Clean Jokes

[robrinay]

A bloke sends his wife a text:

"Mary, I'm havin' one more pint, with the lads... If I'm not home in 20 mins, read this text again!"

I said to my wife "get me a newspaper" "don't be silly" she said "you can borrow my iPad"
That spider never knew what hit it".

My son said, "Dad, when was the first time you fell in love?"

I said, "I was 18. I walked into a bar and spotted the most gorgeous girl I'd ever seen. Cupid fired his arrow the second I saw her."

He said, "So what happened?"

I said, "Nothing. Unfortunately the arrow missed and hit your Mother".

 

[Benny Holiday]

What do you call a bunch of photographers who follow famous opera singers around?

The Pavarozzi.

 

[jamespowers]

What do you call a bunch of photographers who follow famous opera singers around?

The Pavarozzi.

lol lol

 

[Stearmen]

A Priest a Minster and a Rabbit walk into a barn..........wait, that's not right! :doh:

 

[jamespowers]

After trick-or-treating, 
a teen takes a shortcut home 
through the cemetery. Halfway across, he’s startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots 
an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at a headstone.
“I thought you were a ghost,” 
says the relieved teen. “What are you 
doing working so late?”
“Oh, those idiots,” grumbles the old man. “They misspelled my name!”

 

[jamespowers]

“What’s a hipster?” asked my four-year-old cousin.
“Someone who will wear something just to look different,” I said. “They’ll often buy clothes in thrift shops and wear thick glasses.”
“Is Grandma a hipster?” he asked.

 

[Benny Holiday]

Hahaha some good ones to use at the office!

 

[AdeeC]

IRISH GHOST STORY
This story happened a while ago in Dublin , and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in
the midst of a big storm.
The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.
John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.... Only to realize
there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on. The car started moving slowly. John looked at the
road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car
hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with
terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.
Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength; he jumped out of
the car and ran to it.. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.
A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying... And wasn't drunk.
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were
also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other....

Look Paddy....there's that fooking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!'

 

[Zombie_61]

A guy walks into a military surplus store and asks the clerk, "Do you have any camouflage field jackets?" The clerk replies, "Yeah, but we can't find 'em."

 

[jamespowers]

A guy walks into a military surplus store and asks the clerk, "Do you have any camouflage field jackets?" The clerk replies, "Yeah, but we can't find 'em."

lol lol

 

[LuvMyMan]

"There was a meeting scheduled for seniors that have Alzheimer's...unfortunately no one remembers where and what time it is!

 

[jamespowers]

IRISH GHOST STORY
This story happened a while ago in Dublin , and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in
the midst of a big storm.
The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.
John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.... Only to realize
there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on. The car started moving slowly. John looked at the
road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car
hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with
terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.
Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength; he jumped out of
the car and ran to it.. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.
A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying... And wasn't drunk.
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were
also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other....

Look Paddy....there's that fooking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!'

:rofl: Hilarious!

 

[jamespowers]

A man hears from a doctor that his end is near so he heads over to a lawyer to write a will. The secretary watches as the man walks into the Lawyer’s office and as three minutes later the man walks off in a huff. “Can I help you?” asks the secretary, dashing after the obviously upset man. “HELP ME? THIS GUY IS CRAZY! I asked him to help me write a will and he says to me: ‘sure, let me just ask you a few questions and then leave it all to me.’ “I’ve heard before how lawyers are dishonest but this just takes the cake!”

 

[Benny Holiday]

Loving these jokes people!

A bloke is admitted to a hospital ER after a shocking car accident. As he's moaning in agony, a doctor lifts up the sheet on the gurney to see that the car's steering column has been rammed up between the poor guy's legs right into his groin, with the steering wheel sticking up in the air. "Get some morphine here now!" the doctor calls, "this man must be in terrible pain!"
"Oh yes doc," the man groans, "it's driving me nuts!"

 

[jamespowers]

Loving these jokes people!

A bloke is admitted to a hospital ER after a shocking car accident. As he's moaning in agony, a doctor lifts up the sheet on the gurney to see that the car's steering column has been rammed up between the poor guy's legs right into his groin, with the steering wheel sticking up in the air. "Get some morphine here now!" the doctor calls, "this man must be in terrible pain!"
"Oh yes doc," the man groans, "it's driving me nuts!"

:rofl:

 

[jamespowers]

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday. "I'd like to be eight again..." she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her birthday, he woke up early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later, they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie with popcorn, a soda pop and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed, exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well dear, what was it like being eight again?"
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
"I meant my dress size, you idiot."

 

[jamespowers]

It was raining hard and a big puddle had formed in front of an Irish pub.
An old man stood beside the puddle holding a stick with a string on the end and jiggled it up and down in the water. A curious gentleman asked what he was doing.
"Fishing," replied the old man.
"Poor old fool," thought the gentleman. So he invited the old man to have a drink in the pub.
Feeling he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the gentleman asked, "And how many have you caught?"
"You're the eighth."

 

[Zombie_61]

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror...

It was raining hard and a big puddle had formed in front of an Irish pub...

ound: :eusa_clap

 

[Benny Holiday]

Genius JP! My wife's laughing as well!

 

[jamespowers]

Genius JP! My wife's laughing as well!

Yeah, I like the Pub one.