Modern Male Identity Crisis

[Undertow]

And just to throw my hat in with Rue, Marc and Butte: also remember that relationships are some of the hardest things with which you'll ever be involved. Marriage can be even more challenging. Love = Sacrifice.

SM, also keep in mind another general rule of thumb: in today's society, guys don't really begin to mature until they hit their late 20's and maybe even early 30's; women mature in their early to mid 20's. I don't know how old you are, but I can assume you're in your early twenties. Take your time. Develop yourself, your style, your personality; develop your aura. Read up on art, politics, literature, world affairs, chivalry, food, wine, etc.

When the right time comes, and after you've already had your share of failures and heartbreaks, you may meet a swell young gal and sweep her right off her feet. She will appreciate the efforts you take now to prepare for then, and you will appreciate your efforts, too. And if you never meet the right one, c'est la vie - continue to better yourself meanwhile.

 

[sheeplady]

In my work, I interview a lot of older people (right now I am interviewing people age 65-75 roughly). Some people are lucky, and they meet their match young. Some people go through several failed relationships until they find the "one." Others "settled" and have found themselves in a relationship that was absolutely devestating.

It's very hard if you mature faster than the people around you. It can be incredibly lonely, especially when everyone around you seems coupled and happy but yet you can't relate to them.

Speaking with these people, I've realized that it is much better to be on your own than to be chained to a miserable relationship. If you settle, when the "one" comes along, you aren't free. Then you really do break someone's heart, because you either need to pass on the 'one' or divorce.

 

[ButteMT61]

@ Undertow: Excellent post. I can't tell you how much up and down there is in 20+ years of marriage and raising kids. It's work at times. Then, you have times like now where we are learning French and planning the trip this fall. You can't expect to have good without bad, and that is indeed a sacrifice - not of your freedoms, but of your ego, your needs for those of others, and prolonging things you want. I can't control the economy, my job, or the future, but I can control how I take responsibility for those that need me. I will go to my end with a clean conscience - not for being perfect - but for being there and doing the best I could for my family.
Don't give up. Life has it's moments, but also it's own timeframe.

 

[AtomicEraTom]

This is my biggest concern in life.

I think that people also need to know that there's a difference between settling and compromising for someone you love. Odds are, you'll never find someone who likes everything you like, especially if you have guy hobbies like cars, radios, and other restorations, which I know a few Loungers, such as myself enjoy. I do believe that someone is out there for everyone, that compliments that person perfectly.

In saying this, ButteMT61 has his heart in the right place ... but the fact is, she might not show up. She might never show up.

And if she doesn't, DON'T marry a 'compromise candidate'. It's better to stay single forever than to do that.

This is frustrating for us guys who matured early. Not tooting my own horn, but I feel like I'm eons ahead of my counterparts. Not saying I'm better, but they are still into going out, partying, playing video games, sitting around doing nothing in their skivvies all day. Nothing wrong with having fun and all, just seems a bit wasteful to me, when you can be doing something proactive. I have a friend who's biggest concern with marrying his current girlfriend is that she's going to school to be a doctor and she can pay his way. Someone with that attitude doesn't have the maturity required to have that kind of commitment.

And just to throw my hat in with Rue, Marc and Butte: also remember that relationships are some of the hardest things with which you'll ever be involved. Marriage can be even more challenging. Love = Sacrifice.

SM, also keep in mind another general rule of thumb: in today's society, guys don't really begin to mature until they hit their late 20's and maybe even early 30's; women mature in their early to mid 20's. I don't know how old you are, but I can assume you're in your early twenties. Take your time. Develop yourself, your style, your personality; develop your aura. Read up on art, politics, literature, world affairs, chivalry, food, wine, etc.

When the right time comes, and after you've already had your share of failures and heartbreaks, you may meet a swell young gal and sweep her right off her feet. She will appreciate the efforts you take now to prepare for then, and you will appreciate your efforts, too. And if you never meet the right one, c'est la vie - continue to better yourself meanwhile.

