The Wifely Duties

[LizzieMaine]

The idea of women having to balance family and a job isn't a new problem. Perhaps it is a relatively new thing for middle class women, but traditionally working class and poor women have had to work while raising their families for a very long time.

I've been doing some digging into my family history recently, and some of the things I've found out made me think of this old thread. I never knew my great-grandmother -- she died when I was a year old -- but having dug a bit into her life story, I can see where the streak of independence in the women of my family comes from. And her story diverges quite a bit from what people today think of when they romanticize a "woman's role" in the past.

My great-gran was born in 1894, and fell in love with one of these good-time-Charlie type characters when she was 17 years old. He got her pregnant, and didn't want to marry her because it might cramp his fun, but, not to put too fine a point on it, his life was threatened by her father if he didn't live up to his responsibilities, and they were married two months before the baby -- my grandmother -- was born.

He had always been a drinker, and after the marriage began drinking heavily. He was a mean, abusive drunk and finally, after five years of marriage, she took the two children -- another girl was born in 1914 -- and left him. She got a divorce on the grounds of cruel and abusive treatment and got a job in a shoe factory where she worked for a good many years, until she finally remarried. During these years, my grandmother and great-aunt were basically left to raise themselves -- they were latch-key kids sixty years before the rise of middle-class "latch-key kids" caused all the social commentators to wag their heads in dismay, but they both thrived. They were the first members of our family to graduate from high school, and grew up to be strong, intelligent women.

It took a tough, strong woman to make a decision like my great-grandmother made in 1916. She didn't "stick with the marriage for the sake of the kids," because she knew that doing so would likely cause her children far more harm than good -- and the future proved her correct. Her ex-husband went on to marry five more times -- along with a long period of unmarried cohabitation -- before dying as a penniless drunk in 1950.

 

[ChiTownScion]

Marrying a stay at home wife was never in the cards for me: my dear mother was that and stuck it out in a bad marriage for 29 years- only to find at age 48 that she had no marketable skills and had to take any low skill job that she could. I ended up putting myself through college and law school with very little even in the way of encouragement and moral support from my dear old dad along the way (although introducing me as, "..my son, the lawyer.." was standard later in the game). I pretty much was drawn to ambitious and career orientated women. After all, I was dealing with women like that professionally every day: some so opinionated that they could be deemed abrasive.... but I always thrived on a give-and-take with people like that once they have earned my respect.

Admittedly, not every woman I dated while I was still single was Rhodes Scholar caliber: the one who told me that she didn't want to view an Australian movie because she didn't like reading subtitles comes to mind in that regard. But things finally did work out according to original game plan: I married a lady who ended up with two master's degrees (nursing, and an MBA) and we have both worked full time while raising three sons. Personally, I would not have had it any other way. Out of necessity, we've both had to disregard traditional gender based roles in order to get the job at hand done. That means that I've had to change my fair share of diapers, and that she has had to jump into the drink and change her fair share of boat props. It's made us both stronger, even if it clearly is not the road for everyone. We celebrate 30 years of marriage next year.

I have no desire to put down stay at home wives or moms here. That decision is clearly a personal one, and I understand and respect any individual's right to make that decision. For this man, however, it would have never worked out to have been married to one.

 

[GHT]

To get back to the topic here, I do have to say, a Wife has so many things to do, working out of the home or not, I would hope each person who can say, "I have a Wife", will give her all the love and credit humanly possible.

You may not find God in your life, but I do in mine, and I am thankful he has blessed my life with the good woman I have, that I call, my Wife. She out shines me in any area, bar none!

That, my friend, describes the love that I have for my wife to a 'T.' Your love for each other is a credit to you, and the eloquence with which you describe it is a moving tribute and an example to everyone that a marriage can be a blessing. In another thread I have said that today is our 46th wedding anniversary. It just gets better & better.

In the UK we call our spouse/partner our other half, but let me tell you, she is, without doubt, my better half.
Four more years of dodging that hoodie, the one with a scythe, do that and we will meet the magical 50 years together. Bring it on.

 

[LoveMyHats2]

That, my friend, describes the love that I have for my wife to a 'T.' Your love for each other is a credit to you, and the eloquence with which you describe it is a moving tribute and an example to everyone that a marriage can be a blessing. In another thread I have said that today is our 46th wedding anniversary. It just gets better & better.

In the UK we call our spouse/partner our other half, but let me tell you, she is, without doubt, my better half.
Four more years of dodging that hoodie, the one with a scythe, do that and we will meet the magical 50 years together. Bring it on.

