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Quips, Comebacks & Amusing Insults.

GHT

I'll Lock Up
Messages
9,795
Location
New Forest
Whilst checking old threads to make sure that this subject hasn't been previously covered I came across this:
https://www.thefedoralounge.com/threads/the-dumbest-comment-i-ever-heard.10462/page-156
It has some amusing comments, but it was posted in the hat section. Over time a few spats occurred that got quite sharp and the thread was closed.

I'm not trying to resurrect that thread, far from it, just trying to inject a little humour in this current situation. Comebacks are by far the most withering way to gain a comeuppence, they have to be delivered with a smile and a wicked sense of banter. One of my favourites is that of our second female politician, (but the first to take her seat,) an American, name of: Nancy Astor, and Winston Churchill.
Nancy: Winston, if you were my husband I would put poison in your coffee.
Churchill: Nancy, if I were your husband, I would drink it.

Movies and Hollywood have their fare share of put downs too:

According to a Hollywood legend there was a pointed verbal encounter between the movie siren Jean Harlow and the sharp-tongued English aristocrat Margot Asquith. When Harlow attended a party given by Asquith, the movie star presumptuously referred to the hostess by her first name, and she repeatedly mispronounced it as “Mar Got”, i.e., she pronounced a “t” at the end of the name. Eventually, Asquith responded with a verbal knockout:

"No, no, Jean. The ‘t’ is silent, as in Harlow."

Another one that always brings a smile is a gem from Mark Twain:
Never argue with a fool, onlookers may not be able to tell the difference.
Mark Twain also rephrased that by rewording a quip from President Lincoln.
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and to remove all doubt. Lincoln.

It’s better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than open it and remove all doubt. Twain.
Sound advice for some twitter users.
I've picked some brilliant retorts along the way, have you?
 

jdbenson

One of the Regulars
Messages
214
Location
Cincinnnati, OH
One of my favorites:

"Of your physiognomy, the best that can be said is that because it occupies a place on the front of your head, it must be a face."

The best way ever to call someone ugly.
 

Hat and Rehat

Call Me a Cab
Messages
2,444
Location
Denver
Whilst checking old threads to make sure that this subject hasn't been previously covered I came across this:
https://www.thefedoralounge.com/threads/the-dumbest-comment-i-ever-heard.10462/page-156
It has some amusing comments, but it was posted in the hat section. Over time a few spats occurred that got quite sharp and the thread was closed.

I'm not trying to resurrect that thread, far from it, just trying to inject a little humour in this current situation. Comebacks are by far the most withering way to gain a comeuppence, they have to be delivered with a smile and a wicked sense of banter. One of my favourites is that of our second female politician, (but the first to take her seat,) an American, name of: Nancy Astor, and Winston Churchill.
Nancy: Winston, if you were my husband I would put poison in your coffee.
Churchill: Nancy, if I were your husband, I would drink it.

Movies and Hollywood have their fare share of put downs too:

According to a Hollywood legend there was a pointed verbal encounter between the movie siren Jean Harlow and the sharp-tongued English aristocrat Margot Asquith. When Harlow attended a party given by Asquith, the movie star presumptuously referred to the hostess by her first name, and she repeatedly mispronounced it as “Mar Got”, i.e., she pronounced a “t” at the end of the name. Eventually, Asquith responded with a verbal knockout:

"No, no, Jean. The ‘t’ is silent, as in Harlow."

Another one that always brings a smile is a gem from Mark Twain:
Never argue with a fool, onlookers may not be able to tell the difference.
Mark Twain also rephrased that by rewording a quip from President Lincoln.
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and to remove all doubt. Lincoln.

It’s better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than open it and remove all doubt. Twain.
Sound advice for some twitter users.
I've picked some brilliant retorts along the way, have you?
Good idea for a thread. I suspect a certain national flavor will emerge. Those of us this side of the pond will probably demonstrate less subtlety.
Last night I ventured into Facebook where the present crisis finds me more often, connecting with friends and family, and raging politically against what I consider mishandling of the epidemic (I'm not going to do that here; preferring call me a cab under my name to banned).
My wife posted something having to do with masks and my brother in law chimed in:

Jim: I don't even own a mask.
Me: That's your real face?

