Breaking News (A Parody)

[LostInTyme]

This, just in: A shopping bag was discovered outside a downtown restaurant. Upon investigation, the bag was found to contain seven pounds of bologna. An eyewitness was heard to have said, "that's a lot of baloney." We're sending a crew to the scene. Wait for updates.

A fire, a fire,
A house is on fire.
We don’t know any details,
We have a crew on the way.
We’ll let you know when we have more information.

A man was shot,
And found in the street.
We don’t know his name,
We’re investigating.
We’ll keep you updated.

A body was found in the river.
We do not yet have an identity.
An autopsy will be performed.
More later.

This is the spot where it all happened.
Here is where police found a shell casing.
You can see the chalk outline.
We don’t have any further information.
Watch at 6 for updates.

Tonight, a candle light vigil is planned.
More at eleven.

Swat teams surrounded the house.
Police searched, but no one was found.
Police are investigating.
Action 4 will stay on top of this story.

An unmanned garbage truck rolled down this hill,
crushing this garbage can.
We’re sending our investigators to the company
To find out why this happened.
We’ll keep you informed when we find out more.

A suspicious package was found in the park.
Nearby schools were locked down.
The bomb squad determined it was a dirty diaper.
We’re sending a crew to investigate.
Pictures at six.

Police arrested a man on suspicion.
The man, described as an older gentleman, later escaped.
It is unknown how he escaped, but he did.
The man was wearing a shirt, pants, and two shoes, one of the shoelaces was untied.

If you see, or have seen anyone fitting this description, please contact your local authorities.

This just in. We have just been informed that the elderly man have changed his appearance by tying the previously untied shoe.
He may be at large, or he may be hiding out
Proceed with caution if you see him, or anyone that fits this description.
He may be dangerous, but police have no evidence that he is.

This is a Channel 4 Catastrophic Weather Team Emergency Notification.
We interrupt regular broadcasting for this immediate notification to the possibility of a severe situation that may be developing in our immediate surrounding area.
A dark cloud was reported to be seen north of the city.
We go now to our chief meteorologist, Tony Tornado on the roof top of channel 4 broadcast studios. Tony.

Hi, this is Tony Tornado, Chief Meteorologist of Channel 4 and Captain of the Channel 4 Catastrophic Weather Team. Our state-of-the-art, Doppler 29000 infrared laser radar scanner and lightening monitor has indicated the existence of a dark cloud, just north of the city. By all indications, it is moving towards the city at 39.773 miles per hour, and should be directly over the city center in approximately 1 hour, 13 minutes, 44 seconds, and 13 nanoseconds.

We will keep you updated on it’s progress. We recommend that you immediately seek shelter in the lowest level of your home, under the stairs, preferably in the north west corner of your basement. If you are caught outside when you see this cloud, hide in the back seat of your car, under a blanket.

We will continue to monitor the progress of this cloud, and if something dramatically changes, or, if our ratings need to be increased, we will interrupt regular programming, in order to keep you constantly informed.

Remember, you heard it first, live, right here on Channel 4. First in news, first in weather, whether or not it is actually weather, and first with needless updates to non-stories that we think you need to know.

The local savings and loan was robbed today at gunpoint.
One of the robbers had a note that was handed to the teller.
We do not know what the note contained, but a bank official said he had seen writing on the note, and the letters were all in red and blue ink.
Police officials offered a comment that this robbery may be connected to recent other robberies where a note, written in different colored ink was passed to bank tellers.
Bank officials were not able to adequately determine how much, if any money was actually taken. But, the amount may be substantial. A teller's
drawer was found to be empty.

The FBI has been called. When we contacted the FBI for information, we were told it may be a matter of national security, and refused further comment.
Our team has uncovered an eye witness who said the robbers were dressed like politicians. One was in a jackass suit and the other was disguised as an elephant.

