Dinner Party Etiquette

[miss_elise]

I'm sure there is a thread about this, but after searching through 17 pages of search items and not finding i'd thought I'd start off...

I held a dinner party on Sunday night and had one guest (my MIL) arrive more than 1/2 an hour early. I thought this was very rude as I wasn't even dressed yet?

Any thoughts on what the proper arrival times would be?

Also any thoughts on general dinner party etiquette?

 

[Chasseur]

This not going to help any but it reminds me of a funny thing that happened in grad school. A friend of mine was having a party for 7pm Saturday night. Another friend of ours show up at 6:30pm on Friday night. My friend, the host, asks after the guest sits down, "So what can I do for you?"

The guy who came in says, "Well I'm here for the party, sorry I'm abit early."

Host: "Early? You're an entire day too early."

Guest: "Oh, I thought it was Friday..."

 

[zetwal]

There's an oldie with Jimmy Stewart where the guests arrive a day early (with far reaching consequences). I don't recall the name of the film. Very amusing.

 

[lolly_loisides]

I held a dinner party on Sunday night and had one guest (my MIL) arrive more than 1/2 an hour early. I thought this was very rude as I wasn't even dressed yet

In my experience you can never expect your relations to act with good manners!

 

[Mike in Seattle]

I'd probably just continue getting ready and at an appropriate time, answer the door, expressing shock and surprise to find that it wasn't a salesman ringing the doorbell, and pretending to be surprised that the dear old gal didn't read her invitation or misunderstood what she read, causing her to arrive so dreadfully early. Like children, parents, in-laws and other relatives, at times, need a little training.

 

[12345Michael543]

As a general thing, arriving half an hour early to a dinner party is impolite.

But this was your mother-in-law. She's family. And one could plausibly maintain that her early arrival was one of those "a family member is always welcome" things. Or for that matter, maybe she wanted to arrive a little early so she could offer her daughter a hand with last minute preparations. That's still not really proper, but it's understandable and well intentioned.

I'm tempted to say that I'd have let my wife answer the door and entertain her mother, while I dressed. I mean, it's her mother, so this one would fall to her, you know? For that matter, if it really rubs you the wrong way to have your mother-in-law show up half an hour early, go ask your wife to gently encourage her mother to show up a little later when next she attends a dinner party at your home.

But as I'm not married, my opinion may not be worth much.

As for the proper time to arrive, I believe this may vary somewhat from country to country (and perhaps even from region to region within some countries), but the way I learned it (in the northeastern United States) was that arriving about 15 or 20 minutes "late" is just about right. The idea is that the host(s) probably allow around half an hour or so to mingle, before the dinner gets underway.

A close friend or family member of the host might arrive precisely at the time on the invitation, or even as much as 5 minutes early, so he can play the part of "first guest," and spare anyone else from that role which some find awkward.

And while arriving much more than half an hour late is something to be avoided, if it's simply unavoidable, at the very least call your host and explain that you'll be late, and insist that he go ahead and needn't wait for you to get there. I mean, most people do have cell phones these days, so it's probably not difficult to make a phone call and explain that you had to stop and offer first aid to an automobile accident victim, so you'll be 45 minutes late.
--
Michael

 

[Paisley]

I have a frend who arrives about 45 minutes early for anything. As long as he doesn't mind waiting while I get dressed...[huh] I don't think there's an obligation to keep early birds entertained.

As for dinner party etiquette, all the traditions are too lengthy to repeat here. But I don't even do simple dinner parties. It's too hard to find half a dozen people who will commit to a night, show up on time, and stick around to make conversation instead of running home to watch TV.

 

[donCarlos]

I always come a few minutes early, or exactly on time.
However, the general rule is that guests shall come about 10-15 minutes later! The host always appreciates this little extra time.

 

[ShoreRoadLady]

There's an oldie with Jimmy Stewart where the guests arrive a day early (with far reaching consequences). I don't recall the name of the film. Very amusing.

I think that was You Can't Take It With You. A very fun movie.

IMHO, guests who arrive too early get to help set up. I think it's perfectly fine for guests to come anywhere from 5-20 minutes after the start time, as long as it's not a rigidly scheduled evening.

 

[patrick1987]

Arriving more than a half-hour early is rude and passive-aggressive. At the time and up to 15 or so minutes after is acceptable. I would never expect to have the dinner party wait if I were later, that's monstrous, but I'd call and say I was running late.

