Clean Jokes

[2jakes]

Doesn't sound like much of a benefit if it was hospital food. I hope they figure things out and turn you loose soon.

You are so right about the food.
Now that I can eat solids...
I'm lucky to have a couple that brings
me my favorite dishes.
Life is grand!

 

[HoosierDaddy]

Clean jokes..??

 

[2jakes]

 

[Hurricane Jack]

Clean jokes..??

HD, I wasn't aware that you're a bartender, especially for a thread you don't contribute to. So once again I have deleted my posts as far back as I can go in this thread. I'm done here!

Jake, good luck to you! I hope you get good news & return home soon.

 

[HoosierDaddy]

I'm not a bartender..and have contributed to this thread in the past. However, I see nothing funny about a hospital stay. I have had many MRI's and CT scans over the past two years while flying back and forth to Texas fighting cancer. Would it be appropriate to discuss my health issues on a joke thread..?? Delete what you want. Sounds as if you disagree with me and are over sensitive and just want to smash your toys and go home.
HD

 

[2jakes]

Jake, good luck to you! I hope you get good news & return home soon.

Thanks Hurricane Jack.

HD, I apologize for taking the wrong turn.
Everything's cool!
*****************************

 

[bluesmandan]

A different variation:

What odd number becomes more odd when you take away one letter?


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Three. Take away the r and you get thee. And I think thee very odd.


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[Bamaboots]

 

[Bamaboots]

 

[2jakes]

I need that nurse!

 

[2jakes]

 

[2jakes]

 

[3fingers]

I have always been a blood donor. The blood drawers usually like to get me because the veins in my arms are easily visible and easy to hit. I have often been used as a training donor for new people because of this.
I once had an old lady who stabbed me 5 times and never hit the vein. She could no longer see well enough to do the job. I asked the girl at the station next to me to help. She hit it first try. I did have a short discussion with the lead person about appropriate times to retire. If they let her try on a new donor they would never go back.

 

[Zombie_61]

This reminds me of the Mohel who had to retire 'cause he just couldn't cut it any more.

 

[Bamaboots]

This reminds me of the Mohel who had to retire 'cause he just couldn't cut it any more.

Just gave me shivers, Al.

 

[Zombie_61]

Just gave me shivers, Al.

Well then, my work here is done.

 

[bluesmandan]

Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair... Here's your money."

Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."

The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Jack took the money.


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[Zombie_61]

I have always been a blood donor. The blood drawers usually like to get me because the veins in my arms are easily visible and easy to hit. I have often been used as a training donor for new people because of this.
I once had an old lady who stabbed me 5 times and never hit the vein. She could no longer see well enough to do the job. I asked the girl at the station next to me to help. She hit it first try...

When I had to have an appendectomy back in the early 1970s I'd swear the "nurse" they sent in to start my IV was a Candy Striper. She poked at my forearm for 15 minutes before finally admitting defeat, at which point she got a more experienced nurse to show her how to do it properly. I was about 13 years old and even at that age I knew the problem was that she wasn't pulling my skin taut, so the needle was barely penetrating it and I told her so. The more experienced nurse, who was clearly not pleased, swabbed my arm then instructed Miss Candy Striper, "You have to pull the skin taut first." Swabbing my arm, inserting the needle into the vein, and taping it in place took her maybe five seconds, after which Miss Candy Striper followed her out of the room without saying another word to me.

 

[Frunobulax]

One proctologist is examining another proctologist, a colleague and good buddy. During the examination he says to his patient, "You know what this is called? Looking up an old friend!"

Sent directly from my mind to yours.

 

[GHT]

The police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it's only a matter of time before we get a country song where a guy's truck leaves him too.

Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children.