- Messages
- 15,259
- Location
- Arlington, Virginia
Its not super clean, but clean enough.
-
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Clean Jokes
- Thread starter jamespowers
- Start date
- Status
Its not super clean, but clean enough.
andrewrivas
New in Town
- Messages
- 15
- Location
- San Jose, CA
A young boy walks in to a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.
“Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”
The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.
“Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”
The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”
- Messages
- 12,005
- Location
- Southern California
Before he died (see post #580) Bob was a train conductor. He loved being a train conductor, but he wasn't particularly good at being one. In fact, he was the worst train conductor in the history of the railroad. Eventually he had worked for, and had been fired from, every railroad company in the United States, and could not find a job. With his finances dwindling, Bob decides to rob a bank. Unfortunately, Bob is an even worse bank robber than he was a train conductor, and in the process of robbing the bank he accidentally shoots and kills the bank manager. Bob is arrested, tried, convicted, and given the death penalty. When the day comes, Bob is escorted from his cell to the execution chamber, which contains the state's only electric chair. The Warden asks Bob if he has any last requests, and Bob replies by asking the Warden how many volts they're going to use. The Warden explains, "Most states use 2,000 volts, but we use 2,500 volts to make sure we get the job done." As his last request, Bob asks for a $25 Mother's Smothers cigar. No one at the prison has ever heard of this particular brand, so Bob explains, "It's a private brand. You can only get them at a little cigar shop that's within walking distance of this prison. You go down the steps in front of the prison, around the corner, down the street, around the corner, and you'll see steps leading into the basement of the building. That's where the shop is. Ask for Saul." The warden instructs one of the guards to retrieve one of these cigars, so the guard goes down the steps, around the corner, down the street, around the corner, down the steps into the basement shop, where he asks Saul for a $25 Mother's Smothers cigar. Saul disappears through a curtain separating the shop from a back room, and a moment later returns and hands the guard a cigar. So the guard goes up the steps, around the corner, up the street, around the corner, up the steps into the prison, and into the execution chamber. He hands the cigar to Bob, lights it for him, and they all wait while Bob enjoys his last cigar. After Bob has finished the cigar, they strap him into the electric chair, place a hood over his head, throw the switch, and...nothing happens. The switch is pulled, deactivating the chair, and the Warden removes the hood to find Bob smiling at them in perfect health. They remove the straps, releasing Bob, and escort him back to his cell.
Over the next week, two things happen. First, electricians inspect every part of the electric chair and the circuit that powers it, but find nothing wrong. Second, Bob is given a battery of medical tests, all of which reveal the electric chair has caused him no injury whatsoever. Bob's execution is re-scheduled, and when the day comes he is once again escorted to the execution chamber. Again the Warden asks if he has any last requests, and again Bob asks how many volts they're going to use. The Warden informs Bob that they've doubled up and are going to use 5,000 volts, and for his last request Bob asks for a $50 Mother's Smothers cigar. So the guard from the previous week goes down the steps, around the corner, down the street, around the corner, down the steps into the basement shop, and asks Saul for a $50 Mother's Smothers cigar. Again, Saul disappears into the back room of the shop, and a moment later returns and hands the guard a cigar. The guard goes up the steps, around the corner, up the street, around the corner, up the steps into the prison, and into the execution chamber. He hands the cigar to Bob, lights it for him, and, again, they all wait for Bob to finish smoking his last cigar. After Bob finishes the cigar he is once again strapped into the electric chair, the hood is once again placed over his head, the switch is once again thrown, and...nothing happens. Again the switch is pulled deactivating the chair, again the hood is removed, and again they find Bob smiling and unharmed. They remove the straps, and Bob is again escorted back to his cell.
