Confronting a Friend About Clothes

[Honey Bee]

Three things I never lend :
My husband
My chainsaw
My clothes
(ok clothes is more than one 'thing' but you get my drift....)

 

[Lily Powers]

Penny, can you just avoid the subject of clothing with her altogether? If she asks what you've purchased, circumvent her with a vague, "Nothing, really," and go on to something else. If she sees you wearing something new, off-handedly say you've had it for awhile (this works for me when my boyfriend asks, "is that dress/those shoes/that dress clip new?" because in all honesty, it's not. It's been hidden in our closet for at least 24 hours, so I'm comfortable with my level of truth there. )

 

[Land-O-LakesGal]

Penny, can you just avoid the subject of clothing with her altogether? If she asks what you've purchased, circumvent her with a vague, "Nothing, really," and go on to something else. If she sees you wearing something new, off-handedly say you've had it for awhile (this works for me when my boyfriend asks, "is that dress/those shoes/that dress clip new?" because in all honesty, it's not. It's been hidden in our closet for at least 24 hours, so I'm comfortable with my level of truth there. )

lol lol glad to know that I am not the only one sneaking ebay packages from the mail to my closet so things will have been around a while before they make a public appearance lol

 

[Gracie Lee]

I've been known to hide things in the trunk of my car until it's no longer "new." Usually fabric, but occasionally clothes or shoes

 

[Miss Golightly]

lol lol glad to know that I am not the only one sneaking ebay packages from the mail to my closet so things will have been around a while before they make a public appearance lol

I used to be able to get away with it but now our postman arrives much earlier so my husband goes down to get the packages (as he's up before me) - I can't say "Oh I've had this for ages" anymore!

 

[LinaSofia]

I used to be able to get away with it but now our postman arrives much earlier so my husband goes down to get the packages (as he's up before me) - I can't say "Oh I've had this for ages" anymore!

This is so funny! I do the same thing! My fiance constantly has a go at me for my ebay addiction (and rightly so I have to admit!!) and I've started intercepting the post and hiding the evidence! hehehhee. But unfortunately he uses my ebay account too, because he hasn't set up his own, and sometimes he logs on and flips out over the 12 pages or more of watched items and multiple lists that I've created to sort stuff between "must haves", "maybes" and so on
it's such a blessing that men seem to have a really bad memory when it comes to what clothes you own!!

 

[shazzabanazza]

I have a friend who loves my clothes. I have no problem lending things out, and she wants to borrow them all the time. But it's getting to be TOO much. I don't think she goes to any social events without wearing my clothes. It's even become assumed that she would take a new outfit from me every week, and I'm starting to feel used, and extremely annoyed. I don't mean to be possessive but my closet is MINE. And it's not at all like she doesn't have a lot of clothes of her own, if anything she has tons more than me, she just doesn't like them as much I guess. The problem is I don't know how to broach the subject. I'm very anti-confrontational and I don't want her to think that I'm being selfish or possessive. As I said, I'm happy to lend her things, for special occasions or whatever, but this is getting silly. I also feel like if I did manage to confront her she would start buying copies of everything I own. She's already bought her own of my favorite dress, and then even told me I wasn't allowed to wear mine for her birthday party because she was wearing hers. I have no right to tell her what to buy but this all bothers me a lot. What should I do?
I'm sorry if this doesn't fit anywhere, I just really didn't know who else to ask.

Penny, you are so right in saying your closet is YOURS. I personally dont like lending clothes.
I know you said your anti-confrontational but sometimes you just have to take the bull by the horns and let people know how your feeling. You could tell her that you no longer feel comfortable with lending clothes. She may understand how you feel...

 

[Lily Powers]

I used to be able to get away with it but now our postman arrives much earlier so my husband goes down to get the packages (as he's up before me) - I can't say "Oh I've had this for ages" anymore!

It's been my experience that postmen can be bribed... cookies work well in these parts.

 

[Catarina]

You know, sometimes (especially as women) we are lead to believe that being confrontational or even just honest and direct equals being a b***h, made to feel unreasonable or guilty for setting simple - and very reasonable - boundaries. If someone makes you doubt yourself for your very reasonable boundary or expectation, you are not the problem - they are.
Three pages of responses and not one lady here has said you were being selfish or possessive. Because you aren't. If friend feels that way she is a disrespectful and entitled trout.

Your closet, your home, your rules. It was very generous and attentive of you to have let your friend borrow your clothes this whole time. You were helping her find her own style, you allowed her to use your closet, she has found said style, hurray for her, hurray for you, the end.
Not only can you put a stop to it, you don't need to have/give a reason for it. You don't have to explain to the friend, or make up excuses (that the dress is dirty, or that you are going to wear it yourself, or that it doesn't suit her, etc - no need to beat around the bush waiting for her to "guess" at your "hints"). You were doing friend a favour, and it no longer works for you. Simple as that. You say it politely and with a smile and there it is.

After you say no, two things can happen. A- friend is respectful of your wishes but clueless, and might think she has done something to offend you ("Did i ruin something? Did i do something wrong?"). In this case feel free to justify with the simple " You didn't do anything wrong, darling. Love you, helped you find your own style, lending out my closet doesn't really work for me. If you still need help maybe we can go shopping together?" If friend is indeed respectful, the issue will end here. If not...
B- friend is a trout and turns this on you with guilt inducing passive-aggressiveness, supreme pouting, general indignation and entitlement, etc. Practice these two sentences "No." and "That does not work for me". Repeat as needed. You might think you sound like an idiot repeating the same answer 5 times to a whining "but whyyyy?" "that's so seeeeelfishhhh!", but the idiot is the one who somehow doesn't understand the answer after being told 5 times.

