Nobody Can Insult Someone Like....

[kiltie]

Zorro, the Gay Blade

That's right, Zorro, the Gay Blade - Betcha haven't even thought of this movie in a zillion years... Zorro, in a duel with Esteban, acting alcalde:

Esteban: "Is your blade as sharp as your tongue?"

Zorro: : "Is yours as dull as your wit?"

 

[sweetfrancaise]

We also can't forget the master of insults, William Shakespeare.

Beatrice: I wonder that you will still be talking, Signior Benedick: nobody marks you.
Benedick: What, my dear Lady Disdain! are you yet living?
Beatrice: Is it possible disdain should die while she hath such meet food to feed it as Signior Benedick? Courtesy itself must convert to disdain, if you come in her presence.
Benedick: Then is courtesy a turncoat. But it is certain I am loved of all ladies, only you excepted: and I would I could find in my heart that I had not a hard heart; for, truly, I love none.
Beatrice: A dear happiness to women: they would else have been troubled with a pernicious suitor. I thank God and my cold blood, I am of your humour for that: I had rather hear my dog bark at a crow than a man swear he loves me.
Benedick: God keep your ladyship still in that mind! so some gentleman or other shall 'scape a predestinate scratched face.
Beatrice: Scratching could not make it worse, an 'twere such a face as yours were.
Benedick: Well, you are a rare parrot-teacher.
Beatrice: A bird of my tongue is better than a beast of yours.
Benedick: I would my horse had the speed of your tongue, and so good a continuer.

I know, it's a play...but there is a brilliant movie version!

 

[Brinybay]

This well-known exchange between Lady Astor and Winston Churchill. I remembered hearing about this exchange, but didn't know who the woman was. When I googled it, I found some variations of the exact words (I always heard it quoted as being "tea", not coffee). None-the-less, here it is:

"Winston, if I were your wife I'd put poison in your coffee." Where upon Winston said, "Nancy, if I were your husband I'd drink it!"

http://jssgallery.org/Paintings/Lady_Astor.htm

 

[Doh!]

Curly: "Hey, I think there's something screwy going on around here."
Moe: "Every time you think, you weaken the nation."

 

[Josephine]

This well-known exchange between Lady Astor and Winston Churchill. I remembered hearing about this exchange, but didn't know who the woman was. When I googled it, I found some variations of the exact words (I always heard it quoted as being "tea", not coffee). None-the-less, here it is:

"Winston, if I were your wife I'd put poison in your coffee." Where upon Winston said, "Nancy, if I were your husband I'd drink it!"

http://jssgallery.org/Paintings/Lady_Astor.htm

I was going to post that one, but found out it likely was not said by those two.

 

[ukali1066]

" That s##t on your lip it goes...and get a haircut...you look like an asshole with dentures "

A desk Sergeant giving a piece of his mind to a hairy Officer Frank Serpico as he walks into the precinct for the 1st time

From the movie Serpico

 

[Brinybay]

I was going to post that one, but found out it likely was not said by those two.

A quick check of the Quotations website suggests you're right, I can't find it. I'll have to come up with something else.

 

[MrNewportCustom]

From the 1983 Movie: Twice Upon a Time

A couple from Fairy Godmother ("Call me FGM. I hate excess verbiage."):
To Rod Rescueman: "I'll give you the job if you get out of here."
To Mumford: "And you. You are SO out to lunch."

From Synonomess Botch, Nightmare maker extrordinaire:
"Oh him. That's Scuzzbopper. A writer. He's nothing."


Lee
_____________________

"Okay, okay. I'm scared. It's official." - Ralph the All Purpose Animal

 

[DutchIndo]

"This is the Castle of my master Luigi La Whataaa.....".

 

[SamMarlowPI]

"Leaving an idea with you is like abandoning a baby in a garbage can..."

 

[Lincsong]

Don Rickles. Mr. Warmth himself.