During the next week, electricians inspect the electric chair and the circuit that powers it not once, but twice, and again find nothing wrong. Bob is given another battery of medical tests which, again, reveal the electric chair has caused him no harm. Bob is the picture of health, which is more than can be said for the Warden. He's beside himself because of the two failed executions that remain unexplained, and is certain the Governor will lose faith in the Warden's abilities to do his job. Bob's execution is again re-scheduled, and when the day comes he is again led into the execution chamber. The Warden again asks if he has any last requests, and again Bob asks how many volts they're going to use. The Warden explains, "Well, Bob, we've already tried this twice, and failed. If we fail this third time, state law says we have to let you go. So, just to make sure, we've doubled up again and we're going to give you 10,000 volts." For his last request, Bob asks for a $100 Mother's Smothers cigar. So the guard once again goes down the steps, around the corner, down the street, around the corner, down the steps into the basement shop, and asks Saul for a $100 Mother's Smothers cigar. Again Saul disappears into the back room, and again returns moments later and hands the guard a cigar. Again the guard goes up the steps, around the corner, up the street, around the corner, up the steps into the prison, and into the execution chamber. Again he hands Bob the cigar and lights it for him, and they all wait for the last time (one way or the other) for Bob to finish his last cigar. As soon as he's finished, they once again strap him into the chair, once again drop the hood over his head, anxiously throw the switch, and...nothing happens. They deactivate the chair and remove the hood to find Bob grinning from ear to ear. They remove the straps, and escort him back to his cell where he'll wait for his release.
Once again the chair and circuit are inspected, once again Bob is given a battery of medical tests, and once again no explanation is discovered; state law demands Bob be released. Because of the unusual circumstances, the Warden decides to personally escort Bob out of the prison. While they're walking, the Warden asks, "Okay Bob, what the hell happened? We hit you with 2,500 volts, then 5,000 volts, then 10,000 volts, and you're not only still alive, but you're probably the healthiest person in the entire prison. And what's the story with those cigars? Are they the reason you're still alive?" With a slight grin, Bob replies, "No, Warden, the cigars had nothing to do with it. You tried to kill me using electricity; everyone knows I'm a bad conductor."
Over the next week, two things happen. First, electricians inspect every part of the electric chair and the circuit that powers it, but find nothing wrong. Second, Bob is given a battery of medical tests, all of which reveal the electric chair has caused him no injury whatsoever. Bob's execution is re-scheduled, and when the day comes he is once again escorted to the execution chamber. Again the Warden asks if he has any last requests, and again Bob asks how many volts they're going to use. The Warden informs Bob that they've doubled up and are going to use 5,000 volts, and for his last request Bob asks for a $50 Mother's Smothers cigar. So the guard from the previous week goes down the steps, around the corner, down the street, around the corner, down the steps into the basement shop, and asks Saul for a $50 Mother's Smothers cigar. Again, Saul disappears into the back room of the shop, and a moment later returns and hands the guard a cigar. The guard goes up the steps, around the corner, up the street, around the corner, up the steps into the prison, and into the execution chamber. He hands the cigar to Bob, lights it for him, and, again, they all wait for Bob to finish smoking his last cigar. After Bob finishes the cigar he is once again strapped into the electric chair, the hood is once again placed over his head, the switch is once again thrown, and...nothing happens. Again the switch is pulled deactivating the chair, again the hood is removed, and again they find Bob smiling and unharmed. They remove the straps, and Bob is again escorted back to his cell.
During the next week, electricians inspect the electric chair and the circuit that powers it not once, but twice, and again find nothing wrong. Bob is given another battery of medical tests which, again, reveal the electric chair has caused him no harm. Bob is the picture of health, which is more than can be said for the Warden. He's beside himself because of the two failed executions that remain unexplained, and is certain the Governor will lose faith in the Warden's abilities to do his job. Bob's execution is again re-scheduled, and when the day comes he is again led into the execution chamber. The Warden again asks if he has any last requests, and again Bob asks how many volts they're going to use. The Warden explains, "Well, Bob, we've already tried this twice, and failed. If we fail this third time, state law says we have to let you go. So, just to make sure, we've doubled up again and we're going to give you 10,000 volts." For his last request, Bob asks for a $100 Mother's Smothers cigar. So the guard once again goes down the steps, around the corner, down the street, around the corner, down the steps into the basement shop, and asks Saul for a $100 Mother's Smothers cigar. Again Saul disappears into the back room, and again returns moments later and hands the guard a cigar. Again the guard goes up the steps, around the corner, up the street, around the corner, up the steps into the prison, and into the execution chamber. Again he hands Bob the cigar and lights it for him, and they all wait for the last time (one way or the other) for Bob to finish his last cigar. As soon as he's finished, they once again strap him into the chair, once again drop the hood over his head, anxiously throw the switch, and...nothing happens. They deactivate the chair and remove the hood to find Bob grinning from ear to ear. They remove the straps, and escort him back to his cell where he'll wait for his release.
