Clean Jokes

[3fingers]

^^ Downtown Ottumwa, Iowa.

 

[Zachary]

"Sir! You cannot park your bicycle here! We're expecting a Soviet delegation any minute now!"
"Doesn't matter. It's locked."

 

[2jakes]

 

[2jakes]

 

[2jakes]

Differences between Americans, English, and Mexicans
when a fly lands in their beer:
The American, irritated, removes the fly with a spoon, and keeps on drinking.
The Englishman says "Eww, bloody disgusting" and sends the beer back.
The Mexican grabs the fly and holds it over the glass, shouting...
"Spit it out, you stinkin' fly, spit it out!"

 

[Zachary]

My parents come from the German Democratic Republic; a country where the regime punished political jokes hard, yet there are so many of them.

The people of the GDR were said to be very diligent; hence this joke:

An American, a French, and an East German are in an airplane that crashes over Africa. All three are held hostage by cannibals.

Before being processed to food, each of them has a last wish free.

The American says: "Just let me have a gulp of finest bourbon."
He gets it; drinks it; lays under the guillotine. The guillotine knife falls down, but stucks. The American wins his life.

The French says: "I want to make love to a wonderful woman."
He gets "his" woman. They have fun. Finally, he lays under the guillotine. The knife falls, stucks, he wins his life.

Now it's the East German's turn.
"German, what is your last wish?", they ask him.
The German meditates for a while, and finally desires:
"May I fix the guillotine?"

 

[Trenchfriend]

What's blue and stands on the roadside?

A frostitute...

 

[2jakes]

 

[Zombie_61]

^ Try that in a restaurant sometime.

 

[GHT]

A much more honest version of the famous London Underground Map:

 

[Eamonsieur]

I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me when he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it.

I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, but it is also terrible.

Why did the old lady fall into the well? She couldn't see that well.

 

[Eamonsieur]

A young child is sitting on a bench in a park eating a huge bag of candy.

An old man walks up to him and says "You shouldn't eat so much candy, it's bad for your health!"

The kid replies, "Well, my grandpa lived to be 106 years old!"

The old man is shocked. "What was his secret? Did he eat a lot of candy?"

"No," the kid replies. "He minded his own damn business!"

 

[Zachary]

A man in Chicago, IL is boarding an Amtrak train for Kansas City, MO. After a few minutes, the conductor comes by. He checks the ticket and is puzzled:
"Your ticket is valid for St. Louis. We will not stop until Kansas City."
"I can't believe it!", the man says. "I surely was misinformed by the ticket sales person."

After a short discussion, the conductor presents an idea.
"We will travel through St. Louis Union Station, however, we will do so at minimal speed. Simply stay on the coach's lowest sidestep when we come by. I will grab you by the scruff of the neck and hold you airborne, then, simply start running as soon as your feet reach the ground."

Some time later, St. Louis Union Station approaches. The man does as desired. When he is lifted in the air, he starts running, and happily he notices he has ground below his feet! He keeps running, and as he decelerates, the train's last coach passes by. On the sidestep of the last coach is another conductor standing. He grabs the man by the scruff of the neck, and lifts him into the train.

"Well, Sir", he says; "without me, you surely wouldn't have made it to Kansas City in time."

 

[Zachary]

A blind man comes to Macy‘s. After entering, he grabs his guide dog by the tail, lifts him up, and spins him around.

Another man next to him angrily asks:
“Sir, why the heck do you do that to your dog? You cannot spin a guide dog through the air, by his tail!”

“Why do you care? I’d simply like to look around.”

 

[Zachary]

The phone rings.

"Is this One-One-One-Two speaking?"
"No, it's Eleven-Twelve."
"I beg your pardon; I dialed the wrong number."
"No problem. The phone had just rung anyway."

 

[Zombie_61]

George Clooney, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Matthew McConaughey get together and decide to make a movie. Clooney says, "I'll direct." DiCaprio says, "I'll act." McConaughey says, "I'll write, I'll write, I'll write."

 

[1mach1]

Rene Descartes walks into a bar and orders a drink. When he finishes his drink, the bartender asks him if he would like another. Descartes replies, “No, I think not,” and disappears.

 

[1mach1]

Rene Descartes walks into a bar and orders a drink. When he finishes his drink, the bartender asks him if he would like another. Descartes replies, “No, I think not,” and disappears.

 

[3fingers]

^^^ That's pretty good.


Still funny the second time too.

 

[1mach1]

^^^ That's pretty good.


Still funny the second time too.

Ha! Was that posted before?

Maybe I've had one too many gin and tonics. [emoji14]