The Evidence of Old Lovers - Keep or Destroy?

[scotrace]

In speaking with a now-happily-married former girlfriend from a long time ago (we've remained friends through the years), she said she was in the process of burning old diaries and asked if I still had the letters she wrote me at the time we were in a romantic relationship.

"Of course. And all the notes passed in study halls."

"You're kidding!!?? Well, get rid of them! I don't want anyone to read that private stuff, no matter how long ago."

I tend to see every part of my life as a critical part of who I am today, good or bad. I don't see any need to erase any of my past from future knowledge. There's nothing to hide or to be ashamed of. Besides, I still have and use gifts I got from high school girlfriends... I'm a little smushy that way.

But I can see my friend's point.

What's best? Erase evidence of old lovers? Or keep it all tucked away somewhere? If you knew your partner had a stash of letters or momentos of a previous relationship, would you peek? Would it upset you? Would you be unhappy if you found that one of your former dreamies had kept the notes (naughty bits and all) you sent?

And what if everyone observed the "burn it" rule? Some of the most appreciated items shared on the Fedora Lounge are the surprise discoveries of old love letters from a great-grandparent. If they had been destroyed, wouldn't we miss an fascinating piece of the puzzle of our ancestor's lives?

 

[KittyT]

I agree with you in that there's no need to be ashamed of or hide any of these past memories. While she has every right to ask of you what she has, she should not expect that you have to comply with her requests. Those items were gifts from her at the time and it is your prerogative to do with them as you please.

 

[MrFusion]

I tend to see every part of my life as a critical part of who I am today, good or bad. I don't see any need to erase any of my past from future knowledge. There's nothing to hide or to be ashamed of. Besides, I still have and use gifts I got from high school girlfriends... I'm a little smushy that way.

I'm with you. I had a bunch of stuff from High School that was destroyed and/or discarded that included letters like that. I don't think that there is anything wrong in keeping things like this. Of course I guess it would also depend greatly on your current significant other's view as well. I know my wife wouldn't care as long as I wasn't reading them all the time , and I wouldn't care if she kept letters and such either.

 

[Paisley]

If a letter could lead to much embarassment (or worse), it should be burned.

A good rule for writing letters is to avoid writing anything you'd regret seeing printed in a newspaper above your name. I think that still leaves room for writing affectionate letters.

 

[Audrey Horne]

In my teens I received letters from a boyfriend nearly daily for a few months. These letters were very special and I kept them bundled together. During this time I wrote letters daily to the boyfriend too, which he kept. I am now happily married, and when I got engaged, I decided that I no longer needed or wanted to keep the letters. I felt like they were an intimate tie to the former boyfriend and our experiences together. Because of the importance of the letters, it didn't feel right to throw them away. My solution was to send them back to the ex-boyfriend. I felt like I had a part of him, a piece of him at 17, and I knew he deserved it back. Years have past now but I assume that he still has my letters, as well as his own that I sent back to him. It's just his style to keep those sorts of things but it is not mine. I don't know for sure how my husband would feel about the matter since I never felt the need to tell him, but I'm sure he wouldn't have minded at all if I had kept the letters. I think it's a personal choice for everyone but I'm happy with my solution.

 

[Mr. Lucky]

Honestly, I WISH I had kept those... mementos of time passed. I remember that I used to have a shoe box full of notes, letters, etc. that marked the time and those who were a part of it. But, except for just a very few photos, time itself has 'burned' the evidence - multiple moves, the loss of the ancestral manse, etc.

But what I do keep, and close to my heart, are the memories. Not just the memories of the moments, and the feelings therein, but the recollections of evidence itself. For example, my last high-school girlfriend went off to France the year I went off to college. She wrote me multiple letters, of which my response was less than stellar. Finally, she wrote me a letter in all French! I can recall, to this day, running around Geneseo State College trying to find someone who could translate for me, since the only word I understood was "merde"! I kept that letter for a long, long time. And even though I don't have 'IT' any longer, I do have the memories that went with it, as well as the sentiment behind it, and all the others.

My memory is enough to carry that time on. Due to the circumstance, it has to be.

 

[Edward]

I don't keep any of that sort of stuff - while shockingly sentimental and almost OCD in my hoarding tendencies in general, when it comes to stuff that belonged to past relationships, I'm a slash and burn guy. I tend to find old notes and that sort of thing cease to have any value when the relationship does. Notes, letters, photos - the works. Always reashed it, never yet regretted it (only the relationships themselves ).

 

[JohnnyGringo]

Wow, this is a difficult one for me. I think much has to do with how the relationship ended, and whether I may want to be reminded of time spent with someone through retaining old correspondence, pictures and the like. Although I have chosen not to keep most things of this nature, I still retain, and cherish, many wonderful memories of times spent with special people from my past, one woman in particular. I still dream of her often, actually. Jayne was my High School sweetheart who went away to College and found a new "Mr. Right", unfortunately, and obviously, it wasn't me. But I still have the good memories...

 

[ohairas]

I'm a keeper... but unfortunately my ex husband made me get rid of some of my favorite old boyfriend letters years ago. And they were totally innocent, I was 13 for crying out loud. Just silly fun letters.

I still have a box full stored at my grandparent's house tho. And it wouldn't bother me if my husband now had kept anything, just proves even more that he's a romantic. He never really had girlfreinds tho, so he doesn't have any!