Once again the chair and circuit are inspected, once again Bob is given a battery of medical tests, and once again no explanation is discovered; state law demands Bob be released. Because of the unusual circumstances, the Warden decides to personally escort Bob out of the prison. While they're walking, the Warden asks, "Okay Bob, what the hell happened? We hit you with 2,500 volts, then 5,000 volts, then 10,000 volts, and you're not only still alive, but you're probably the healthiest person in the entire prison. And what's the story with those cigars? Are they the reason you're still alive?" With a slight grin, Bob replies, "No, Warden, the cigars had nothing to do with it. You tried to kill me using electricity; everyone knows I'm a bad conductor."
- Messages
- 54,308
Before he died (see post #580) Bob was a train conductor. He loved being a train conductor, but he wasn't particularly good at being one. In fact, he was the worst train conductor in the history of the railroad. Eventually he had worked for, and had been fired from, every railroad company in the United States, and could not find a job. With his finances dwindling, Bob decides to rob a bank. Unfortunately, Bob is an even worse bank robber than he was a train conductor, and in the process of robbing the bank he accidentally shoots and kills the bank manager. Bob is arrested, tried, convicted, and given the death penalty. When the day comes, Bob is escorted from his cell to the execution chamber, which contains the state's only electric chair. The Warden asks Bob if he has any last requests, and Bob replies by asking the Warden how many volts they're going to use. The Warden explains, "Most states use 2,000 volts, but we use 2,500 volts to make sure we get the job done." As his last request, Bob asks for a $25 Mother's Smothers cigar. No one at the prison has ever heard of this particular brand, so Bob explains, "It's a private brand. You can only get them at a little cigar shop that's within walking distance of this prison. You go down the steps in front of the prison, around the corner, down the street, around the corner, and you'll see steps leading into the basement of the building. That's where the shop is. Ask for Saul." The warden instructs one of the guards to retrieve one of these cigars, so the guard goes down the steps, around the corner, down the street, around the corner, down the steps into the basement shop, where he asks Saul for a $25 Mother's Smothers cigar. Saul disappears through a curtain separating the shop from a back room, and a moment later returns and hands the guard a cigar. So the guard goes up the steps, around the corner, up the street, around the corner, up the steps into the prison, and into the execution chamber. He hands the cigar to Bob, lights it for him, and they all wait while Bob enjoys his last cigar. After Bob has finished the cigar, they strap him into the electric chair, place a hood over his head, throw the switch, and...nothing happens. The switch is pulled, deactivating the chair, and the Warden removes the hood to find Bob smiling at them in perfect health. They remove the straps, releasing Bob, and escort him back to his cell.
Over the next week, two things happen. First, electricians inspect every part of the electric chair and the circuit that powers it, but find nothing wrong. Second, Bob is given a battery of medical tests, all of which reveal the electric chair has caused him no injury whatsoever. Bob's execution is re-scheduled, and when the day comes he is once again escorted to the execution chamber. Again the Warden asks if he has any last requests, and again Bob asks how many volts they're going to use. The Warden informs Bob that they've doubled up and are going to use 5,000 volts, and for his last request Bob asks for a $50 Mother's Smothers cigar. So the guard from the previous week goes down the steps, around the corner, down the street, around the corner, down the steps into the basement shop, and asks Saul for a $50 Mother's Smothers cigar. Again, Saul disappears into the back room of the shop, and a moment later returns and hands the guard a cigar. The guard goes up the steps, around the corner, up the street, around the corner, up the steps into the prison, and into the execution chamber. He hands the cigar to Bob, lights it for him, and, again, they all wait for Bob to finish smoking his last cigar. After Bob finishes the cigar he is once again strapped into the electric chair, the hood is once again placed over his head, the switch is once again thrown, and...nothing happens. Again the switch is pulled deactivating the chair, again the hood is removed, and again they find Bob smiling and unharmed. They remove the straps, and Bob is again escorted back to his cell.
