Overdressed for a funeral

[jamespowers]

This Madeiran friend of mine, we'll call him Manny to protect the guilty, told me this story.

When his grandfather died his grandmother was crying in full force over the casket, whaling in sorrow. Her mother came up and said; "hey Mary, don't cry so much. Better him than you".

Actually it was "What are you crying for? Better him in there than you."
And she wasn't crying that much.

 

[Lincsong]

Thanks, Manny.

 

[bombchanelno.5]

As a young lady thoroughly enamored with past mourning culture and etiquette. I must say that a funeral, as agreed by most contemporary funeral directors, is hardly for the deceased. It is a way for the living to come to grips with the reality of losing a significant person in their lives. In the past people would mourn for upwards of months with great attention paid to even home decor and length,color,and complexity of garments. In Victorian times it was very en vogue to attend a funeral and if all else failed..a local cemetery.
I'd say in modern times simplicity is best. Grays,blacks,dark browns...anything that looks as utilitarian as possible.Pearl jewelry or jet if possible. Pastels should be avoided at all costs.
I find people this day and age see funerals as family get-together or a cumbersome break in the routine.
I plan to wear a well structured 3/4 sleeve black cocktail dress(an inch or so below knee) Simple black oxford heels (stilettos are NO GOOD in mud), black hose, black kid gloves, and a small pill-box hat or beret,and a fresh and vibrant corsage on my collar of traditional mourning florals.
I'm studying to become a funeral director, I find this thread to be interesting and much needed for discussion.
Thank you for starting it.

 

[Starius]

Book of Etiquette Volume I by Lillian Eichler, 1921.
Part I Chapter 7 - Funerals

Dress at Funerals - Page 98

"Those who attend the funeral should not appear in gay or brightly-colored clothes, in deference for the feelings of the sorrowing relatives. Women who wear simple, unrelieved black display an excellent taste although any subdued color is equally good. Gentlemen should wear either complete suits of black, or those of material dark enough to be suited to the solemnity of the occasion. Gray trousers with a black cutaway are permissible. A quiet hat, gloves, and necktie are worn. Vivid colors, either on a man or a woman, show a disregard for the feeling of the mourners, a lack of respect for oneself, and a distinct ignorance of the laws of good conduct. It is not a gala occasion and levity of any sort is atrociously bad form."​

 

[Jovan]

Good luck getting anyone to wear a cutaway at a funeral.

 

[Starius]

Good luck getting anyone to wear a cutaway at a funeral.

Yeah... people don't ride horses to funerals anymore. Infernal horseless mechanical carriages!

 

[Lincsong]

Book of Etiquette Volume I by Lillian Eichler, 1921.
Part I Chapter 7 - Funerals

Dress at Funerals - Page 98

"Those who attend the funeral should not appear in gay or brightly-colored clothes, in deference for the feelings of the sorrowing relatives. Women who wear simple, unrelieved black display an excellent taste although any subdued color is equally good. Gentlemen should wear either complete suits of black, or those of material dark enough to be suited to the solemnity of the occasion. Gray trousers with a black cutaway are permissible. A quiet hat, gloves, and necktie are worn. Vivid colors, either on a man or a woman, show a disregard for the feeling of the mourners, a lack of respect for oneself, and a distinct ignorance of the laws of good conduct. It is not a gala occasion and levity of any sort is atrociously bad form."​

I've always found it strange to walk into the parlor, see the body laying in the casket and about 100 people chattering away.

 

[jamespowers]

Thanks, Manny.

I didn't say I was Manny. I was just there when the story was told and, as usual, you get the relevant story confused. :eusa_doh:

 

[manton]

For me, it's always a charocal gray suit (3 piece with DB vest), white shirt, black grenadine tie, and black punch cap shoes or boots (depending on the weather). Every funeral I've ever been to had its share of ill dressed people, but I've never felt uncomfortable or like I'm upstaging anyone. Nor has anyone ever said or hinted to me that I was out of line. They may have whispered that among themselves, I don't know.

 

[Lincsong]

I didn't say I was Manny. I was just there when the story was told and, as usual, you get the relevant story confused. :eusa_doh:

Yeah, right. They believe you.

 

[jamespowers]

Yeah, right. They believe you.

 

[Jovan]

For me, it's always a charocal gray suit (3 piece with DB vest), white shirt, black grenadine tie, and black punch cap shoes or boots (depending on the weather). Every funeral I've ever been to had its share of ill dressed people, but I've never felt uncomfortable or like I'm upstaging anyone. Nor has anyone ever said or hinted to me that I was out of line. They may have whispered that among themselves, I don't know.

I've never seen you in a DB waistcoat now that you mention it... I like that you wear them, it's something you don't see enough. Get us some pictures, come fall.

 

[HadleyH]

I don't go to many funerals but if I must, I wear dark colors.

 

[Roger]

I really wish people would be presentable. Jeans, t-shirts, togs or any other casual/work clothing just is not right.

 

[Jovan]

The last funeral I went to, it was heartening to see some people at least making an effort with what they had -- many of them were quite young. A clean pressed, short sleeved shirt and dark trousers with tasteful shoes was something, even if not a suit or sportcoat.

 

[Paratrooper]

Just recently a friend passed away, and at his request no one to to "dress up" on the other hand he was an reenactor and stated that you have to show up in that, so thier was common highlanders cira 1630's and French and Indian Brits and full rennie royal court.
So I say go with what the person requests that is the best way to honnor them.

 

[Jovan]

That's not really possible all the time...

 

[Paratrooper]

well yea, but if they had a request honnor it, if not look your best.
I know that is what we would do and we are the few who would take time for this, that is just the type of people we are.

 

[Starius]

Does anyone know if there is a different dress code for visitations, prior to funerals? Is it more casual? Is more sombre dark clothing still prefered?

 

[Mid-fogey]

True Story...

Over 20 years ago I went to funeral in Lancaster California. I was in the Air Force doing my four years at the time. I didn't want to wear blues, so I wore a somber grey suit.

When I got to the funeral I was by far the most conservatively dressed. The few suits there were western cut brown suits. One of the prinicpal mourners was there in white pants and and a Hawaiian shirt. Now mind you this was 20 years ago. Point was that everyone was making excuses for me. He's from back east they would say...