Clean Jokes

[Zombie_61]

It's like you had a camera behind the mirror the last time I shaved off my beard.

 

[Benny Holiday]

A friend asked me why I always have two pairs of trousers with me when we play golf.
I answered, "In case I get a hole in one, of course."

 

[Benny Holiday]

I will just add for those NSW authorities reading this that the above is purely humour, I do not play golf and if I did, I would not have done so over the course of the past 2 months.

 

[LostInTyme]

Always wear a mask and maintain social distance and sneeze into your elbow.

 

[Frunobulax]

How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?

One Mrs. Hippie, two Mrs. Hippie...
______________________________

Instructor: "Welcome to salsa class! Who's ready to learn how to dance?"
Me (hiding a bag of chips): "I think there's been a misunderstanding..."
_________________________________________

A pastor had dinner at the home of a couple of parishioners. After the dinner, the wife noticed one of her silver spoons missing. She said to her husband, "I think the pastor stole our spoon!"

This bothered her for a whole year.

A year later the couple had the pastor for dinner again, and the wife couldn't help herself, "Did you steal our spoon last year, pastor?" she asked.

"No," he said, "I put it in your Bible."

 

[LostInTyme]

Always keep an eye on your kids.

 

[Frunobulax]

Always keep an eye on your kids.

View attachment 353996

Looks legit.

 

[Trenchfriend]

GDR:
"You know, in the newspaper was an important advert, that there will be a bigger supply in the fruit- and vegetable stores, in the next time!"

"Of fruit and veggies?"

"No, canned fish."

 

[Turnip]

 

[Benny Holiday]

Always wear a mask and maintain social distance and sneeze into your elbow.

Given the situation where I live these days, that's one of the funniest jokes on these pages!

 

[Zombie_61]

Always keep an eye on your kids.

View attachment 353996

Yep. If I had ever learned how to properly balance myself on a skateboard, I would have done it.

 

[Trenchfriend]

A snail crawls up a cherry tree.

A bird flies by: "What are you doing?"

Snail: "I want to eat cherrys."

Bird: "But there's nothing hanging on!"

Snail: "Buddy, when I'm up there, it will!"

 

[Turnip]

 

[Turnip]

 

[Turnip]

 

[Zachary]

An American tourist arrives at Budapest Ferenc Liszt Airport in Hungary.
After claiming his baggage and stepping out of the building, he hails a cab to his hotel.

As they arrive to the city, soon they get to Danube River, and take a bridge to the Buda side.
"What's this bridge called?", the tourist asks.
"That's the Lánchíd. The Széchenyi Chain Bridge. Constructed 1839 through 1849."
"Ten years?", says the tourist with a puzzled voice. "We needed just four years to build the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco!"

The driver is somewhat nauseated, but drives on.

"What's this building?", the tourist asks, pointing at a white building in the mountains, next to the Castle.
"That's halászbásztya, or, in English, Fisherman's Bastion. Our brave citizens built it from 1895 until 1902."
"Seven years?" The tourist almost yells. "That's ridiculous! We brought up Empire State Building within just one year!"

The driver almost boils in his inner.

Then, the tourist points at the megalomanic Houses of Parliament, across the Danube, at the Pest side of the city. "What's that funny building?", he asks.
The driver: "No idea. It wasn't there yet yesterday."

 

[Trenchfriend]

"Believe it or not, I never piddled in the shower!"

"Never?"

"Yeah."

"Really??"

"Yeah, absolutely! Wanna know, why?"

"Yeah, tell me!"

"We never had one."

 

[Benny Holiday]

Patient: Will I be okay, Doc?
Dr: I doubt it. Mercury is in Uranus.
Patient: Aw, I don't believe in all that astrology stuff.
Dr: Me either. My thermometer just broke.

 

[Turnip]

Customer: I’d like to have some liverwurst, from the lardy, gritty please.
Butcher: Sorry sir, she’s at trade school today.

 

[GHT]