Helicopter Parenting Raises Dependent Children

[Mabel]

I think my niece did too -- the most important lesson being that the idea of America as a society without an established class system is an utter myth. And it's a *caste* system as much as it is a *class* system, which all the helicopter parenting in the world can't change.

Amen to this! So true.

 

[sheeplady]

ETA: to get this back on its original subject, their parents were sometimes overly involved in their kids lives, but now that I think about it, it was always the ill-adjusted ones whose parents did that sort of thing. The well-adjusted kids didn't need their parents to hover, they learned in prep school how to be overachievers without their parent's involvement.

I think there is a good question here to determine if those parents were overly involved because their kids were ill-adjusted, or if the kids were ill-adjusted because of parental involvement?

I doubt by the time they were adults you could the difference.

Just because some kids were able to rebel (which takes a lot of courage) doesn't mean that everyone has the personal traits and fortitude to be able to rebel. Just like not every child who is raised in an abusive household (physically or mentally) has the same outcomes and comes out as well adjusted. Some kids do fabulously well, some kids end up with substance abuse problems, in abusive relationships, etc.

Yes, I believe pretty much everyone in the thread probably has Amy Chua or Sandra Tsing Loh's article in their mind when commenting here. These are part of a recent, unapologetic, narrative on Asian culture parenting styles (particularly as practiced by second or third generation children of immigrants to the USA).

I've never read the original article/book that link is commenting on, but one of those excerpts from it made me incredibly sad. When the author says that she has to go home and push her kids so that they "hate her" it really bothered me. I don't see that as a cultural thing either- I've known controlling parents like that and they certainly aren't Asian. Most kids hate their parents at some point in their lives (normally as angst filled teens) and most parents push their kids to do things they don't want to based upon the fact that it is better for the child. But (based upon those pieces of the article) those kids aren't getting the love and acceptance that every kid needs. What's worse is that the mother seems to recognize this (hence her "hate me" comment) but it's beyond her power to change, kind of like an addiction. It seems like some part of her realizes her behavior is inappropriate, but she's powerless to stop it. She's not happy doing what she does, but she does it anyway.

It makes me feel bad for the kids and sorry for her.

 

[Baron Kurtz]

It's the same all over the world.

we must not forget how much better those prep schools are than the public schools. When I went to university, I and my state school peers were so far behind the private school cohort that it wasn't even funny. That whole first year was just catching up with the private school kids. After that it was pretty much even, with each person reaching their level. But in that first year so many state school kids dropped out … I'm sure an awful lot of them could have got further, but were so demoralised by the distance they were behind that private school cohort that they just gave up.

I point this out not to put down the private school system - hell, if I had the money, I would certainly send any kids of mine to an academically selective private school. I can't believe the folly of rich politicians who send their kids to state schools (often awful inner city state schools) for their own selfish political reasons.

 

[V.C. Brunswick]

A fascinating read on social climbing and a different sort of helicopter parenting can be found in the book Son of a Grifter by Kent Walker. It tells the story of Santee Kimes, who along with her son Kenny Kimes, were convicted of the 1998 murder of New York socialite Irene Silverman as part of a scheme to assume her identity and appropriate her $7.7 million Manhattan mansion. In the book, Kent Walker, Santee's son from her first marriage, describes how she controlled every aspect of Kenny's life, grooming him to be her accomplice in her various criminal activities such as arson, theft and insurance fraud -- she also served a prison term for slavery -- and to become the "Heir" of her common law husband Kenneth Kimes, Sr., a wealthy Southern California real-estate developer.

 

[Mabel]

I think there is a good question here to determine if those parents were overly involved because their kids were ill-adjusted, or if the kids were ill-adjusted because of parental involvement?

I doubt by the time they were adults you could the difference.

Just because some kids were able to rebel (which takes a lot of courage) doesn't mean that everyone has the personal traits and fortitude to be able to rebel. Just like not every child who is raised in an abusive household (physically or mentally) has the same outcomes and comes out as well adjusted. Some kids do fabulously well, some kids end up with substance abuse problems, in abusive relationships, etc.

It is a good question, and from being around those kids, I would say the latter. Parents who get overly involved do so when their kids are young. I knew one girl from Connecticut, her parents worked in the fashion industry and were very wealthy. They wanted her to be an academic, mostly for their own prestige among their friends. (She dreamed of directing Broadway musicals!) She was a very troubled girl, mostly from her parent's suffocating attentions, and as a teenager she'd been in programs for problem girls because of suicide attempts, kleptomania, and other behaviors. The only reason she even got into the school was because her parents made a huge donation. I felt so bad for her. She had no coping skills, and was obviously unhappy.

 

[MikeBravo]

I think in the stories I've heard, it's the idea that Mommy and Daddy sit there with a stop watch and time their studying, keep track of their schedule, bring them food so they don't leave their rooms and they can keep studying, etc. Really extreme in the sense that they don't trust their kids to get stuff done if they aren't supervising every minute of their time and every minute of their time *must be spent studying.* That is very unhealthy during finals- taking a nice short walk or going out to a nice dinner makes the time you spend studying a lot more effective.