The lack of role models, mentioned in this article is a huge issue. Generations past had, even in stupid TV shows, father figures, family men, devoted to their wife and kids. I got very lucky. My mom and dad are still married, they wed in 1988. They're always partners, one is not better than the other. My dad is head of the household, someone has to be, but nothing is ever done in a 'what Dad says goes' fashion. Everything is discussed, and not just between Mom and Dad, but the family as a whole. What us three kids think is valued by my parents. I hope to some day have that kind of relationship with my future wife and kids (God willing)

 

[Pompidou]

...they are still into going out, partying, playing video games... you can be doing something proactive...

I think both you and your friends have the right idea - you're like night and day. Be like Tom, productive and proactive during the day, and be like Tom's friends, partying and gaming till you drop at night. That's how I try to be. I love my new found social life from two years ago, but nothing's more important to me than getting my cafe started. Making time for work and fun, and, when applicable, romance (which is usually half of each - work and fun) is the biggest challenge there is. The Yin Yang wouldn't be half as cool of a symbol if it were all one color.

 

[AtomicEraTom]

I still have fun, it's just not the same kinda fun I used to. Sitting in my Lazy Boy, drinking beer with a couple good friends is way better than going to big house parties. Part of growing up, I suppose.

I think both you and your friends have the right idea - you're like night and day. Be like Tom, productive and proactive during the day, and be like Tom's friends, partying and gaming till you drop at night. That's how I try to be. I love my new found social life from two years ago, but nothing's more important to me than getting my cafe started. Making time for work and fun, and, when applicable, romance (which is usually half of each - work and fun) is the biggest challenge there is. The Yin Yang wouldn't be half as cool of a symbol if it were all one color.

 

[rue]

I still have fun, it's just not the same kinda fun I used to. Sitting in my Lazy Boy, drinking beer with a couple good friends is way better than going to big house parties. Part of growing up, I suppose.

Or sitting on the lounge with your friends

 

[Justin B]

Dating ain't easy, but then neither is being single. I've had friends that all they ever wanted out of life was to get married and have kids. Both are doing just that. In fact nearly all of my friends are married. They all keep saying hat I'm next. I've been "next" for better than a decade. LOL.

I'm picky, Tom. You oughta be too. If you wind up with some harridan I'll pick up rue on my way up to kick your butt!

 

[rue]

Oh yeah... I'll be on that ride, for sure!

 

[AtomicEraTom]

I'm very picky. I didn't used to be, but I almost settled once. I learned my lesson.

I'm picky, Tom. You oughta be too. If you wind up with some harridan I'll pick up rue on my way up to kick your butt!

That's my favorite thing to do

Or sitting on the lounge with your friends

 

[Justin B]

Reminds me....how's the beard coming Tom?

 

[Edward]

'Many women told me the problems are much worse than I described. They explained to me how they have to lower their standards to find a man. Young women, in particular, complained that men are dragging them down and holding them back.'

The issue here is that we are talking about feminists. In the pre-feminist 'old days,' most women had to choose from what was available, either consciously or subconsciously blinding themselves to our shortcomings. if you wanted to make it in life as a woman, you 'needed' the whole wife and mother route. Since that wonderful decade of the 60s, which I have begun to despise more and more, when everyone began to become so self-aware, satisfaction with the status quo du jour began to become passe.

Meh. "feminist" is as abused a term as "real men". Naturally different folks will have different preferences, I guess, but I certainly wouldn't want to be withsomeone whosettled for the status quo for lack of any other option.[huh]

 

[Edward]

As a woman, reading that feels like a kick in the stomach (but blatant misogyny usually does.)

Alas, all too often rhat's what passes for being considered "manly" these days.

 

[John in Covina]

The great disconect from responsibility, honor and duty are a key component to the lack of male maturity. There is a sense that a certain machismo is the replacement for manliness. Some look for a sense of male identity in cultivating an exciting bad boy personna.

There are some that say things are confused because many look at modern marrige as a partnership and as such move to a sense of competition to see who can be "right" the most. That often makes men abrogate all sense of their male headship which then makes them as children in the relationship the oldest child in the family and the wife the only parent.

Men are consider complete idiots in so many TV shows and movies. It is hard to be the head of a household if the media tells you you are just a complete screw up.

 

[AtomicEraTom]

Well, it's only been four days, so not much more than a little stubble haha.

Reminds me....how's the beard coming Tom?