If you see anyone answering this description, first take a picture on your phone, and post it on Facebook, then send it to our news channel, and we will post it on Twitter, add a hashtag, and twit it to the proper authorities. Be sure to "like" us on Facebook.

 

[HoosierDaddy]

Is this supposed to be humorous ?

 

[LostInTyme]

Most people do smile, or perhaps even laugh. It was written to show how ludicrous the media has become reporting the news. Ofttimes, they don't even have a complete story, but still go on and on with no actual facts. I am sorry if you didn't get it.

Parody - an imitation of the style of a particular writer, artist, or genre with deliberate exaggeration for comic effect.

 

[Frunobulax]

TL; DR.

 

[1961MJS]

Hi
The Country and Western station broke to weather radio any time there was any form or precipitation pretty much to include a flock of 10 birds flying over. They had lots of Storm Chasers and were known as "KFDI Terror Radio."

Here in Oklahoma City area, we have David Payne, weatherman and the subject of the tornado drinking game. I won't go into details, but the game ends when they return to regular programming, not to include a game show, or someone dies of alcohol poisoning.
Later

 

[LizzieMaine]

In the Era, metropolitan newspapers published multiple editions every day, from the "bulldog" or "pink" edition around 9pm the night before the masthead date to the Sports Final late in the afternoon, and it's fascinating to compare different editions from any given day. You'll find tons of this kind of half-formed, fragmentary news flung up on the front page and then relegated to some small hole in the back of the section as it turns out to be nothing. Any form of sales/advertiser driven media is going to be like this -- and, sad to say, it always has been.

 

[Rmccamey]

I notice the lack of depth or actual information in reporting a lot more these days. One on a Dallas station this morning, "High school welcomes students back to campus after Covid so the seniors can graduate together next month". Fine, but where is the real news in that news clip? No offense, but beyond a handful of students, teachers and parents, the general public has little interest in this "story". Three months ago it would have been interesting, but today it's just more old news. It's nothing that prompts any action. It is a positive news story but not terribly exciting. Any more, I put things like this in the category of things that are spoken to sound important but really are not.

Most people do smile, or perhaps even laugh. It was written to show how ludicrous the media has become reporting the news. Ofttimes, they don't even have a complete story, but still go on and on with no actual facts. I am sorry if you didn't get it.

Parody - an imitation of the style of a particular writer, artist, or genre with deliberate exaggeration for comic effect.

 

[Edward]

In the Era, metropolitan newspapers published multiple editions every day, from the "bulldog" or "pink" edition around 9pm the night before the masthead date to the Sports Final late in the afternoon, and it's fascinating to compare different editions from any given day. You'll find tons of this kind of half-formed, fragmentary news flung up on the front page and then relegated to some small hole in the back of the section as it turns out to be nothing. Any form of sales/advertiser driven media is going to be like this -- and, sad to say, it always has been.

Not often nowadays that I get the chance to see various editions of a paper. I do remember, though, way back when Jill Dando was murdered, seeing the changing headlines in different editions of the Evening Standard as they switched between the initial mis-report that she'd been stabbed to being shot. Just occasionally when there's a big story I would like to have the time to watch the different editions as it develops. Dying industry, though, rapidly being replaced by online news delivery. Which I wouldn't necessarily object to but for the fact that this development is also seeing less and less money and therefore quality in newspaper journalism.

 

[Harp]

Dying industry, though, rapidly being replaced by online news delivery. Which I wouldn't necessarily object to but for the fact that this development is also seeing less and less money and therefore quality in newspaper journalism.

Here in the States $$$$ does not seem to equate high caliber journalism; print, sound, or cable. Ideology is currency.

 

[Edward]

Here in the States $$$$ does not seem to equate high caliber journalism; print, sound, or cable. Ideology is currency.

Nor here, but it's certainly clear that cutting the budget does hurt any quality that may already be there.

 

[Harp]

Nor here, but it's certainly clear that cutting the budget does hurt any quality that may already be there.