Remember, a normal, respecting friend will be thankful that you have let her use your closet as her personal shopping mall for this long and understand that you just don't want to do it anymore.

 

[Lady Day]

You know, sometimes (especially as women) we are lead to believe that being confrontational or even just honest and direct equals being a b***h, made to feel unreasonable or guilty for setting simple - and very reasonable - boundaries.

I like you, Catarina.

I think another thing to remember is the word 'no' isn't a cuss word. I know we live in a time where such a distinct declarative does not allow wiggle room, and people don't like that, but you probably need to add no to your vernacular more often, Penny.

"Can I borrow this?"

"No."

"Aw, why."

"Because I said no."

"But why?"

"Because I said NO. That's reason enough."

And it is.
LD

 

[Tatum]

You know, sometimes (especially as women) we are lead to believe that being confrontational or even just honest and direct equals being a b***h, made to feel unreasonable or guilty for setting simple - and very reasonable - boundaries. If someone makes you doubt yourself for your very reasonable boundary or expectation, you are not the problem - they are.
Three pages of responses and not one lady here has said you were being selfish or possessive. Because you aren't. If friend feels that way she is a disrespectful and entitled trout.

Well said!:eusa_clap

 

[Penny Dreadful]

I like you, Catarina.

I think another thing to remember is the word 'no' isn't a cuss word. I know we live in a time where such a distinct declarative does not allow wiggle room, and people don't like that, but you probably need to add no to your vernacular more often, Penny.

"Can I borrow this?"

"No."

"Aw, why."

"Because I said no."

"But why?"

"Because I said NO. That's reason enough."

And it is.
LD

I completely agree. I'm a HUGE "yes woman." I know that she would be absolutely respectful of it if I said this, but I can't bring myself to do it, especially when my stuff always comes back fine. I have to learn that making people happy does not have to mean crossing my boundaries.

 

[Miss Golightly]

I like you, Catarina.

I think another thing to remember is the word 'no' isn't a cuss word. I know we live in a time where such a distinct declarative does not allow wiggle room, and people don't like that, but you probably need to add no to your vernacular more often, Penny.

"Can I borrow this?"

"No."

"Aw, why."

"Because I said no."

"But why?"

"Because I said NO. That's reason enough."

And it is.
LD

Indeed.

"No" is a complete sentence.

 

[Miss Sis]

I agree to the 'No'. When I was a child, if I asked my mother something and she said No, then that was the end of the matter. Full stop. No point in wining or moaning, because she meant what she said.

It isn't an easy situation to be in but you have to be the one to end it. Nice but firm is the clearest way forward.

 

[Drappa]

I have to say I completely agree with Catarina and it was refreshing to read. However, as someone who has been called out for being a No-sayer, it is difficult. I get told quite frequently by my husband, in-laws and Anglo friends that I am really blunt and that it takes time to get used to. They think it's a German thing, and hubby says he first found it socially odd that I wouldn't skirt around something or explain things and just reply No to a question.
I do think I alienated some people when I first went to University and when I moved to the UK later, because it doesn't seem socially acceptable, especially within female friendships, to be this blunt. Whether this is right or wrong, I have found it difficult, even though my friends now accept it as a quaint little fact about me.
And I can only imagine how difficult it can be if one has never been direct or a No-sayer to start doing it all of a sudden. This is not to say that you shouldn't tell your friend to back off your wardrobe, but there is definitelty a chance she will be confused or less than understanding the more blunt you are and you may lose her as a friend. This I think is the reason some of us suggested to make excuses instead of saying it out, even though Penny is in the right.

 

[ThePowderKeg]

Everyone here is right--there's nothing wrong with saying no. If a softer no might be easier for you, why not suggest a borrowing hiatus for a while, during which you shop together and pick out clothes that are uniquely your friend's taste? Maybe colors that look great on her but aren't really your thing, or patterns she likes that you're less crazy about on you? It sounds like in borrowing from you, she's putting off building her own wardrobe, so at this point, by lending clothes constantly, you're not really helping her develop her own resources.

 

[Tenuki]

You know, sometimes (especially as women) we are lead to believe that being confrontational or even just honest and direct equals being a b***h, made to feel unreasonable or guilty for setting simple - and very reasonable - boundaries. If someone makes you doubt yourself for your very reasonable boundary or expectation, you are not the problem - they are.
Three pages of responses and not one lady here has said you were being selfish or possessive. Because you aren't. If friend feels that way she is a disrespectful and entitled trout.

Your closet, your home, your rules. It was very generous and attentive of you to have let your friend borrow your clothes this whole time. You were helping her find her own style, you allowed her to use your closet, she has found said style, hurray for her, hurray for you, the end.

... Remember, a normal, respecting friend will be thankful that you have let her use your closet as her personal shopping mall for this long and understand that you just don't want to do it anymore.

Well said, Catarina.

You've obviously given the matter a lot of consideration, and there's no reason to politely express your wishes, with as much or as little detail as you choose. That said, you have no say over how your friend reacts to your request. She has to decide whether or not she chooses to respect your wishes.

Until the two of you discuss the issue, we can speculate as to her reaction until the cows come home. You said she is a good friend, so why not give her the benefit of the doubt and tell her what's on your mind?