 

[Smithy]

This well-known exchange between Lady Astor and Winston Churchill. I remembered hearing about this exchange, but didn't know who the woman was. When I googled it, I found some variations of the exact words (I always heard it quoted as being "tea", not coffee). None-the-less, here it is:

"Winston, if I were your wife I'd put poison in your coffee." Where upon Winston said, "Nancy, if I were your husband I'd drink it!"

http://jssgallery.org/Paintings/Lady_Astor.htm

Churchill had a marvellous wit. Although not a film star in the strictest sense, these are just a few of many of Winnie's gems, the first two concern Labour leader and PM, Clement Attlee:

"A modest man, who has much to be modest about."

"A sheep in sheep’s clothing."

and then his immortal retort to Bessie Braddock:

Braddock, "Mr. Churchill, this is a disgrace. You are quite drunk."
Churchill, "And you, madame, are ugly. As for my condition, it will pass by the morning. You, however, will still be ugly."

 

[Josephine]

A quick check of the Quotations website suggests you're right, I can't find it. I'll have to come up with something else.

It's still good though.

 

[Smithy]

Screen-wise simply nobody can beat Blackadder...



"He's as thick as a whale omelette"

"The eyes are open, the mouth moves, but Mr. Brain has long since departed"

"He's the most overrated human being since Judas Iscariot won the AD 31 best disciple competition"

"...as useful as a barber's shop on the steps of the guillotine"

"I find his films as funny as getting an arrow through the neck and then discovering there's a gas bill tied to it"

"Oh, don't bother apologising. I'm sorry you're alive"

"God made man in his own image and it would be a sad look out for Christians throughout the world if God looked anything like like you"

Blackadder: "Well, it is said, Percy, that civilised man seeks out good and intelligent company, so that, through learned discourse, he may rise above the savage and closer to God."
Percy: "Yes, I've heard that."
Blackadder: "Personally, however, I like to start the day with a total dickhead to remind me I'm best."

 

[SamMarlowPI]

those are great Smithy

 

[sweetfrancaise]

I can't believe that slipped my mind! Brilliant choice, Smithy!

 

[MrNewportCustom]

I don't remember who said it first, but I use this one often: When someone I know well says, "Excuse me," I reply, "There's no excuse for you."


Lee

 

[Diamondback]

Or, for an unexpected response to insult, this exchange from The Shadow:

"You, sir, are a barbarian."--Lamont Cranston (Alec Baldwin:gag: )
(moved) "Thank you!"--Shiwan Khan (John Lone)

 

[LadyStardust]

A favorite of mine is attributed to John Barrymore, and goes something like this:

On set, John Barrymore and a lead actress got into a quarrel. After Barrymore told her, in no uncertain terms, what he thought of her, she exclaimed "Kindly remember that I am lady!". Not missing a beat, Barrymore replied, "Madam, I shall respect your secret."
lol :eusa_clap

 

[Edward]

Groucho came out with some real zingers indeed - I always loved:

"You, Sir, are a contemptible cur. Why, if I were any sort of a man you'd resent that!"

lol

Never let dear Oscar Wilde go unremarked in a thread about insults either:

"When good Americans die they go to Paris; when bad Americans die they go to America."

"Thirty-five is a very attractive age. London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years. Lady Dumbleton is an instance in point. To my own knowledge she has been thirty-five ever since she arrived at the age of forty, which was many years ago now."

"A dowdy girl, with one of those characteristic British faces, that, once seen are never remembered."

"A perfect saint amongst women, but so dreadfully dowdy that she reminded me of a badly bound hymn-book."

My personal favourite Wilde one-liner could be really cutting if deployed in a fitting context:

"Only dull people are brilliant at breakfast."



Another few gems I found on the web:

"I could eat alphabet soup and sh** better lyrics." ~Johnny Mercer, on a British musical

"I hope they notice the mistletoe tied to my coattails as I leave town." ~Abe Lemons

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." --Billy Wilder