During the next week, electricians inspect the electric chair and the circuit that powers it not once, but twice, and again find nothing wrong. Bob is given another battery of medical tests which, again, reveal the electric chair has caused him no harm. Bob is the picture of health, which is more than can be said for the Warden. He's beside himself because of the two failed executions that remain unexplained, and is certain the Governor will lose faith in the Warden's abilities to do his job. Bob's execution is again re-scheduled, and when the day comes he is again led into the execution chamber. The Warden again asks if he has any last requests, and again Bob asks how many volts they're going to use. The Warden explains, "Well, Bob, we've already tried this twice, and failed. If we fail this third time, state law says we have to let you go. So, just to make sure, we've doubled up again and we're going to give you 10,000 volts." For his last request, Bob asks for a $100 Mother's Smothers cigar. So the guard once again goes down the steps, around the corner, down the street, around the corner, down the steps into the basement shop, and asks Saul for a $100 Mother's Smothers cigar. Again Saul disappears into the back room, and again returns moments later and hands the guard a cigar. Again the guard goes up the steps, around the corner, up the street, around the corner, up the steps into the prison, and into the execution chamber. Again he hands Bob the cigar and lights it for him, and they all wait for the last time (one way or the other) for Bob to finish his last cigar. As soon as he's finished, they once again strap him into the chair, once again drop the hood over his head, anxiously throw the switch, and...nothing happens. They deactivate the chair and remove the hood to find Bob grinning from ear to ear. They remove the straps, and escort him back to his cell where he'll wait for his release.
Once again the chair and circuit are inspected, once again Bob is given a battery of medical tests, and once again no explanation is discovered; state law demands Bob be released. Because of the unusual circumstances, the Warden decides to personally escort Bob out of the prison. While they're walking, the Warden asks, "Okay Bob, what the hell happened? We hit you with 2,500 volts, then 5,000 volts, then 10,000 volts, and you're not only still alive, but you're probably the healthiest person in the entire prison. And what's the story with those cigars? Are they the reason you're still alive?" With a slight grin, Bob replies, "No, Warden, the cigars had nothing to do with it. You tried to kill me using electricity; everyone knows I'm a bad conductor."
http://youtu.be/EfFEW8GpU_Y
- Messages
- 12,005
- Location
- Southern California
- Messages
- 54,308
A young man named Chuck bought a horse from a farmer for $250. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up to Chucks house and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died."
Chuck replied, "Well, then just give me my money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
Chuck said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse."
The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"
Chuck said, "I'm going to raffle him off."
The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead horse!"
Chuck said, "Sure I can, Watch me. I just won't tell any body he's dead."
A month Later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, "What happened with that dead horse?"
Chuck said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at five dollars a piece and made a profit of $2495."
The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?"
Chuck said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his five dollars back."
Chuck replied, "Well, then just give me my money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
Chuck said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse."
The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"
Chuck said, "I'm going to raffle him off."
The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead horse!"
Chuck said, "Sure I can, Watch me. I just won't tell any body he's dead."
A month Later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, "What happened with that dead horse?"
Chuck said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at five dollars a piece and made a profit of $2495."
The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?"
Chuck said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his five dollars back."
- Messages
- 12,005
- Location
- Southern California
I was at a wedding reception recently where someone announced, "Will all of the married men please stand next to the person who has made your life worth living?" The poor bartender was nearly crushed to death.
- Messages
- 54,308
A 5 year-old girl goes to the hospital with her mother to visit her grandfather. When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her mother and bursts into her Grandpa's room.
"Grandpa, Grandpa!!" she says excitedly, "as soon as my mother comes into the room, talk like a frog!"
"Well okay dear, but why?" replied her Grandpa.
"Talk like a frog because mommy said that as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disney World!"
"Grandpa, Grandpa!!" she says excitedly, "as soon as my mother comes into the room, talk like a frog!"
"Well okay dear, but why?" replied her Grandpa.
"Talk like a frog because mommy said that as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disney World!"
- Messages
- 54,308
A guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks. "Sure do," the dog replies. "Sooo, what's your story?"
The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running."
"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals."
"Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
The owner says, "Ten dollars."
The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Cause he's a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff!!"
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks. "Sure do," the dog replies. "Sooo, what's your story?"
The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running."
"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals."
"Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
The owner says, "Ten dollars."
The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Cause he's a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff!!"
- Messages
- 54,308
A doctor and an engineer entered a chocolate store. As they were busy looking around, the doctor stole 3 chocolate bars.
As they left the store, the doctor said to engineer, "Man! I'm the best thief ever, I stole 3 chocolate bars and no one saw me. You can't beat that."
The engineer replied, "Okay, you wanna see something better? Let's go back to the store and I'll show you real stealing."
So they both went up to the counter and the engineer said to the shop boy, "Hey, would you like to see some magic?"