I canceled my online New York Times subscription when it became clear that cost and content were imbalanced.
Still visit the freebie site for whatever scraps may be found, also, arts/books; food; travel availz...

 

[LostInTyme]

I cancelled the New Yorker for much the same reason. That, and the fact I couldn't decipher half of what they were talking about most of the time. I think many of the paid writers are paid to use dictionaries and a thesaurus to confuse us.

 

[LizzieMaine]

On the other hand, nobody with a brain worth a nickel is going to do the work necessary to real journalism "for the exposure," and anyone who thinks otherwise doesn't know any real journalists. All you're going to find at the "citizen journalist" websites is agenda-driven, "alternative fact" drivel. Which if that's all you're looking for, is fine -- but if you want someone to actually research, write, and present real, hard, accurate, responsible journalism, you won't find any of it without a meaningful paycheck going to the reporter.

A lot of good reporters I knew have given up on it entirely after seeing their papers turned into hotbeds of "blogger" garbage. And so goes a once worthy way to earn a living.

 

[Edward]

On the other hand, nobody with a brain worth a nickel is going to do the work necessary to real journalism "for the exposure," and anyone who thinks otherwise doesn't know any real journalists. All you're going to find at the "citizen journalist" websites is agenda-driven, "alternative fact" drivel. Which if that's all you're looking for, is fine -- but if you want someone to actually research, write, and present real, hard, accurate, responsible journalism, you won't find any of it without a meaningful paycheck going to the reporter.

A lot of good reporters I knew have given up on it entirely after seeing their papers turned into hotbeds of "blogger" garbage. And so goes a once worthy way to earn a living.

Exactly.

 

[Edward]

I canceled my online New York Times subscription when it became clear that cost and content were imbalanced.
Still visit the freebie site for whatever scraps may be found, also, arts/books; food; travel availz...

It's the paradox of the web. People want quality, but we've been conditioned to expect it "for free" online... the more of us who quit, the less is there to put quality in, and it does become a vicious circle. I do wonder if the power of Netflix and Prime and such to buck the trend and encourage people to pay for content online will have a halo effect, or if it's an outlier based on simply translating the subscription television model that already existed online.

 

[LostInTyme]

"This just in, a strange object was seen somewhere, more at eleven."

I object!

 

[Harp]

On the other hand, nobody with a brain worth a nickel is going to do the work necessary to real journalism "for the exposure," and anyone who thinks otherwise doesn't know any real journalists. All you're going to find at the "citizen journalist" websites is agenda-driven, "alternative fact" drivel. Which if that's all you're looking for, is fine -- but if you want someone to actually research, write, and present real, hard, accurate, responsible journalism, you won't find any of it without a meaningful paycheck going to the reporter.

A lot of good reporters I knew have given up on it entirely after seeing their papers turned into hotbeds of "blogger" garbage. And so goes a once worthy way to earn a living.

Agreed as to principle. Money talks and bullshit walks only goes so far in today's ideologic currency requirement.
Major newsprint is no less charged with responsible journalism: well researched, written, hard, accurate let-the-chips
fall, same with radio, television, cable. Just want the truth readers do not need to be told instead party-line what to think.
And the amount of garbage printed or spoken eventually nickel and dimes it all.

 

[Harp]

It's the paradox of the web. People want quality, but we've been conditioned to expect it "for free" online... the more of us who quit, the less is there to put quality in, and it does become a vicious circle. I do wonder if the power of Netflix and Prime and such to buck the trend and encourage people to pay for content online will have a halo effect, or if it's an outlier based on simply translating the subscription television model that already existed online.

As a paid subscriber to the New York Times I eventually folded my hand since the lack became more and more
the issue, and whatever remains free on the web site remains at face value; usually the arts, food, travel remain
neutral but the books section fled long ago. The get what you pay for is fine, but when the paid for lacks, losses
are cut. In the end, journalism-what there is-suffers.