Clean Jokes

[EngProf]

Scariest part of born to be wild is when they find a head out on the highway

I tried this joke out on two other forums, by just giving the first two lines of the first stanza. NOBODY got the point.
Even when I pointed out that there was a HEAD out on the highway, still NOBODY (and I even wrote no body) could figure it out. I think it's one of the funniest things I have read in some time.

Those other people just haven't seen "Easy Rider" enough times (while not stoned) to get the joke.
I think it's hilarious.

 

[Zombie_61]

A blind man walks into a bar, proceeds to the center of the room, grabs his seeing eye dog by the tail, and starts swinging the dog around over his head. The bartender rushes over and asks, "Can I help you, Sir?" The blind man replies, "No thanks, I'm just looking around."

 

[Zachary]

Husband: "What's for dinner tonight?"
Wife: "Nothing."
Husband: "We had that yesterday already!"
Wife: "Yes, I precooked for two days."

 

[Zachary]

Donald Trump is curious about what people are really thinking about him.
He disguises himself as an elderly woman and walks into a bar in downtown Manhattan.
Inside the bar, he finds a man sitting lonely in a corner next to his glass of beer.
'That's my chance,' he thinks, and goes ahead to this man.
"Sir, could you please tell me what's your honest opinion about our Commander in Chief and 45th President of the United States of America, Mister Donald John Trump?"
The man is somewhat puzzled; in embarrassment, he looks around, adjusts his tie, leans ahead and whispers: "Well, Madam, I'm afraid I can't say that in public. Let us go somewhere lonely."
Trump agrees.
They walk out of the bar, where there is only moderate traffic.
"Well, Sir, now please tell me what your honest opinion about Commander in Chief and 45th President of the United States of America, Mister Donald John Trump is!"
"Well, Madam …" – the man is still embarrassed, adjusts his tie again, and says: "Well … there are still plenty of people around here … let's go to Central Park."
So they go to Central Park, up on a lonely hill.
They look around. No human being whatsoever within 100 yards.
"Now would you please tell me your honest opinion about our brave Commander in Chief and 45th President of the United States of America, Mister Donald John Trump?"
"Well …" – the man adjusts his tie, makes sure no one watches them, and finally whispers:
"Actually, he's not so bad after all …"

 

[Trenchfriend]

What do you do, when your wife starts smoking??

Slow down and take some lubricant...

 

[Zachary]

What do you do, when your wife starts smoking??

Slow down and take some lubricant...

Hey dude, it's called "Clean Jokes" here …

 

[Turnip]

Couple having fun:

Wife: Oh Honey, now say something real dirty to me…
Hubby: Kitchen! Bathroom! Living room!

 

[Zombie_61]

Hey dude, it's called "Clean Jokes" here …

Yeah, but if you read through the thread you'll see others have pushed at the edge of that envelope already, so...

 

[Zachary]

You might be right, but usualness shouldn't lead to standards.

People shouldn't follow bad suits and model themselves to negative archetypes.

Just because a couple of people are doing it doesn't make the matter better.

 

[Turnip]

And how is it about banned politics and your post #2884?

 

[tonyb]

Husband: "What's for dinner tonight?"
Wife: "Nothing."
Husband: "We had that yesterday already!"
Wife: "Yes, I precooked for two days."

Calvin Trillin, the food writer (among other things), once said to Johnny Carson that his mother had mastered the art of serving leftovers for dinner every night for 17 years.

 

[Tiki Tom]

I thought it was the dryer that was shrinking my clothes. It turns out that it was the refrigerator.

 

[Zombie_61]

You might be right, but usualness shouldn't lead to standards.

People shouldn't follow bad suits and model themselves to negative archetypes.

Just because a couple of people are doing it doesn't make the matter better.

I don't disagree with you, but I don't own or moderate this playground. The bartenders here are very good about allowing us just enough rope to hang ourselves with, but we usually stop short of that so they let us push the boundaries a little once in a while. Even so, The Lounge is the most civil forum I've found on the 'Net by leaps and bounds because most of us do police ourselves.

 

[LostInTyme]

My new log cabin arrived today from Ikea. I may need a bit of help for final assembly.

INSTRUKSHUNZ: "PUT PARZ TOGEDDER VIZ STRUNG NAILZ."

 

[Frunobulax]

 

[Tiki Tom]

Wife: what are you doing today?
Retired husband: Nothing.
Wife: you did nothing yesterday.
Retired husband: it’s not finished yet. I’m still working on it.

 

[Turnip]

 

[Zombie_61]

View attachment 358236

You realize you've just reserved yourself a seat in Hell, right?

 

[Frunobulax]

You realize you've just reserved yourself a seat in Hell, right?

I have season tickets.

 

[Bamaboots]