As you may know, my Husband, Daniel, posted the comment you quote. I was not aware of all the comments he may have made regarding our relationship, but have always been aware of where I do stand in life with him.

It is a blessing you celebrate the time of your own marriage. That is a real reward, to say the least.

In the past few years I have taken the time personally to do everything I can to give to my Husband, more than ever. Within the health issues he has had to cope with, (my having to cope, too), it is a easy task for me to reflect on all the ways he has given to me, without my ever having to ask. A sort of "natural" trait that simply exists. A trait worth everything to the both of us, as it is one main trait we share with each other and try so much to share by example, to anyone and everyone else as much as we can.

My Husband grew up in a household of real old school life style. His Father was always commented on as being the "original John Wayne", that other Men would come and ask for his help and viewpoints on how to solve any problem. Taught real deep family values, based upon hard work and good ethics and morals. My own Father was very much the same.

My overall review of my Husband's life from before I knew him to today's date, wow! He has lived life his own way, has several different educational degrees, has been a very successful business owner more than one time, served in the Military, (S.E.A.L), supports 35 unwanted children that live in a compound in Belize that he had his crew from his commercial building company rebuild 7 years ago, has helped a number of almost total strangers pay off home and hospital debts to keep those individuals/families from suffering a total financial ruin, and if I have ever traveled with him, no matter where we go, there are people we will run into that know him and act like he is family to them. I would have to write a long list of things he has done that are so very positive and wonderful to say them all. And in my own life, I have some similar history of giving and being a success.

It is a beautiful part of life to have "Men" that are just that, around you. It allows us "women" to be just that...a woman!

I've always felt sorry for any woman that goes on in life to scorn and berate men. I think the term popular to use is "man bashing". From my history and learning, most of the time we make our own problems, and as far as human nature goes, no gender has it over the other for making mistakes or the wrong choices. What can add to our own daily living is knowing how to not make mistakes, and to cherish the ability to know the difference.

 

[Matt Crunk]

What can I say about my wife beyond that she has put up with me for almost 14 years? For that alone she should be put on a pedestal.

 

[LoveMyHats2]

Marrying a stay at home wife was never in the cards for me: my dear mother was that and stuck it out in a bad marriage for 29 years- only to find at age 48 that she had no marketable skills and had to take any low skill job that she could. I ended up putting myself through college and law school with very little even in the way of encouragement and moral support from my dear old dad along the way (although introducing me as, "..my son, the lawyer.." was standard later in the game). I pretty much was drawn to ambitious and career orientated women. After all, I was dealing with women like that professionally every day: some so opinionated that they could be deemed abrasive.... but I always thrived on a give-and-take with people like that once they have earned my respect.

Admittedly, not every woman I dated while I was still single was Rhodes Scholar caliber: the one who told me that she didn't want to view an Australian movie because she didn't like reading subtitles comes to mind in that regard. But things finally did work out according to original game plan: I married a lady who ended up with two master's degrees (nursing, and an MBA) and we have both worked full time while raising three sons. Personally, I would not have had it any other way. Out of necessity, we've both had to disregard traditional gender based roles in order to get the job at hand done. That means that I've had to change my fair share of diapers, and that she has had to jump into the drink and change her fair share of boat props. It's made us both stronger, even if it clearly is not the road for everyone. We celebrate 30 years of marriage next year.

I have no desire to put down stay at home wives or moms here. That decision is clearly a personal one, and I understand and respect any individual's right to make that decision. For this man, however, it would have never worked out to have been married to one.

I can about bet, when you are alone and are thinking of your Wife and all that you have lived through together, you still have the bright wide warm smile, grow in your heart about her....(the same is there as well on her part when doing the same).

Your story regarding less mentally equipped women, reminds me of something my Husband once told me about a few young ladies he had around him in his younger years. While he was staying with an older gentleman that was a family friend (both single men at the time) they had met up with some girls and had them eventually spend a weekend at a cottage on a lake. During the weekend, my Husband wanted to do some canning of kidney beans. These girls had never done anything like that but stated they wanted to do something to help. These girls had no clue at all...but my Husband said they could help by taking a toothpick and putting one small hole in each bean before it went into the pot of water. When asked why put a hole in each bean, my Husband said it was for letting potential "gas" to escape from the beans! Now those two girls took the toothpicks and spent about 30 minutes doing their best to carefully put a hole in each bean...until finally it hit them, that they had been pranked! They all had a good laugh about it later.