I couldn't help myself. He threw it right down the middle of the plate.
 

AbbaDatDeHat

I'll Lock Up
Messages
8,851
Great thread potential GHT.
A quicky:
Whenever someone says something to me that ends with...smartass, as in you...or etc. I usually reply with “well it’s better than being a dumb one”.
Intonation is key.
B
 

Hat and Rehat

Call Me a Cab
Messages
2,444
Location
Denver
A favorite line of mine delivered by Goldie Hawn in an 80s movie featuring Chevy Chase as her escaped convict ex-husband and James Brolin as her District Attorney current husband.
Hawn's character, also a litigator, is in the courtroom when addressed by the bench in open court.

Judge: Counsellor, you are showing utter contempt for this court!

Hawn: But your honor, I was doing my best to conceal it.

I hope if I'm ever have an opportunity to borrow that my mouth doesn't preempt my brain.
 

GHT

I'll Lock Up
Messages
9,795
Location
New Forest
The best way ever to call someone ugly.
Churchill was renowned for his retorts but most of them he had either read or seen on film. He had a phenomenal memory.
When the firebrand politician Bessie Braddock said: “Winston, you are drunk, and what’s more you are disgustingly drunk.” He replied: "Bessie, my dear, you are ugly, and what’s more, you are disgustingly ugly. But tomorrow I shall be sober."

Churchill later admitted that he had seen the 1934 movie It’s a Gift. W. C. Fields’s character, when told he is drunk, responds, “Yeah, and you’re crazy. But I’ll be sober tomorrow and you’ll be crazy the rest of your life.” Old Winston simply paraphrased Field's withering response.
 

GHT

I'll Lock Up
Messages
9,795
Location
New Forest
The advent of artificial intelligence makes Einstein's remark even more poignant.
"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity. And I'm not sure about the former."

When asked how many people work at the Vatican, Pope John 23rd replied: "About half."
 

GHT

I'll Lock Up
Messages
9,795
Location
New Forest
Not having children is something that can still raise eyebrows. At a festival last August Tina was not so much asked as questioned, why she has no children. She replied without even drawing breath.
"We are of an age when it's possible that we could be great grandparents." She then added, "but some of us have standards, I couldn't possibly sleep with a great-grandfather." Her detractor just stood there, open mouthed.
 

Edward

Bartender
Messages
25,082
Location
London, UK
Stand up comedian Greg Davies recounts an occasion when he was out with a friend who has a quick wit. Two teenage girls caught the friend's eye and one of them sneered "what the @#$% are you lookin' at?" Quick as a flah, the friend replied "Insignificance."
 

GHT

I'll Lock Up
Messages
9,795
Location
New Forest
"Politicians, like diapers, should be changed often, and for the same reason." -- Mark Twain (or so says the interwebz)
Have you ever had a mouthful of some hot drink and something hits the giggle button? You either choke trying to swallow or, being unable to suppress the laugh, sprayed the room. Happened to me yesterday. Tina had a hospital appointment, afterwards I took her for a coffee. Sitting at our table engaging in small talk we heard a rather rude fellow giving the young waitress grief.

He became ever more arrogant, shouting and gesticulating until he finally stormed out. The waitress, her eyes welling up, came past our table, Tina caught her by the arm. "Forget him," Tina said, the waitress tried to smile.
Tina then got a huge grin from our waitress and my coffee caused me to choke, when my missus came out with: "He's so full of shit, he makes the toilet jealous!"
 

Edward

Bartender
Messages
25,082
Location
London, UK
Nice to see this thread come up again. I'm reminded of Oscar Wilde's line about flattery, which is much more of a burn when quoted in full than the truncated version o which most are aware:

"Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery that mediocrity can pay to genius."


My favourite Wilde line has long been the pronouncement that "Only dull people are brilliant at breakfast."
 

GHT

I'll Lock Up
Messages
9,795
Location
New Forest
Wilde, the champion of the put down. Shakespeare wasn't the only master of the cutting insult. Wilde had a genius for the insult too.
The Picture of Dorian Gray, chapter 3, Lord Henry describing one of his Aunt Agatha's oldest friends.
"She was a curious woman whose dresses always looked as if they had been designed in a rage and put on in a tempest."
 

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