Changes in Attitude in Marriage & Divorce from the Golden Era to Now.

[Story]

This thread seems as good as any for this -

An Italian couple are to become the world's oldest divorcees, after the 99-year-old husband found that his 96-year-old wife had an affair in the 1940s.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/new...es-wife-after-he-discovered-1940s-affair.html

 

[rue]

I guess when it's over it doesn't matter how old you are.

 

[sheeplady]

That must have been very painful for the husband. I can understand why he was hurt; I think even worse is that she kept the letters from her lover for 70 years. It really makes one wonder what she thought about both hims. I can't see someone keeping those letters after it was over unless they meant a emotional attachment, and that would sting anyone really, really badly.

I get that it was a long time ago, but she kept the letters.

I've heard that divorces are very hard to get in Italy, is that true?

 

[scooter]

I truly believe that some folks here have a much too "black and white" perspective. I was the product of a miserable family life, raised by an abusive drunk, who married my mother when I was around 3. I was not made aware of this until I was 47, and I was furious (in fact, still bear anger). His treatment of me colored my perception of myself throughout my life. I tell you this not to seek sympathy but to illustrate a point. Each and every marriage is an individual case study! My mother felt she did the best she could for her children, his abuse of me in particular, not withstanding. I, on the other hand, feel she took the easy way out and bet on the wrong horse, so to speak. She chose to stay with him for some semblance of stability and financial security, and I felt, and still feel, that she condemned herself to a life of poverty and unhappiness.

Later in my life, I divorced my wife of 20 years, to some extent because I saw a repetition of some of the behavior I observed in my childhood. It took a different form, but it smacked of abuse nonetheless in my mind. Others see it differently, and felt I should have preserved the marriage.

The whole point of this treatise is this. As Tom Hanks said, "Marriage is a tough gig." Each marriage is an individual relationship, and NO ONE except the participants, get to decide what they can or will tolerate. Each of us has a different maximum setting on our "bullsh!t" meter. We can, and will only tolerate so much. Many women in decades past, remained in terrible marriages because they were offered no alternatives, realizing they would be scorned by friends, family, and society in general. My present wife, sporting her first black eye 6 months after her marriage, was encouraged by her own parents not to divorce. These women were assigned a different societal value than in present day America. I for one, would not want to see us revert back to a time when women had little to no say in their own lives. I hope all of this made sense!

 

[scooter]

The divorce rates are higher now, but we have no measure of how many marriages in years past were sheer misery for wives and/or children, as a consequence of the old notion that "a man's home is his castle" or "what goes on behind closed doors". Trust me, sometimes those closed doors, represent nothing but a prison cell!

As for "navel gazing", it has been going on since the time of David and Bathsheba. Long before that in fact, and it will be going on long after we are all dead and gone. Just as infidelity, murder, molestation, and so many other atrocities will. Unfortunately, it is just part of the human condition! We simply hear so much more about it now due to the proliferation of information and our media tendencies to disseminate sensational and salacious tidbits.

 

[scooter]

Just realized my original post made it sound as if I had hit my wife! I assure you, this is not the case, her abuse occurred in her first marriage, many, many years ago!

Sorry if I put a damper on what had been an interesting and lively conversation.

 

[ButteMT61]

I grew up in a "Brady Bunch" childhood with fewer siblings.
My wife, OTOH, had an abusive childhood and first marriage. Two completely different life experiences. But somehow we've been married for 20+ years and there has never been any abuse. The occasional verbal lashings? Sure. Impossible not to.
But most definitely, marriage has lost sone of the luster and appearance of perfection it once had. Probably a lot is the same in the marriages, just more public now. It's also not something you see people "aspire to" like they used to.
There's lots of ways this discussion could go, many of which would shutdown the thread. So with that, I wish everyone who's married continued success and happiness. To those not yet but wanting to marry, good luck too. It's a lot of fun and a lot of work. Like everything worthwhile, you get out of it what you put into it (hopefully)

Happy New Year!

 

[shopgirl61]

I guess when it's over it doesn't matter how old you are.

I wouldn't know.

 

[LizzieMaine]

I think it's dangerous to assume that women today are immune to the sort of wretched marriage situations that led to misery in the past -- I think a lot of us probably know someone who stuck with a marriage far longer than they should have "because he'll change this time, I know he will, etc etc etc." Or perhaps someone who insists they just *have* to be in a relationship because if they aren't, well, they just don't know what they'll do -- so they bounce from loser to loser to loser. There are plenty of independent-thinking women today -- but so there always have been. 45 years ago my mother showed one shiftless bum of a husband the door, and when her second husband turned violent, he came home to find the locks changed and his stuff on the sidewalk, and nuts to "what the neighbors might say." And my mother has never, for the slightest moment in her life, considered herself any kind of a feminist -- she simply understands what you have to do to survive. There are plenty of women today who've yet to learn that.

