every aspect of life...

And it is saddening to realize that one vintage thing that sorely misses in these days, is the freedom to express oneself without worrying about which minority will take offence for whatever is said or done - whether it is a joke, or the simple truth.

I think there's actually a word for that "one vintage thing" you speak of....

 

[1961MJS]

Why on Earth would someone have to apologize before to tell - or post - a joke???

It is most irritating to see the extent to which political correctness pervades every aspect of life...

And it is saddening to realize that one vintage thing that sorely misses in these days, is the freedom to express oneself without worrying about which minority will take offence for whatever is said or done - whether it is a joke, or the simple truth.

Well, actually I copied it from a previous clean joke because I thought it was hilarious in itself. I guess I should have know better with a blond joke.

Later

 

[davidraphael]

A surreal Bavarian joke:

Question:
What's the difference between a bird?

Answer:
They've both got legs of the same length, particularly the left.


I hope this joke hasn't offended any birds, Bavarian surrealists, or Mangoes

 

[PistolPete1969]

You might be a gun-nut if.....

Since we have quite a few gun enthusiasts in here, thought it might be fun to post this.

YOU MIGHT BE A GUN-NUT IF:

You think the smell of Hoppe's No 9 gun oil is an aphrodisiac
Your friends & family seek your advise on gun purchases
Someone new comes over to your house and you have to move all the guns from the corners of the rooms & on top of every flat surface
You clean your house and find a gun you forgot you had
You purchase an new gun, only to find you have two just like it in your gun safe
A buddy buys a new gun and you start looking for ammo for it so YOU can shoot it
You pick up brass at the range for a caliber you "might" someday own
Your wife/girlfriend has ever had to utter the words, "Honey, can you move this gunstock so I can take a shower?"
You go through your "box-o-gun-stuff" only to discover you have accessories for guns you haven't had in 5 years
Your friends tell you, "If the world's gonna end, we're coming over to your house"
The county sheriff's SWAT guys have your number on speed-dial

Enjoy


Pete

 

[AtomicEraTom]

Oh yeah, this describes my family lol lol lol

Since we have quite a few gun enthusiasts in here, thought it might be fun to post this.

YOU MIGHT BE A GUN-NUT IF:

You think the smell of Hoppe's No 9 gun oil is an aphrodisiac
Your friends & family seek your advise on gun purchases
Someone new comes over to your house and you have to move all the guns from the corners of the rooms & on top of every flat surface
You clean your house and find a gun you forgot you had
You purchase an new gun, only to find you have two just like it in your gun safe
A buddy buys a new gun and you start looking for ammo for it so YOU can shoot it
You pick up brass at the range for a caliber you "might" someday own
Your wife/girlfriend has ever had to utter the words, "Honey, can you move this gunstock so I can take a shower?"
You go through your "box-o-gun-stuff" only to discover you have accessories for guns you haven't had in 5 years
Your friends tell you, "If the world's gonna end, we're coming over to your house"
The county sheriff's SWAT guys have your number on speed-dial

Enjoy


Pete