Most of the stories I've heard about this sort of thing (not just finals) aren't about the parents being helpful so much as them trying to control every aspect of their child's life with no input from their child. For instance, coming to visit during finals and dropping off food is fine. Taking them out to dinner is fine. Doing their laundry for them during finals is fine. Laying out a study schedule and then being a drill sargent isn't ok at that age unless your child requests it.

A lot of my friends got care packages during finals when I was in college. I was always quite jealous because they got all these snacks and other fun stuff. So I'm not saying that parents shouldn't be supportive of their kids- they should absolutely support their children- but they shouldn't try to control every aspect of their lives. To me that's the difference between a supportive parent and a controlling parent. When a child says, "I would really like to study X in college" a supportive parent says "Why would you like to do that and how can I help?" and a helicopter parent says "Oh, no, you can't become an X or study X, you have to do Y" and then proceeds to run over the kids dreams and live vicariously through their kid.

Sadly, I think you are right. I was even thinking that as I was posting my comment.

Ideally a child is taught proper study habits from an early age and should be independent by college time, just receiving necessry support from parents at crucial times, as you outlined

 

[MikeBravo]

Another kid I knew invited my best friend and I to his home over Spring break. His Mother was very charming, and when she found out we were two working class girls who had gotten scholarships, she insisted we use the Waterford crystal at dinner, because we 'needed to practice'. She carefully instructed us on proper dining etiquette, and told us if we married rich men we'd need to know this stuff. She was a hoot.

Sounds like a great broad

 

[Widebrim]

Helicopter parenting seems to be most common among the upper middle class. It's those parents who do things like fight to get their kids into the most sought after preschool in the city, or train them from the age of three to be able to get into Harvard, that tend to be helicopter parents. They want their kids to be uber successful; they see these behaviors as an investment of their time and money, so it doesn't occur to them that they are being overprotective.
They will go in and argue with a high school teacher over a grade, because those grades have to be PERFECT if they are going to get their kid into Georgetown/Harvard/Yale and then later, get a job at a prestigious firm or corporation. Same reason they do their kids homework, or want to sit in on an admission interview.
That's where I've seen most helicopter parenting, anyway. It's parents who are overly concerned with the trappings of academic success as opposed to learning for learning's sake. They tend to be terrified of their child making a mistake and having it ruin their plans for the kid.

I've unfortunately seen this and heard about it from other teachers. Imagine the parent of a kindergartner complaining that her child got a 3 rather than a 4 on her report card. By third grade, some are already seeking letters of recommendation so that their child can go to a "good" middle school...

 

[tuppence]

Unfortunately, some parents view their children as extensions of their own fragile ego. Just have a look at Judy Garlands mother. I don't think it's a modern day phenomenon , except that the level of competition has increased.

 

[sheeplady]

Unfortunately, some parents view their children as extensions of their own fragile ego. Just have a look at Judy Garlands mother. I don't think it's a modern day phenomenon , except that the level of competition has increased.

I think somehow it's become a socially acceptable form of abuse today. We put a "nice" name on it today (helicoptering parenting) and we shake our heads and say "Isn't it a shame those parents aren't letting their kids live." Worse, we blame what happens on the kids themselves once they become "near adults." As if they can stop their abusive parents from trying to control their lives so easily.

I'm sure that this has always happened, but I don't think it was as socially acceptable. It might not have been socially unacceptable or recognized, but it wasn't socially acceptable.

The girl that Mabel described sounds like she was tortured by her parents- to the point where she tried to kill herself. But because her parents were upper middle class or upper class they somehow get a pass for what is really abusive controlling behavior. I'm pretty sure that poor woman is as damaged beyond belief.

 

[Shangas]

Once my father slacked off on my and my older brother, he began to realise that as much as you push your kids...if they're no good at something, or if their heart really isn't into it...nothing will come of it.

My dad pushed my brother to play the piano for six years. As a grown man, my brother won't LOOK at a piano and all that money on lessons was wasted.

My dad pushed me at maths for years and years and YEARS. And today, all I need maths for is to figure out if I got all my change back from the cashier when I go grocery-shopping. I didn't need to learn trigonometry for that.

My father related a story to me once, about a friend of his.

There was this boy, and his father wanted him to become a doctor.

Like.

YESTERDAY.

He never let up. He pushed his son to have the highest grades, to study nonstop, to read, to practice, to take notes, to attend all his classes, all his lectures, pass all his exams with flying colours. Everything you could possibly imagine.

Then Graduation came. The son went onto the stage, gathered up his degree for Doctor of Medicine.

So my father tells me, that very night, the son went to his father with the degree in-hand.

He hands the degree to his father, and he says: "Dad, this is for you".