 

[ButteMT61]

Lizzy. You are correct. I sadly have a family member doing just that. Even with my promise that next time, it's over. That'll be my contribution.

 

[59Lark]

Paths not taken



I know people who have divorced for good reasons and found better partners. But my brother wouldn't have remarried--he said as much. My father never made any such remarks, but I think he'd be a lonely old man now. My mother would have to have lived with relatives and worked all day, probably as a cook: hard work for little paychecks. Would she have married a wonderful man who would still be around to take care of her (she's nearly 80)? Where's a fortune teller when you need one?

 

[59Lark]

I am replying to this forum post even though it very old, because its affecting me now, 28 yrs of marriage is ending for me, going in the marriage i had to take more than half of the responsibility due to her back injury, and i did so, i supported her completely and we have two children , recently we dealt with spinal surgery and then cancer and i thought we have weathered a lot and now she says i want out. i am trying to keep the children now 15 and 24 from blaming her for her decision. now at 54 i have so much to do and start over, its really quite alarming, but there are things that would do differently the next time 59LARK.

 

[scotrace]

People say this, but it can't be overstated: Divorce is a difficult thing on every front. No matter the circumstances, it has a huge emotional impact. Everything changes from friendships to living situation--- there's a great deal to be sorted out. I don't know about Canada, but in many cases here it means two households are starting over and both are financially wrecked at the start.
It's always worth trying to put aside anger and work things out quietly. Try and keep every nickel you can for those two households, rather than paying it out in legal fees from a protracted brawl, which is flushed money.

 

[Michael R.]

People say this, but it can't be overstated: Divorce is a difficult thing on every front. No matter the circumstances, it has a huge emotional impact. Everything changes from friendships to living situation--- there's a great deal to be sorted out. I don't know about Canada, but in many cases here it means two households are starting over and both are financially wrecked at the start.
It's always worth trying to put aside anger and work things out quietly. Try and keep every nickel you can for those two households, rather than paying it out in legal fees from a protracted brawl, which is flushed money.

Wise words @scotrace . I've lived through it twice , and it was easier the second time by being kind , and remaining friends . It still hurts though . I'm sorry it happens to anyone .

 

[3fingers]

As wicked as many men are and as badly as they can behave, let us remember that there are some truly vile women who walk among us as well. There is no doubt that this particular sword can have two edges.

 

[59Lark]

I think in my situation, autism is the one to blame, 98 percent of marriages with autism children fail and then add my wife has just been diagnosed last year as well . I just refused to give up, same reason I run a business that most people think is thing of the past as well. I was raised by farmers they never gave up, knock them down and step on them and they would just get back up and fight with everything they had. I really like big band music and old cars and I enjoy wearing a fedora. My wife did not like much of that and wants to be alone and doesn't like people much, I guess that I will have a second chance and this time I will find someone that can appreciate similar likes and someone that appreciates similar likes. keeping ones sanity and finding someone to be happy with , that outa be a loo loo , yowser yowser folks 59Lark

 

[Paisley]

Thinking about this again, I'd be more amenable than I used to be to ending an unhappy marriage, knowing how sensitive I am about not getting along with someone. I don't have any children, and I'm too old to start a family. I've dumped some negative-nancy friends, moved away from family, and left a job working with a couple of nasty old broads, and I'm happier for all of it; that's likely colored my thinking.

That said, it seems reasonable that marriage should be more about stability than fun or fulfillment. You can get fun and fulfillment from dating. But marriage is more of an arrangement where two people are supposed to help each other.

 

[AmateisGal]

Lizzie spoke to my situation when she said this above: "I think a lot of us probably know someone who stuck with a marriage far longer than they should have "because he'll change this time, I know he will, etc etc etc.""

That was my situation. 18 years of an endless cycle. He would change for awhile, things would be great, and then BAM, we'd go through the same thing again. It was agonizing. I should have got out a long time ago. Honestly, if he hadn't cheated on me, I would still be in that marriage, which is actually a horrible thought for me now. It wasn't a partnership and it wasn't as Paisley said above, "Two people supposed to be helping each other." It was one-sided. I was the adult in the marriage.

Now? I'm in a much better place. I took my marriage vows seriously, but sometimes, it's for the best that people go their separate way. My ex and I tried and tried to make it work, but it wasn't to be. And though I abhor a lot of the lapse in judgment, manners, and morality of our modern culture, I am glad that divorce is no longer seen as horribly scandalous. For me, getting divorced probably literally saved my sanity.

 

[59Lark]

Paisley I agree, and I don't want to sound a whiner, but I have carried both sides of this load for 28 yrs, cooked all the meals and

 

[59Lark]

I don't want to come across as I whiner or a martyr , I took marriage and children as a responsibility you don't walk away from, and 28 yrs later, after cooking the meals and working all day, dishes , she wants to leave and go on a mental disability and sit in a apartment . Mental illness is a terrible thing, and we all suffer, and today the bank said, because you put her name on everything you need to re apply for everything.