Parents: When May Our Children Start Dating?

[John in Covina]

Well since we are basically here already.
What is the breakdown as to how people view sexual activity amongst teens?

Do we see it as a profound thing that has important consequences as to the participants mental state regarding relationships?

Is it more "as long as you're practicing safe sex it's no big deal?"

Or is it "we know you're going to be doing it like minx we give up. here's the condoms?"

 

[rue]

Well, according to this: http://www.kff.org/youthhivstds/upload/U-S-Teen-Sexual-Activity-Fact-Sheet.pdf only about half of US teens in grades 9-12 have had sex. (The fact sheet is from 2005, but I also dug through a document from the CDC that looked at a whole bunch of things for teens and it said the same through 2009). Most people I know who waited did so because of fear of pregnancy, HIV, or were religious. It's not like these people didn't have chances to do things, they chose not to.

And it's also not safe to assume if your child is not dating, that means their not having sex. You have to prepare your kids for life. When I have children, I figure that even if they choose to wait until they are married at age 25 or 35- I want them to know as much about sex as they need to know, and the appropriate time to start talking about it is pre-puberty. I don't think it is going to be easy or delightful, but it is a parental responsibility of mine. I view it less as preventing my child from having sex and more about helping them make good sexual choices.

I've seen some parents assume that once they have the sex talk all is good- and they never talk about dating. Just like I really don't want my kids to get their sex ed from the movies, I don't want them to get their dating education from the movies either.

Well, I'm talking from experience, not statistics and I grew up in California, where there seems to be no inhibition at all, but my husband grew up here in Ohio and says it was the same way [huh]

I have a very open relationship with my kids about sex. Like you said I can't get into details here, but they have asked me questions that would make most people die of shock, because that's what the kids are talking about in school. I'm talking about when they were in 2nd grade too.

Oh and I know full well that it goes on when they're not just dating. Two girls in my junior high used to invite boys over for "closet time"..... I'm sure you can imagine what that meant.

*Edited to say that my husband deals with the teen population every day as an Army recruiter and said that a good 40% already have kids of their own by the time they're sixteen.

 

[jamespowers]

*Edited to say that my husband deals with the teen population every day as an Army recruiter and said that a good 40% already have kids of their own by the time they're sixteen.

 

[rue]

Scary stuff huh?

 

[jamespowers]

Scary stuff huh?

This whole thread is scary to a guy with two small boys. :eeek:
I'll have to fix that minx stuff.:whip::whip::whip:[bad]

 

[Mr. Hallack]

Sounds like Maine. And a lot of people my age (early to mid 40's) are already grandparents!! :O

 

[jamespowers]

Sounds like Maine. And a lot of people my age (early to mid 40's) are already grandparents!! :O

 

[rue]

This whole thread is scary to a guy with two small boys. :eeek:
I'll have to fix that minx stuff.:whip::whip::whip:[bad]

This isn't the place for that James

 

[jamespowers]

This isn't the place for that James

I think that this thread probably is the place for it. It seems the children are doing everything nowadays.

 

[Mr. Hallack]

Serious about that too. I have been asked how many grandkids I have. I tell them my boys are a little young for that (6 and 7 years old) But they seem flabbergasted that I had kids so "late"

 

[rue]

I think that this thread probably is the place for it. It seems the children are doing everything nowadays.

About ten years ago, a lady that used to do my nails told me that in her kids school two teenage girls about twelve were caught getting paid 5 dollars each to do a "monica".

 

[jamespowers]

Serious about that too. I have been asked how many grandkids I have. I tell them my boys are a little young for that (6 and 7 years old) But they seem flabbergasted that I had kids so "late"

I guess I am fortunate that I don't look my age then but no one says anything to me. My sons are two and four.

 

[jamespowers]

About ten years ago, a lady that used to do my nails told me that in her kids school two teenage girls about twelve were caught getting paid 5 dollars each to do a "monica".

I guess I shouldn't be surprised as in Oakland Schools, a city over from me, there were incidences of the actual act going on during class!

 

[sheeplady]

I have a very open relationship with my kids about sex. Like you said I can't get into details here, but they have asked me questions that would make most people die of shock, because that's what the kids are talking about in school. I'm talking about when they were in 2nd grade too.

*Edited to say that my husband deals with the teen population every day as an Army recruiter and said that a good 40% already have kids of their own by the time they're sixteen.