 

[The Shirt]

I am notoriously early for everything. I am terrified of getting lost and being rude by not being on time. However I will not approach the door until it is within 5 minutes of the proposed time. I will find someone to call and chat with (while parked on the street) or even clean out my car. It's a seriously bad habit, but planning to be fashionably late for me is simply mind boggling. I just cannot do it. My friends all know this of me and accept it as one of my quirks.

I should note though - when I throw a party I hope that everyone is a few minutes late as I am often running behind when hosting. I think I would be a bit distraught if someone showed up that early, but it would depend on my relationship with them as to whether I say anything or not.

 

[Mike in Seattle]

I'm all for arriving early or as close to "on time" as possible, but if I or we are there way, way early due to not hitting planned-on traffic snarls or the like, I'd sit in the car, talk or flip through a magazine, bring my Dayrunner up to date and things of the sort until the stated party time or I see a few others arriving.

 

[Paisley]

I checked my Emily Post book from 1940. The chapter on dinner parties is 50 pages long.

On a lighter note, in the movie Mame, Mame's nephew arrives during a cocktail party a day early (according to Mame): on the 30th, not the 31st, of September, if I remember right.

 

[Mike in Seattle]

I checked my Emily Post book from 1940. The chapter on dinner parties is 50 pages long.

On a lighter note, in the movie Mame, Mame's nephew arrives during a cocktail party a day early (according to Mame): on the 30th, not the 31st, of September, if I remember right.

It's November. They're supposed to arrive on December 1, Mame says that they're early because they've arrived on November 31, and "everyone knows, 30 days have April, June and...oh my God...I'm you're Auntie Mame!"

 

[reetpleat]

I tend to run late for everything. The idea of arriving early is mind boggling. If I had the time to arrive early, I would have done one more thing before leaving, run an errend on the way or something else. Why wast my time and inconvenience the host.

On the other hand, if you come for a dinner party at my house, expect to arrive at seven or so, be fed snacks and booze as I frantically finish everything and lay it out about an hour later. This is perfectly acceptable in the circles I move in. When finished, I treat my guests to a sit down dinner, matching fiestaware settings, a five or six course meal, including home made ice cream (avacado last time) and a grand time.

 

[Mike in Seattle]

Sounds great, Reet! I often get ribbing on everything coming together in a flurry of last-minute activity, and the use of Fiestaware. I think I'm up to place settings in 26 colors, and I'm holding off getting the new lemon grass and chocolate...and I've always skipped getting white and cinnabar. But 2 weeks ago when a couple of friends came by to BBQ, I hear "Oh my God - he even has corn-on-the-cob trays." "Actually, they're relish trays...but relish trays have pretty much disappeared over the years." "Huhn? You mean like hot dog relish?" "No - a couple celery sticks, a couple radishes, a couple carrot sticks, a couple scallions, maybe a pickle spear..."

But everyone knows stay off the linoleum (dining room & kitchen are more of a "great room" and kitchen's delineated by linoleum) unless I give them a task to do, and dear friend Faye keeps the Martinis flowing.

 

[Slim Portly]

As a general thing, arriving half an hour early to a dinner party is impolite...

Excellent post, Michael.

 

[Miss Neecerie]

alas....the fact that this was a MIL...and not just a -normal- guest....sort of changes the equation.

Fairly sure most MIL's might feel a 'I am not a -guest- but a relative' and thus feel rules they might well apply otherwise...don't count in this scenario...ie being invited to son's house...

Then again she could just do this to everyone...impossible to know.

 

[Spitfire]

I prefere to arrive 5-10 minutes later than scedule. No more!
If you arrive later than that, you have to go through the whole introduction round.

If you arrive before most of the othe other guests, you can just stand relaxed with your drink, and let them come to you..."Hello, my name is...So nice to see you...bla.bla.bla...." And then it's not your problem, if you haven't said hello to everybody, before dinner.

 

[Paisley]

alas....the fact that this was a MIL...and not just a -normal- guest....sort of changes the equation.

Fairly sure most MIL's might feel a 'I am not a -guest- but a relative' and thus feel rules they might well apply otherwise...don't count in this scenario...ie being invited to son's house...

Then again she could just do this to everyone...impossible to know.

I've known people whose MILs assumed they were welcome anytime. All those people are divorced now.

Back to the topic, if you think you might arrive very early, it's nice to bring a book or magazine and entertain yourself.