Clean Jokes

[GHT]

10 points to ponder as 2020 draws to a close ...

1. The dumbest thing I ever bought was a 2020 planner.

2. 2019: Stay away from negative people. 2020: Stay away from positive people.

3. The world has turned upside down. Old folks are sneaking out of the house & their children are yelling at them to stay indoors!

4. This morning I saw a neighbour talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came to my house & told my dog..... . . we had a good laugh.

5. Every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pyjamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.

6. Does anyone know if we can take showers yet or should we just keep washing our hands?

7. I never thought the comment, “I wouldn’t touch him/her with a 6-foot barge pole” would become a national policy, but here we are!

8. I really need to practise social-distancing..... from the fridge.

9. I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to the dustbin.
..... Might even blow dry my hair.

10. Never in a million years could I have imagined I would go into a bank with a mask on and ask for money!

 

[Frunobulax]

Just wait 'til 2020 turns 21 and starts drinking.

 

[Turnip]

 

[Turnip]

Some German Sushi for lunch today.

 

[Tiki Tom]

Speaking of sushi...

How many tickles does it take before an octopus laughs?
Ten-tickles.

Sorry. Heard that from an eight year old. He really cracked himself up!

 

[Hurricane Jack]

3. The world has turned upside down. Old folks are sneaking out of the house & their children are yelling at them to stay indoors!

That used to be considered Sundowners Syndrome & a sure sign of Alzheimer's.

5. Every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pyjamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.

I do laundry once a month. Why hasn't my water bill gone down?

6. Does anyone know if we can take showers yet or should we just keep washing our hands?

I shower once a wk if in the mood. Why hasn't my water bill gone down?

10. Never in a million years could I have imagined I would go into a bank with a mask on and ask for money!

Or get Curbside Liquor Service! That's something worth tipping for.

11. TeleMed calls with you Doctor are like talking to someone on a speakerphone. You never know who is standing off just to the side looking.

12. Who knew the best selling sweatshirt of the Christmas season would say, "Kiss me, I'm vaccinated!"

 

[GHT]

See what happens when you swallow chewing gum!

 

[GHT]

Did you know that the Brit speak colloquial term for a truck is a lorry? Think about it because it's an industry that I have worked in most of my life. So when I asked Tina if there was anything special that she might like for Christmas and she answered that she would love some lorry oil, I thought that it was a result, I've got plenty of access to that. It was only after she had unwrapped the five gallon drum that I learned it was spelt L'Oréal.

 

[Bamaboots]

 

[GHT]

Farewell at last to 2020. Happy New Year Loungers. Will anyone be making a new year's resolution?

What is a New Year’s resolution? Something that goes in one year and out the other.

 

[BobHufford]

 

[Zombie_61]

Farewell at last to 2020. Happy New Year Loungers. Will anyone be making a new year's resolution?

What is a New Year’s resolution? Something that goes in one year and out the other.

Several years ago my New Year's resolution was to not make any more New Year's resolutions. So far it's worked out well.

 

[Frunobulax]

 

[Frunobulax]

If two vegetarians get into an argument, is it still called a "beef?"

 

[Frunobulax]

 

[Hurricane Jack]

If two vegetarians get into an argument, is it still called a "beef?"

Just like the veggie Whopper, it's call the Impossible Beef.

 

[GHT]

If two vegetarians get into an argument, is it still called a "beef?"

I guess you've never come across the beef tomato.

 

[Frunobulax]

I guess you've never come across the beef tomato.
View attachment 297284

We call them beefsteak tomatoes.

 

[Trenchfriend]

"As a good husband, I'm bringing my wife coffee in bed, every day!!"

"She only has to grind it."

 

[HoosierDaddy]

You seem to have difficulty with the topic.