 

[LoveMyHats2]

What can I say about my wife beyond that she has put up with me for almost 14 years? For that alone she should be put on a pedestal.

I can think she is on that pedestal and has been there already for the past 14 years! One thing most women have in common, we sense what is good around us and think about it more than you men would ever guess. I'm sure your Wife knows you are her Champion in life.

 

[VintageBee]

You made my day:eusa_clap

 

[Chas]

I've been doing some digging into my family history recently, and some of the things I've found out made me think of this old thread. I never knew my great-grandmother -- she died when I was a year old -- but having dug a bit into her life story, I can see where the streak of independence in the women of my family comes from. And her story diverges quite a bit from what people today think of when they romanticize a "woman's role" in the past.

My great-gran was born in 1894, and fell in love with one of these good-time-Charlie type characters when she was 17 years old. He got her pregnant, and didn't want to marry her because it might cramp his fun, but, not to put too fine a point on it, his life was threatened by her father if he didn't live up to his responsibilities, and they were married two months before the baby -- my grandmother -- was born.

He had always been a drinker, and after the marriage began drinking heavily. He was a mean, abusive drunk and finally, after five years of marriage, she took the two children -- another girl was born in 1914 -- and left him. She got a divorce on the grounds of cruel and abusive treatment and got a job in a shoe factory where she worked for a good many years, until she finally remarried. During these years, my grandmother and great-aunt were basically left to raise themselves -- they were latch-key kids sixty years before the rise of middle-class "latch-key kids" caused all the social commentators to wag their heads in dismay, but they both thrived. They were the first members of our family to graduate from high school, and grew up to be strong, intelligent women.

It took a tough, strong woman to make a decision like my great-grandmother made in 1916. She didn't "stick with the marriage for the sake of the kids," because she knew that doing so would likely cause her children far more harm than good -- and the future proved her correct. Her ex-husband went on to marry five more times -- along with a long period of unmarried cohabitation -- before dying as a penniless drunk in 1950.

I've heard this same story from a number of people. It was far more common than what's generally admitted to.

As far as the OP goes, I'm a feminist; I believe in choice, with the caveat that one takes responsibility for one's choices. If you choose career over kids, then please don't whinge about no kids in your 40's. Equal pay for equal work, etc etc etc.

I do believe, however, that the home is the domain of women as opposed to men- while some men can adapt and should share in the duties, basically she's boss there. I am pretty sure that it has evolutionary underpinnings and it is simply a question on how our brains function. There is a well-established statistic, which bears up well in my experience that in homes where housework is a shared duty, divorce rates are higher. The statistic implies that either (1) Men are generally incapable of doing housework to a standard that most women are happy with or (2) When domains are impinged upon or transgressed in some way, conflict ensues.

Or maybe there's some other factor I have not considered.

BTW, I do my own housework, because I'm a bachelor-type ergo I have no choice and choose not to hire a housekeeper, though that option is open to me. When I was married, sharing housework was FUBAR....and I man not an incompetent housekeeper.

 

[LizzieMaine]

If the definition of housekeeper is meticulous organization, spotless cleaning, and obsessive attention to detail, I'm a lousy, lousy housekeeper. I was a lousy housekeeper when I was married, and I'm a lousy housekeeper now. I just never could get too concerned if my sheets weren't blindingly white or if there were spots and scuffs on the kitchen floor. I defrost the refrigerator twice a year, I know it's time to clean the bathroom when the pile of books next to the toilet tips over, and I do the dishes when I run out of plates. Part of it may be a rebellion against The Boys From Marketing telling me that I *should* be a great housekeeper, and part of it may simply be that I just don't care all that much.

Maybe that's why I couldn't have children -- evolution was taking steps to clear me out of the gene pool.

 

[newsman]

My brother and his wife have a good system: separate checking accounts. .

My wife and I have a similar situation. She has her account, I have mine, and we have a joint account for major expenses. Although, most of the time I just pay for it anyway.

In many ways we live a very traditional life. She's a nurse and works part-time because of our five-year old daughter. She's our priority right now. The time my wife spends with her daughter is priceless. You have a limited time to create the foundation of how your child is going to grow. We've made harsh choices to make sure we give her the best we can and take care of ourselves and our future.

The wife works three days on and about 8 off. The three are always over a weekend so I get to be everything. And it's good to have the experience from my side.