And he just left it there. And went back to doing what he REALLY wanted to do (the nature of which eludes me at the moment).

The message of the story was that the father was pushing the child so much to do what HE wanted HIS son to BE...that in the end, the son just had enough. He gave his father the degree, because HE didn't want it. His FATHER was the one who wanted it. So he was the one who got it. To my knowledge, the son went on to study something else at university, and never practiced as a physician. EVER.

 

[nice hat dude!]

It's rather quite simple,parents don't want to see their children fail at no cost as they feel it reflects badly upon them as having bad parenting skills if they do?And or that their child is going to do more than they did themselves,they feel it's all to help the child but when they start to take over every aspect of the child's life is when the problems arise?We all have the free will to make decisions this doesn't mean they are all going to be good decisions but we personally made the choice,not something that was done for you,we have to let people take responsibility for there choices and actions,good or bad,it's called growing up(maturing)which ever term you like.OMO

 

[sheeplady]

It's rather quite simple,parents don't want to see their children fail at no cost as they feel it reflects badly upon them as having bad parenting skills if they do?And or that their child is going to do more than they did themselves,they feel it's all to help the child but when they start to take over every aspect of the child's life is when the problems arise?We all have the free will to make decisions this doesn't mean they are all going to be good decisions but we personally made the choice,not something that was done for you,we have to let people take responsibility for there choices and actions,good or bad,it's called growing up(maturing)which ever term you like.OMO

I think it's more serious than a fear of failure. I think that a lot of these parents see "One True Path" to success. They do strongly fear a child's failure on the One True Path, but in many cases want a child to fail if they choose to stray from the One True Path.

Growing up (and even to this day) my father was extremely controlling of me and my mother has severe abandonment issues. Combined, they make for a weird combination which was not helicopter parenting, but resulted in very high and very specific expectations for things like my career path to even tiny minute personal decisions. Failure to meet these expectations resulted in extreme threats; however, my parents were far too busy to manage my daily life once I left for college. In that way I got far more freedom than these kids get.

 

[LizzieMaine]

I've heard of parents talking about wanting to "protect the investment" they have in their kids, hence the strict regulation of their lives. If that's the cold-blooded attitude they have, they deserve all the frustration they're going to get when the kids look them in the eye one day and tell them to get stuffed. A child is a human being, not a Lamborghini.

 

[sheeplady]

I've heard of parents talking about wanting to "protect the investment" they have in their kids, hence the strict regulation of their lives. If that's the cold-blooded attitude they have, they deserve all the frustration they're going to get when the kids look them in the eye one day and tell them to get stuffed. A child is a human being, not a Lamborghini.

There's a bumper sticker that amounts to: "Be nice to your kids. They pick your nursing home."

 

[Shangas]

Yeah I've heard of that one.

When it got too dangerous for gran to live at home 'cause of her Alzheimers, dad moved her to a nursing-home in the next suburb. It was a nice place, but gran was living there nearly ten years. It was quite a stretch.

 

[nice hat dude!]

And humans to become fully functioning adults(hopefully) must have the God given right to make choices,good,bad or otherwise and learn to accept responsibility for their choices?OMO

 

[V.C. Brunswick]

Yeah I've heard of that one.

When it got too dangerous for gran to live at home 'cause of her Alzheimers, dad moved her to a nursing-home in the next suburb. It was a nice place, but gran was living there nearly ten years. It was quite a stretch.

Dealing with my Mom's illness left me with more than a lifetime's experience with nursing homes. A family friend whose mother was briefly at the same nursing home sued them and I believe that lawsuit is still ongoing.

 

[Shangas]

Dad found a good nursing-home for gran. But gran was a long, long, LONG liver. She was at the home for...I think something like 8 or 9 years. She didn't finally kick the bucket until she was 97!!

I loved gran very much. She told me a lot of things that got me interested in the Golden Era. But I only knew her in her 80s and 90s. Dad and my Uncle Lawrence and other older relations used to tell me what it was like when they were younger. How gran used to have to discipline them for misbehaving.

 

[Edward]

True upper class people don't worry about getting into good schools. They get into good schools as legacy admissions. It's the middle and upper-middle strivers and climbers who panic about such things, despite the fact that no matter how hard they strive and climb, the very fact that they have to strive and climb permanently marks them as Not Upper Class. There's a line there that no amount of money and education can ever cross.

Yes, it is a peculiarly middle-class fixation. My folks were (luckily) fairly reasonable about it, but having clawed their way up from the Working Classes, they were very keen that I better myself where possible. In common with my middle class peers in the eighties, it often felt like at least half of my free time was spent doing things "to go on [my] CV for University". From the age of about six. This all becomes even more laughable once you see it from the other side and realise how little the system cares about anything other than academic ability and ability to pay (where appropriate). And quite rightly too. Far too many kids going to piano lessons they hate or in which they are at best disinterested because somebody thinks it looks good on a CV. A lot of kids I knew had a lot of the arts ruined for them as a direct result.