Pretty sad question

[Karyl]

Hey everyone,

I thought about, if I should really ask it here and first I didn't want to, because it's very private and I'm new here. But then after talking to my friends, which are as young as me, and without finding an apposite answer and since I'm not revealing any names (except mine, that you might know), I guess it's OK to ask.

First I have to explain:
I've read many threads on this forums and you all are pretty wise and polite people. Last week a shocking message arrived me: my ex-girlfriend (19) died. Well.. she was not just my ex-girlfriend, but was still a very good friend of mine.
I can't even realize it yet, I'm pretty young and have no experience with the death of people near to me. Before she died she stated me, that she still loved me somehow and that she wasn't interested in any other guy. She had some tough times regarding her health and it wasn't easy for her (she even said that she really felt better, while we were together), so I tried to help her through it, but since she had not much time and I had stress myself (exams, my actual girlfriend etc.), I couldn't talk that often to her. Maybe once every two weeks. I don't know how I should feel about that.
After her death her father called me and thanked me for everything I did. I had absolutely no idea what to tell him, so I remained nearly silent.
I still have no idea what to tell the parents and the funeral is soon. That's what I wanted to ask. I know, everything I'm going to say should be sincere words, but could you help me out a bit?
I wrote a small speech, nothing too big or something, just a few words about her, saying that she was a great person and some personal things, but I don't know if I'm able to recite (?) it.

Thank you and sorry for my bad English,
Adrian.

 

[rmrdaddy]

Adrian,
I'm sorry to hear of the loss of your friend. Any loss is tragic, especially at a young age.
I think that heartfelt words mean the most. If you speak truthfully and with sincerity, your sentiment will be understood. It's ok to be at a bit of a loss for words, it's not a common event for people of your age bracket. Not having experience in this area is to be expected.

 

[Cody Pendant]

Condolences on your loss

Howdy and Hello Adrian,

I am sorry for your loss and your predicament. I have had to deal with the passing of close family and friends. I also lost close friends right out of high school, (many years ago) so I understand how you feel having to face it at young adult hood.
I hope that understand your questions and that I am reading between the lines properly about your dilemma.

Are you concerned about how to interact with the parents of the deceased because they are under the impression that you were still romantically involved with their daughter? Are they aware that you two had ended your romantic relationship?
If so, it shouldn't be too hard, but if they think that you were still romantically involved it might be a bit awkward. Don't mislead them by any means, but be sensitive to their situation. Speak fondly of the time you had together and of your close friendship. If you have to clarify the situation do so gently.
I would suggest that they will be looking for some comfort from their grief and would be glad to hear any happy and upbeat comments and memories that you have about their daughter and any stories that you may have that would make them proud of her.

You said you have prepared a speech so I assume you have been asked or may be asked to speak at the funeral. If you were truly her friend you should be proud to speak of her at her eulogy. Eulogy means "good words", let that be your guide.

As far as dealing with the unrequited love she has for you, you will just have to deal with it. Usually when things end one of the partners will still have romantic feelings for the other. Not much you can do about it, they were her feelings.
How does your current girlfriend feel about this and will she be going to the funeral with you. You will need to discuss this with her also.

Good luck and my condolences,
Cody

 

[Carlisle Blues]

Sorry for your loss. There is nothing truer nor more beautiful than what comes from the heart. Reflect on the kind of person she was. If she touched your soul then say so. Sometimes seeing the person through the eyes of another is very comforting for the surviving family.

 

[Foofoogal]

I am so very sorry for your loss and it is a loss for you.
For lack of better word this is so timely. This past weekend my childhood and still best friends son 23 was killed in a car accident. Devastated and sad is an understatement for my friend and her loss.
As I am much older than you I have been thru deaths but you are shocked.
I believe Carlisle stated it best. Just speak from the heart.
Know also somehow by speaking to you they are getting close to their daughter. They are in shock. Letting them talk about her is what they really want to do.
I shall never understand as long as I live why the young are sometimes here for short periods. One of the mysteries of life.

 

[Paisley]

Adrian, I'm sorry for your loss. It sounds like you wish you had spent more time with your friend; it's not unusual to feel that way and think, "Why didn't I just..."

I have a friend whose mother died last year. This friend got some creative condolences that, I'm sure, didn't come across as intended. They made so little sense to me that I can't even remember them. Probably, the best thing to do is stick to conventional phrases when speaking to your friend's parents. Your speech should make a nice letter for her parents to treasure, though.

If you have a nice story about your friend, you might tell it. Miss Manners says, "Foibles that can be told with admiration are particularly effective." (Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior, 2005, p. 799.) I still remember Cousin Jim's story from my brother's funeral: my brother once shot out his own windshield while driving and plinking signs, and swore Jim to secrecy. My brother wasn't a dope, but he could be reckless, and accidentally shooting out his own windshield just sounded like something he might do.

Send flowers and pay a condolence visit if you can.

 

[Chas]

Life, it is said, can be tough. The fact that death comes to us all, in time, underscores the point of enjoying it and living in the moment whenever you can. The best you can do is honor the memory of your ex-girlfriend, and as someone already posted, be honest and speak from your heart.

Every life is a contribution, and when you are intimate with someone and that someone passes away, it can have a really significant impact. It's important to remember that recovering from loss takes time and you need to be honest and real with yourself and your feelings.

 

[reetpleat]

Just remember, no one is going to be too picky in a time like this. speak from your heart, and share what you truly loved about her. Do not be afraid of what people will think. If you are sincere, they will appreciate it.

 

[ScionPI2005]

Adrian,
I'm sorry for your loss, and I agree that heartfelt words are the best in a time like this. No one ever knows what to say when a loved one dies.

When I was 20, my best friend from high school died of Leukemia at the age of 19. She had been diagnosed just over a year prior. Throughout the course of a year, myself, her boyfriend (another dear friend of mine) and her own mother, watched her go through a tremendous amount of suffering and struggling to survive. Even though she passed on, there were a few of us that were there for her the whole time. Even though we didn't know what could be said at the end, our commonality in knowing her and having her in our lives helped.

Be sincere and true in your words and feelings, and give yourself time to adjust and to grieve. That's truly the best advice I can give.

 

[Karyl]

Thank you all for your words. it seems like heartfelt and true words are what I should say. I know it was the right place to ask, many of you have the experience I lack.

@ScionPI2005:
It's a bit like that, but the death still came unexpected. Noone knew that she'd die.

@Cody Pendant:
You're pretty sharp. The parents know that we didn't have a romantic relationship anymore. The girl broke up with me, without a reason it seemed, but her Illness didn't allow her to go on with me. It was more of a psychological disease. Then, for a year or so, we didn't have any contact. After that I started to contact her again (I wasn't single anymore). I talked to her and she stated me some really heavy stuff concerning me and her illness. So I started to meet her again and she seemed very happy about that. We couldn't really leave her home or something, so we just sat there and talked or watched a movie.
And well.. her parents didn't ask me to write a speech. I wrote it, because I wanted to do it.
And I want to go alone. My girlfriend didn't know her very good, she never met her in person and I guess she'd feel a bit out of place.

Adrian

 

[HosManHatter]

Es tut mir wirklich leid,Adrian.Du bleibst mir ja im Herzen und in Gedanken.

You sound like good person and I`m sure she was the better for having had you as a friend and lover.

God bless.
HMH