Since she works, I cook, clean the house and do the laundry. She deserves a hot home cooked meal when she comes from work.

Anyway. Bottom line. If a parent can stay home more than the other...and you can live within your means...then the time at home with your children is worth every minute. Even without children...coming home to someone who takes care of matters at home and provides a good home-life...can't be beat.

-newsman-

 

[Shangas]

"Wifely duties" in my mind is a load of bunk. Your duties are whatever the hell you need to do to keep a family together. For an example, I look no further than two generations back, and my grandmother.

My father's family was lower-middle class/working-class back in the 1930s, 40s and 50s. My grandfather came from China to the Straits Settlements with nothing but a steamer-trunk, a set of encyclopedia, a mediocre education and a dream to escape China (which in the 1920s was a hell of a place to live if you didn't have money).

My grandmother was born in Singapore in 1914. Her sum-total formal education could be counted in years on one hand - 1921-1926. That was it.

Life was brutally hard even before they got married. And when they got married, life was about rock-bottom. It was 1943 and the middle of the Japanese Occupation. If you think my grandmother stayed home and looked after the kids while daddy went out to work...almost the opposite was true. And it remained true until the 1960s at least.

My grandfather did most of the housework such as cooking and looking after the kids, along with a wageless servant-girl who lived with the family in exchange for a roof over her head and food (the family was too poor to actually pay her a WAGE. She just looked after the kids, cooked food and was thankful for a bed).

My grandmother, by comparison, was a full-time worker. A dressmaker by profession, she ran her little shop in town probably six days a week. And keeping incredibly long hours. Up to 12 or 14 hours a day, I believe. Every day. Sitting at her Singer, treadling away, sewing together dresses and blouses and skirts. Due to one fortuitous circumstance, the rent on her shop remained the same for 30-odd years. The agreement she signed with the landlord meant that it wasn't allowed to change.

But she often worked very long hours. She wouldn't come home until 7, 8, 9pm at night. Walking the whole way in the tropical heat. She wouldn't have wasted money on a trishaw if she could help it. If she did, it was because business had been *exceptionally* good. And if it was, she might buy takeout home for dinner for the kids.

Life was incredibly hard for my grandparents. My uncle (born 1935) tells me often what it was like. In his own words: "When it rains. You worried about floods. When it didn't rain, you worried about fire" (their house was next to a store selling drums of kerosene...homes were still lit by oil-lamps back in the 1950s).

I don't know how they survived. Even now, my dad and my uncles scratch their heads when they try to figure out why they didn't all drop dead. If not for gran and her sewing-machines, the entire family would've been out on the streets.

Certainly no 'traditional wifely duties' there.

 

[LuvMyMan]

"Wifely duties" in my mind is a load of bunk. Your duties are whatever the hell you need to do to keep a family together. For an example, I look no further than two generations back, and my grandmother.

My father's family was lower-middle class/working-class back in the 1930s, 40s and 50s. My grandfather came from China to the Straits Settlements with nothing but a steamer-trunk, a set of encyclopedia, a mediocre education and a dream to escape China (which in the 1920s was a hell of a place to live if you didn't have money).

My grandmother was born in Singapore in 1914. Her sum-total formal education could be counted in years on one hand - 1921-1926. That was it.

Life was brutally hard even before they got married. And when they got married, life was about rock-bottom. It was 1943 and the middle of the Japanese Occupation. If you think my grandmother stayed home and looked after the kids while daddy went out to work...almost the opposite was true. And it remained true until the 1960s at least.

My grandfather did most of the housework such as cooking and looking after the kids, along with a wageless servant-girl who lived with the family in exchange for a roof over her head and food (the family was too poor to actually pay her a WAGE. She just looked after the kids, cooked food and was thankful for a bed).

My grandmother, by comparison, was a full-time worker. A dressmaker by profession, she ran her little shop in town probably six days a week. And keeping incredibly long hours. Up to 12 or 14 hours a day, I believe. Every day. Sitting at her Singer, treadling away, sewing together dresses and blouses and skirts. Due to one fortuitous circumstance, the rent on her shop remained the same for 30-odd years. The agreement she signed with the landlord meant that it wasn't allowed to change.

But she often worked very long hours. She wouldn't come home until 7, 8, 9pm at night. Walking the whole way in the tropical heat. She wouldn't have wasted money on a trishaw if she could help it. If she did, it was because business had been *exceptionally* good. And if it was, she might buy takeout home for dinner for the kids.