 

[scottyrocks]

The great disconect from responsibility, honor and duty are a key component to the lack of male maturity. There is a sense that a certain machismo is the replacement for manliness. Some look for a sense of male identity in cultivating an exciting bad boy personna.

There are some that say things are confused because many look at modern marrige as a partnership and as such move to a sense of competition to see who can be "right" the most. That often makes men abrogate all sense of their male headship which then makes them as children in the relationship the oldest child in the family and the wife the only parent.

Men are consider complete idiots in so many TV shows and movies. It is hard to be the head of a household if the media tells you you are just a complete screw up.

I have recently discovered firsthand the very thing you are speaking of. I am finally at a point where I am maturing to the point of becoming a real man. And it is due to finding someone I'm willing, eagerly willing, to bend over backwards for. Whatever machismo activities in which I have engaged in the past have fallen away. My life has become focused on what a man is supposed to do and be for his family.

The right one can be a godsend and a blessing. Some can achieve their personal best on their own. And some of us need another to help make us our best.

 

[HoosierDaddy]

The great disconect from responsibility, honor and duty are a key component to the lack of male maturity. There is a sense that a certain machismo is the replacement for manliness. Some look for a sense of male identity in cultivating an exciting bad boy personna.

There are some that say things are confused because many look at modern marrige as a partnership and as such move to a sense of competition to see who can be "right" the most. That often makes men abrogate all sense of their male headship which then makes them as children in the relationship the oldest child in the family and the wife the only parent.

Men are consider complete idiots in so many TV shows and movies. It is hard to be the head of a household if the media tells you you are just a complete screw up.

Absolutely. I agree 100%.
HD

 

[Sharpsburg]

As a lifelong feminist (not a dirty word), I am not rejoicing about men's downfall. Rather, I am sick and tired of being blamed for the fact the poor, sad white men are no longer king of the Jungle. It is not feminist's fault that so many men want desperately to marry their Mothers and can't seem to find the right "gal". Most men want to live in the apartment over grandma's garage until they either die or run out of money. Fear of committment is not feminist's fault, so get over it. We must come to a new understanding between men and women that goes a lot deeper than who will do the laundry and who bring home the bacon!

 

[Justin B]

Maybe it's just me but I could care less about feminism or whatever the current word for it is. It has nothing to do with being a man or manliness to me. Being a man: having honor, respect, work ethic, etc. is a personal thing not affected by outside forces. You chose to be what you are. I refuse to claim or grant an excuse to anyone who doesn't stand for what he knows to be right and true. I am who I am by choice. Everyone has that ability. It doesn't change. Men will always have that choice. There is no downfall. We're still here. It's just not fashionable to talk about us.

 

[Swing Motorman]

SM, also keep in mind another general rule of thumb: in today's society, guys don't really begin to mature until they hit their late 20's and maybe even early 30's; women mature in their early to mid 20's. I don't know how old you are, but I can assume you're in your early twenties. Take your time. Develop yourself, your style, your personality; develop your aura. Read up on art, politics, literature, world affairs, chivalry, food, wine, etc.

When the right time comes, and after you've already had your share of failures and heartbreaks, you may meet a swell young gal and sweep her right off her feet. She will appreciate the efforts you take now to prepare for then, and you will appreciate your efforts, too. And if you never meet the right one, c'est la vie - continue to better yourself meanwhile.

Very kind words, sir, I thank you for sharing them, and will certainly take them to heart. That's the long process of maturing, isn't it? Too easy to lose sight of in our day and age of distractions.

Funny that the conversation turned to not settling for mediocre relationships, as I was just heartily singing along with Michael Bublé on "All Of Me" during my drive home. I was thinking of how the lyrics really pertain well, or maybe "All Or Nothing At All" would pertain more here. (Wait, what was I saying about modern distractions a moment ago...?)

The right one can be a godsend and a blessing. Some can achieve their personal best on their own. And some of us need another to help make us our best.

I find I'm like you, and do best with what we jokingly refer to as a "better half." It's an amazingly appropriate phrase for folks of our personality type.

I am who I am by choice. Everyone has that ability. It doesn't change. Men will always have that choice. There is no downfall. We're still here. It's just not fashionable to talk about us.

Well said... I'm humbled to be part of this scene of so many inspired and inspiring words. Long live the Lounge, and the swell cats and kittens that hang out here!


-Steven