Having kept my ex's letters, (we dated all thru highschool), and him keeping mine really helped me make the decision to leave him. I started to reread all of his and realized how he had not changed ONE BIT. And I thought how boring they all were, and so was he. And how jealous he was, ect, ect. Cards saying how sorry he was for something he'd done, only to do it over and over.
Then I started reading my letters that I had written to him, and it was so cool because it was like a diary. I wrote almost daily, just telling him what was going on in class that day, ect.
I left them with him when I moved out tho. I felt I couldn't take them with me since I did write them TO HIM. [huh]

I have tons of girlfriend letters too. Isn't it fun to go thru and find the ones folded with the pull tabs and such, ha! Or folded stars and footballs, check yes or no... I could never throw them away. So incredibly nostalgic.
Nikki

 

[hepkitten]

I'm an archivist...I keep it all! Two boxes at the back of my closet, mostly of letters from friends over the years, and ex-boyfriends, too. I too feel it's all part of the person I am now, and while it's been years since I've looked at any of it, I wouldn't part with it. Still, I can understand the decision to do so, as Audrey did (and what an elegant, and gracious, solution!) What I don't understand is someone else insisting that such things be destroyed. It's too personal a thing for someone else to make that decision.

Now that so much communication is by email, with old-fashioned letter-writing on the decline, I wonder if the closets of younger generations will be sadly empty...and treasure troves of written words lost.

 

[ohairas]

Now that so much communication is by email, with old-fashioned letter-writing on the decline, I wonder if the closets of younger generations will be sadly empty...and treasure troves of written words lost.

Good point Hep.
I'm so bad I print things out and keep those too!
Nikki

 

[Avalon]

I'm so bad I print things out and keep those too!
Nikki

I've been known to print them out and paste them in a notebook, scrapbook-style.

I keep almost everything from past boyfriends: letters, ticket stubs, little trinkets. It's all part of me, of the person I was at that point in time. There's a big hope chest in my room filled with diaries and the like, all treasured bits of my life.

 

[dhermann1]

I have 150 years worth of old family letters and diaries cluttering up my life. I need a personal curator! They provide an amazing telescope to the past. There is a pile of letters from 1861 to my great grandmother from a "special friend" who ultimately died at age 20 of "bilious fever" (hepatitis). Letters from my mother from camp from the 1930's, etc., etc., etc. If you can stand the accumulation of STUFF, I say discreetly hold onto them. They could turn out to be the link that connects you to some great great great grandchild in the next century.

 

[Lulu-in-Ny]

I keep everything as well. I think that all people in relationships need to accept the fact they are probably not the first relationship. That being the case, I see nothing wrong with keeping items that helped make you who you are today. If you feel that they're somehow important, you should hold on to them. As long as it's not obsessive, it's acceptable.

 

[Joie DeVive]

I'm a keeper too. I personally see it as a part of my journey. Those things are part of what made me who I am and brought me where I am. I also have tons of notes and cards from friends. Luckily my hubby is also a keeper and doesn't care. He also has similar items, and I never peek, because perversely, I do end up feeling a little jealous (though I recognize that this is stupid).

To each their own, but I've never understood cutting a piece out of the fabric of your life as if it never existed. [huh]

 

[Caroline]

Sometimes, it's a good thing to destroy something, if it's causing you pain. For the partner, well, maybe you can meet halfway and destroy one or two items together...

...but to me, it all sounds like a great, romantic reason to get yourself a safe deposit box, something every FL member needs!

 

[KittyT]

If I was in a relationship with someone who told me to destroy something that had personal value to me, an action that likely stems from their own insecurity or jealousy issues, they would just have to deal. Otherwise, they know how to find the door. I have no tolerance for these sorts of control issues.

 

[FedoraGent]

When my mother passed...

When my mother passed in 1995, I was one of the children with the task of cleaning out the garage and such. In old coffee and cookie tins were the letters that my mother and father wrote to each other when they were in school together. The plot thickened as I went upstairs above the garage to find that she had saved EVERY letter that my father and her had exchanged while he was in Vietnam. She also saved the audio reel to reel tapes that he recorded for her. My father still has them, and to my knowledge hasn't done anything with them. My point? No matter what, those letters and letters to other people represent a point in time when you had a special relationship...a bond if you will to people. These often represent a fond memory, and keeping that memory beautiful in your mind is specially framed when you find those letters. It's important in my opinion to keep those things as you should always remember how you got somewhere in your life by remembering and holding to the people that you got there with.

Just my .02 cents.

FG.

 

[Hondo]

Allot of sound advice, I would just say "burn" old letters, evidence of old lovers, may want to save pictures if they are innocent. I save a few pictures, not sure why I keep them, some memories hold alot of pain, hurt.
I keep maybe I guess, because what I used to look like at a happier time.
Letters from long ago, I'd say burn them unless your keeping them to write a book. I had a friend who felt guilty to keep his porn stash, felt as get was getting older and if he died, people would remember him for his trash.
But really who cares once your dead? lol

 

[Miss Crisplock]

There is a tradition of "asking for one's letters back", at the end of a romance.

(I have a couple of boxes of cards and letters tied up in ribbon. Once in a while they are nice to go through)