The shop boy replied, "Yes!"
The engineer said, "Give me one chocolate bar." The shop boy gave him one, and he ate it... He asked for the second, and he ate that one as well. He asked for the third, and finished that one too.
The shop boy asked, "Okay, what are you trying to pull here? Where's the magic?"
The engineer replied, "Check in my friend's pocket. You'll find all three bars."
As they left the store, the doctor said to engineer, "Man! I'm the best thief ever, I stole 3 chocolate bars and no one saw me. You can't beat that."
The engineer replied, "Okay, you wanna see something better? Let's go back to the store and I'll show you real stealing."
So they both went up to the counter and the engineer said to the shop boy, "Hey, would you like to see some magic?"
The shop boy replied, "Yes!"
The engineer said, "Give me one chocolate bar." The shop boy gave him one, and he ate it... He asked for the second, and he ate that one as well. He asked for the third, and finished that one too.
The shop boy asked, "Okay, what are you trying to pull here? Where's the magic?"
The engineer replied, "Check in my friend's pocket. You'll find all three bars."
- Messages
- 15,563
- Location
- East Central Indiana
- Messages
- 12,005
- Location
- Southern California
A traveling salesman is driving on a two-lane back road through the American midwest when his car breaks down. After checking under the hood and not finding an obvious cause, he checks his cell phone only to find there's no reception. He examines his surroundings and realizes the nearest building is a farmhouse nearly a mile away on the opposite side of the fenced-in field he'd parked next to. As he begins to consider his options, he hears a voice say, "It's the alternator." Surprised, he looks around but sees nothing but a horse staring at him over a low fence separating the road from adjacent farmland. To his astonishment, the horse nods towards the car and, again, says, "It's the alternator." After pondering this for a moment, the salesman asks the horse, "You can talk?" The horse replies, "Yeah, I can talk, and I'm telling you it's the alternator," then turns and walks away. The salesman takes a moment to collect himself, then climbs over the low fence and walks toward the distant farmhouse. After reaching the farmhouse, explaining his automotive dilemma to the farmer living there, and using the phone to arrange for a tow truck to haul his car to the nearest garage, the salesman accepts the farmer's offer of a tall glass of iced tea and the two men sit at the kitchen table making small talk. Finally the salesman asks, "Do you know there's a talking horse on your farm?" The farmer looks at him for a moment, then asks, "Was it a brown horse with a white stripe on it's nose and a white patch on it's left hindquarter?" "Yes," said the salesman. "What did it say?" asked the farmer. The salesman replied, "It said the alternator was the reason my car broke down." The farmer said, "Yeah, that'd be Norman. I wouldn't listen to him; he don't know nuthin' 'bout cars."
- Messages
- 4,479
- Location
- Shenandoah Valley, Virginia, USA
Only funny for certain tastes:
Heisenberg and Schrödinger get pulled over for speeding.
The cop asks Heisenberg "Do you know how fast you were going?"
Heisenberg replies, "No, but we know exactly where we are!"
The officer looks at him confused and says "you were going 108 miles per hour!"
Heisenberg throws his arms up and cries, "Great! Now we're lost!"
The officer looks over the car and asks Schrödinger if the two men have anything in the trunk.
"A cat," Schrödinger replies.
The cop opens the trunk and yells "Hey! This cat is dead."
Schrödinger angrily replies, "Well he is now."
Heisenberg and Schrödinger get pulled over for speeding.
The cop asks Heisenberg "Do you know how fast you were going?"
Heisenberg replies, "No, but we know exactly where we are!"
The officer looks at him confused and says "you were going 108 miles per hour!"
Heisenberg throws his arms up and cries, "Great! Now we're lost!"
The officer looks over the car and asks Schrödinger if the two men have anything in the trunk.
"A cat," Schrödinger replies.
The cop opens the trunk and yells "Hey! This cat is dead."
Schrödinger angrily replies, "Well he is now."
- Messages
- 54,308
Three Scots and three Irishmen are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three Irishmen each buy tickets and watch as the three Scots buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an Irishman. "Watch and you'll see," answers a Scot.
They all board the train. The Irishmen take their respective seats but all three Scots cram into a bathroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the bathroom door and says,"Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Irishmen see this and agree it was quite a clever idea.
So after the conference, the Irishmen decide to copy the Scots on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money,and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Scots don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed Irishman. Watch and you'll see," answers a Scot.