I think that is an excellent relationship to have with your kids.

One of my classmates told me and a teacher that she was so happy that she was going to be 15 when she was having a baby, because when her baby was 15, she'd only be 30 and would have enough energy to do fun stuff with her/him. And if her baby had a baby at 15, she'd be a grandmother at 45. She actually then proceeded to tell the teacher that he must be at 35 too old to interact with his toddlers like a parent should.

But honestly, in many schools in the suburbs (at least here) the teen pregnancy rate isn't as high as it is in the rural districts or the inner city near me. It's not that I don't think that these kids aren't having sex, just that there is less pregnancies carried to term.

I would expect more kids to brag about having sex on a survey than to hide it- especially among boys. Girls might lie because of social expectations, but there isn't really a taboo against young men having sex- at least not where I went to school.

 

[Guttersnipe]

This is an interesting thread. Coming from the perspective of what many on the lounge would consider a former "teenage hell-raiser/Juvenile delinquent" I thought I'd pipe in. As a teen I was what is known as an "Eddie Haskel" (e.g. got a 4.0 my senior year of high school, was the class valedictorian, parents teachers loved me because I had them fooled) I was at the same time a very, very, VERY rebellious kid. I hung around with a crowd that smoked, drake, did drugs, was sexually active, got into fights and regularly frequented bars.

My one saving grace, however, was the level-headed common sense my parents imparted in me much, much earlier. So, though, I was technically completely out of control, within the context of being a "bad kid", because of good guidance I knew enough not to drink and drive (or ride with someone who was intoxicated), not mess around with guns, and how to avoid getting some poor loving father's daughter pregnant . . .

Speaking to Scotrace's question regarding the appropriate age to begin dating, I would say the best approach is to be pragmatic. When kids start driving it's not possible to exercise the same level of parental control over them, but you can position yourself as an ally and adviser (which is not to say facilitator).

A good example of this is, when I started driving my dad explicitly extended me a no questions asked "amnesty" in the event I should need to call him for a ride to tell the folks I was sleeping at a friends because I, or my driver, was otherwise "incapacitated." In my case this actually did not encourage bad behavior but rather had the opposite effect. It let me know that my parents actually understood the complexities of being a teen, were always there for me should I need them, and did not need to be seen as the enemy.

. . . and ultimately I turned out okay. I just found out this very day that I've been accepted to one of the most the world's most prestigious graduate programs in my area of study.

 

[kamikat]

I think that this thread probably is the place for it. It seems the children are doing everything nowadays.

Nowadays? I'm nearly 40 and the children were doing everything back then.

 

[kamikat]

Serious about that too. I have been asked how many grandkids I have. I tell them my boys are a little young for that (6 and 7 years old) But they seem flabbergasted that I had kids so "late"

It all depends on location. When I was pregnant with my first, at age 26, we were the youngest couple in childbirth class by 10 years. About half of my friends had their first babies after 35 and none of the were under 30.

 

[jamespowers]

Nowadays? I'm nearly 40 and the children were doing everything back then.

Wow! That area of the country sure was different than it was here then. Doing that during class was not exactly encouraged back then.

 

[AtomicEraTom]

It makes me sick. The things that went on and that I heard about when I was in high school. Things were going on between couples by the time I was 11 or 12. I knew all about the act by the time I was in the first grade. Raising my kids in a world that's only gotten worse scares me. I have a few friends my age that already have a kid or two. It makes me sad.

Well, I'm talking from experience, not statistics and I grew up in California, where there seems to be no inhibition at all, but my husband grew up here in Ohio and says it was the same way [huh]

I have a very open relationship with my kids about sex. Like you said I can't get into details here, but they have asked me questions that would make most people die of shock, because that's what the kids are talking about in school. I'm talking about when they were in 2nd grade too.

Oh and I know full well that it goes on when they're not just dating. Two girls in my junior high used to invite boys over for "closet time"..... I'm sure you can imagine what that meant.

*Edited to say that my husband deals with the teen population every day as an Army recruiter and said that a good 40% already have kids of their own by the time they're sixteen.

 

[David Conwill]

Guttersnipe's father sounds like my dad. An understanding ally without being a facilitator. My parents grew up in the 1960s, and they'd seen and done pretty much everything. As a consequence, somehow, they more-than-successfully raised my brother and I not to do any of that. I just hope I can be half as good as they were.

-Dave