Clean Jokes

[Zachary]

Two clairvoyants meet each other.

„Are you coming along with me?“
„No, I‘ve already been there.“

 

[Zachary]

Who created the Grand Canyon?

A Scotchman who had lost a penny.

 

[Zachary]

The other day, I went to the university’s mensa for lunch.

There was an unoccupied seat next to a professor of mine.

“May I sit down here?”, says I.
“A pig cannot sit next to a swan”, he answered.
“No problem, I’ll fly along.”

 

[Zachary]

My apologies if this violates the non-politics rule …

A priest in rural Kansas is said to possess a parrot that can talk. However, it's a parrot that always says:
"Clinton, Sanders, Gore, go to hell!"

The guys from the FBI learn about this, and, you can guess, they pay a visit.

However, as soon as the agents are inside the parish house, the parrot stays mute.

They wait five minutes, fifteen minutes, half an hour. One of the agents gets impatient. He shakes the birdcage, and shouts at the parrot:
"Now say it! Finally say it! Say: 'Clinton, Sanders, Gore, go to hell'!"

The parrot answers:

"May the almighty God have the mercy to answer your prayers Amen!"

 

[Zachary]

Since the Lady of the House is employed and goes to work every day, her emancipated husband takes a cooking course.

Two weeks later, the wife says:
"I'll be arriving home later today, could you please fry some eggs?"
"We didn't deal with eggs yet."

Another two weeks later:
"I'll be home late, please cook some pasta."
"We didn't deal with pasta yet."
"Now that's strange! What do you learn in this course at all?"
"Right now, we're dealing with Gender Mainstreaming and Queer Studies."

 

[Zachary]

The State of Illinois celebrates its Bicentennial.

The mayors of Springfield, Peoria, and Chicago discuss about a good gift to Governor Rauner.
Springfield's mayor says: "We could built a cuckoo clock where the cuckoo appears and shouts, 'In God we trust!'."

The mayor of Peoria says: "We could built a cuckoo clock where the cuckoo appears and shouts, 'De pluribus unum!'"

The mayor of Chicago says: "We could built a cuckoo clock where Governor Rauner appears and shouts: 'Cuckoo, cuckoo!'"

 

[Zachary]

Werner Heisenberg, Kurt Gödel, and Noam Chomsky step into a pub. The bartender tells them a joke.

Heisenberg says: “Of course it’s a joke, but can we distinguish whether it’s funny or not?”

Gödel says, “We cannot prove this, since we’re inside the joke.”

Chomsky replies, “Of course it’s funny, we’re just telling it the wrong way.”

 

[Zachary]

Three gentlemen -- a Swiss, a French, and an East German -- are shipwrecked in the Caribbean.

It takes them a whole week to circumtravel the coast of the lone and uninhabited island. Then, they find a kerosene lamp lying on the beach.

They pick up the lamp, and -- CABOOM! -- a Gin appears.

"You brave men have liberated me!", he is happy. "Each of you has a wish free."

The Swiss man: "I miss my family in Zürich, please, get me back to them!" -- and it happens.
The French man: "Well, I can't wait to see my beloved girlfriend in Paris, please get me back to her!"
-- and it happens.

"Now", the Gin says, "what's your wish, poor man from the GDR?"
"Well", he slowly says, considering, "I miss my friends from Switzerland and France so much. Please get them back to me!"

 

[Trenchfriend]

Restaurant:

Guest asks the garcon: "Excuse me, can you recommend me something, fastly? Because I have to go, shortly.

Garcon: "Get the fish. It has to go shortly, too."

 

[GHT]

The royal wedding fever seems to going a bit too far.........

 

[KY Gentleman]

One Sunday a young preacher arrived at his church only to find a single member of the congregation present.
He said, “Brother it looks like maybe we should both just go home and enjoy this day with family.”
The parishioner responded, “if I was a farmer and only one cow showed up to eat, I would give it hay.”
Suddenly inspired the young Pastor got behind the pulpit and gave a 90 minute sermon.
Afterwards he told the man sitting in the pews “thank you sir for your words of encouragement! You have shown me the importance of keeping my commitments to my flock!”

The gentleman then answered “if only one cow showed up to feed I would have given him some hay off my wagon, but I wouldn’t have given him the whole load.”

 

[GHT]

The first man married a woman from Italy. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from Poland. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married an English girl. He ordered her to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees

 

[Zombie_61]

I have a step ladder.

I never knew my real ladder.

 

[1mach1]

I have a step ladder.

I never knew my real ladder.

Hahahaha [emoji14]

 

[Benny Holiday]

I saw an Apple store get robbed at lunchtime today. Does that make me an iWitness?

I discovered the perfect device for finding furniture in a dark room. It's called my shinbone.

If at first you don't succeed . . . then skydiving is not for you.

I saw a trailer for a movie called "Constipation" a while back, but it never came out.

I'm writing a horror movie screenplay. It starts off with a ringing phone. A person answers and a voice on the other end says, "Hi, it's Mom, I have a computer question . . . "

I was wondering what my parents did before the internet when they got bored. I asked my 17 brothers and sisters and they didn't know either.

 

[Bamaboots]

An old blind cowboy strolls into a bar one day. Without knowing it, he has actually entered an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He wanders over to a bar stool and asks the bartender for a shot of Jack Daniels.

He sits there for a while, then calls out to the bartender. “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”

At that point the entire bar falls deadly silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a club.

3. I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in Karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, cowboy… Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?”

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,

“No… Not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

 

[Trenchfriend]

@Bamaboots
Great! I know the german version.

 

[Hurricane Jack]

According to ancient Hawaiian tradition the quickest way to APPEASE PELE and stop the volcano is to make a human sacrifice of a celebrated Hawaiian into the fire.

Barak Obama quickly announced he was actually born in Kenya and has the Birth Certificate to prove it.

 

[2jakes]

A police officer called the station on his radio.
"I have an interesting case here.
An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped."
"Have you arrested the woman ?"
"Not yet, the floor is still wet."

 

[2jakes]