Life was incredibly hard for my grandparents. My uncle (born 1935) tells me often what it was like. In his own words: "When it rains. You worried about floods. When it didn't rain, you worried about fire" (their house was next to a store selling drums of kerosene...homes were still lit by oil-lamps back in the 1950s).

I don't know how they survived. Even now, my dad and my uncles scratch their heads when they try to figure out why they didn't all drop dead. If not for gran and her sewing-machines, the entire family would've been out on the streets.

Certainly no 'traditional wifely duties' there.

As you have stated, the ladies in your Family did all they could, by simply giving of themselves. There was no law nor rule or contract for them to do so...they just did what they did as it was the right thing to do. That was all anyone could have expected to have happen. And yes, to me, that in itself is "wifely duties" and them some. As you know the history of your family, you can know so much and I am already so very sure, many of your own talents, history, ability and ethics are from a part of what those relatives handed down to you. Little secret that you display very positive parts of "whom" you are to all of us here on the Lounge.

 

[LuvMyMan]

My wife and I have a similar situation. She has her account, I have mine, and we have a joint account for major expenses. Although, most of the time I just pay for it anyway.

In many ways we live a very traditional life. She's a nurse and works part-time because of our five-year old daughter. She's our priority right now. The time my wife spends with her daughter is priceless. You have a limited time to create the foundation of how your child is going to grow. We've made harsh choices to make sure we give her the best we can and take care of ourselves and our future.

The wife works three days on and about 8 off. The three are always over a weekend so I get to be everything. And it's good to have the experience from my side.

Since she works, I cook, clean the house and do the laundry. She deserves a hot home cooked meal when she comes from work.

Anyway. Bottom line. If a parent can stay home more than the other...and you can live within your means...then the time at home with your children is worth every minute. Even without children...coming home to someone who takes care of matters at home and provides a good home-life...can't be beat.

-newsman-

If it works for you, then that is just fantastic. Children do need all the care and input from parents. Positive care and input. I have to say you are doing the right thing in my book. I took myself away from my career to raise my Children. I think it would have been a bad choice to have not given them as much as I could.....teaching them what is of value.

 

[WifeyRobinson]

If a married couple could afford to keep the wife at home would she be "Lucy Riccardo" or a "real housewife"?
lol
Do the ladies want to be home all day darning socks and preparing supper for the husband? Or, in a more realisitic sense, are today's homemakers busy with their own interests?

I am currently a full time housewife, with two kids, the house, and the dog, the American dream as it were, and I live my life style by the life code of "fascinating womanhood". My fiancé is not a CEO or lawyer or doctor but we make it work for many reasons. First off he enjoys having the opportunity to have the house and kids cared for during the day, secondly my health does not fully afford me to work currently. I ADORE my day to day lifestyle! From the moment that apron goes on in the morning til the moment my head hits the pillow at night I am happy because I know I am fulfilling my role to the fullest and doing my part for my family. I am the "domestic goddess" as my fiancé puts it. He ALWAYS comes home to a calm house, cold drink, warm meal, and happy grateful me because he has allowed me a comfortable lifestyle where I have the luxury to stay home and provide these pleasures for him and my family so after he is done with work he needn't worry about the home, laundry, dishes ect. I love my role as homemaker, mother, and "domestic goddess" and wouldn't change it!

 

[HoosierDaddy]

WR..I salute you. What a wonderful life and wife.
HD

 

[WifeyRobinson]

WR..I salute you. What a wonderful life and wife.
HD

Well thank you kindly sir...I get a mix of reactions when I tell people what I do. Some think I'm a slave to my fiancé others think its wonderful. Some women think I'm not "living up to my potentional and I've given away my power" others think I've "reclaimed" it. Honestly I've never felt better about myself, especially when I knownwhatim doing on my "home front and "war effort" mentality mind is saving my family money

 

[VintageBee]

WifeyRobinson-
:eusa_clap

 

[newsman]

If it works for you, then that is just fantastic. Children do need all the care and input from parents. Positive care and input. I have to say you are doing the right thing in my book. I took myself away from my career to raise my Children. I think it would have been a bad choice to have not given them as much as I could.....teaching them what is of value.

Why thank you. We do think we're doing right for her. But I will also say...I am no replacement for mom. She's a wonderful parent. Our daughter thrives around her. I have a deep respect for people who put their careers aside for a while to raise their children. It's the most important thing any of us will ever do...be a parent.

Being a parent is not for wimps.