When they board the train the three Irishmen cram into a bathroom and the three Scots cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterwards, one of the Scots leaves his bathroom and walks over to the bathroom where the Irishmen are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an Irishman. "Watch and you'll see," answers a Scot.
They all board the train. The Irishmen take their respective seats but all three Scots cram into a bathroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the bathroom door and says,"Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Irishmen see this and agree it was quite a clever idea.
So after the conference, the Irishmen decide to copy the Scots on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money,and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Scots don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed Irishman. Watch and you'll see," answers a Scot.
When they board the train the three Irishmen cram into a bathroom and the three Scots cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterwards, one of the Scots leaves his bathroom and walks over to the bathroom where the Irishmen are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
- Messages
- 54,308
An American, an Indian, and a Russian end up in Hell and plead to the Devil that they don't belong here. The Devil, bored, makes them an offer: "I will strike you 3 times with my whip, and if you survive, I'll let you go. You can use anything you want as a shield".
The American goes first. He builds a high-tech shield from depleted uranium and composites, and hides behind it. The Devil strikes once - the shield cracks; twice - the shield falls apart; thrice - the American is no more.
Next goes the Indian. He puts himself in some advanced Yoga position and goes into deep hibernation. The Devil strikes once - nothing; twice - the Indian shivers a bit; thrice - the Indian grunts, but lives. The Devil is amazed and tells him he's free to go.
The Indian asks, "May I stay and watch? In all jokes the Russians somehow come out on top. I want to see how he will do it this time".
The Devil nods and turns to the Russian: "So, what will you use as a shield?"
The Russian replies, "The Indian, of course".
The American goes first. He builds a high-tech shield from depleted uranium and composites, and hides behind it. The Devil strikes once - the shield cracks; twice - the shield falls apart; thrice - the American is no more.
Next goes the Indian. He puts himself in some advanced Yoga position and goes into deep hibernation. The Devil strikes once - nothing; twice - the Indian shivers a bit; thrice - the Indian grunts, but lives. The Devil is amazed and tells him he's free to go.
The Indian asks, "May I stay and watch? In all jokes the Russians somehow come out on top. I want to see how he will do it this time".
The Devil nods and turns to the Russian: "So, what will you use as a shield?"
The Russian replies, "The Indian, of course".
Benny Holiday
My Mail is Forwarded Here
- Messages
- 3,795
- Location
- Sydney Australia
Very, very clever! lol
- Messages
- 15,563
- Location
- East Central Indiana
An old man was on his death bed, and wanted to be buried with his money. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. "Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me."
At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, "I only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 to repair the roof of the church."
"Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new X-ray machine for the pediatrics ward at the hospital which cost $20,000."
The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, I enclosed a check for the full $30,000."
At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, "I only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 to repair the roof of the church."
"Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new X-ray machine for the pediatrics ward at the hospital which cost $20,000."
The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, I enclosed a check for the full $30,000."
- Messages
- 15,563
- Location
- East Central Indiana
Thinking that the presidential candidate needed to show a more human side of himself, his committee advised him to visit an old age home. Walking into the room of an old man, with the cameras whirring, the nominee was surprised when the old man offered him some peanuts from a bowl on the table. “Thank you”, said the nominee after being offered more for the 3rd time, “why don’t you have some yourself?” “Oh, I can’t eat it” said the old man, “I don’t have any teeth.” “So why do you have them?” asked the confused nominee. “Oh, I like the chocolate around it” was the glib reply.
- Messages
- 54,308
- Messages
- 54,308
One cold Minnesota evening Ole and Sven were paging through a Sears Catalog admiring all the winsome models.
"Sven," Ole sighed, "Haf ya seen how perdy da gals is in dis catalog?"
"Ya," Sven agreed. "Dey sure is bootiful. An' yust look at da prices!"
Ole's eyes widened and he jumped up. "Yumpin' yimminy!" he yelled. "You's right! Dey ain't very expensive a' tall! At dees prices I'm gonna buy me vun!"
Sven grinned, high-five Ole and stated, "By golly Ole, you do dat! If she's as perdy as she looks in da catalog, I gonna get me vun too!"
Two weeks later Sven came by and breathlessly demanded, "Hey Ole! Didja ever git dat gal you ordered from da Sears catalog?"
"Not yet," Ole crowed, "But it von't be long now! Her clothes came yesterday!"
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