Pairing Off -- Split from Romantic Gestures

[herringbonekid]

Do you believe that marriages are not more committed than boyfriend/girlfriend relationships are?

i think there's a formal, ceremonial attempt made at MORE commitment, yes.
but i don't believe that necessarily equals more commitment. it may, it may not.

 

[Marc Chevalier]

That's evading the quesion. You said that it would be wrong not to go with the better person. So, better to endure an unhappy marriage?

It depends on what is causing the unhappiness.


All contracts, including marriage vows, have dealbreakers. For instance, Catholic Church doctrine says that if a spouse denies sexual relations to his/her partner -- and the reasons do not include physical disability, psychological trauma, and/or physical-psychological abuse -- then the deprived partner can have the marriage annulled. Why? Because part of the marriage contract -- specifically, the promise to be sexual with each other -- has been broken.


If, however, you are unhappy in your marriage because you don't like the constraints that matrimony puts on your freedom and the responsibilities it demands of you ... well, tough luck. Work it out together, within the marriage. Don't run away from it by running off with someone else.

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[Marc Chevalier]

I think there's a formal, ceremonial attempt made at MORE commitment, yes.

It's more than formal and ceremonial. It's yearly, weekly and sometimes hourly.

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[Lauren]

It depends on what is causing the unhappiness.


All contracts, including marriage vows, have dealbreakers. For instance, Catholic Church doctrine says that if a spouse denies sexual relations to his/her partner -- and the reasons do not include physical disability, psychological trauma, and/or physical-psychological abuse -- then the deprived partner can have the marriage annulled. Why? Because part of the marriage contract -- specifically, the promise to be sexual with each other -- has been broken.


If, however, you are unhappy in your marriage because you don't like the constraints that matrimony puts on your freedom and the responsibilities it demands of you ... well, tough luck. Work it out together, within the marriage. Don't run away from it by running off with someone else.

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Well said.

 

[herringbonekid]

i guess i just don't think contracts are very romantic.

 

[Marc Chevalier]

They're not. But the stuff that goes on within the marriage itself can be very romantic. "Where there's a will, there's a way." Imagination and empathy help, as does the realization that sometimes, under some circumstances, one partner will have to carry more of the weight than the other. That's life.

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[Marc Chevalier]

What say the other Loungers?

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[Section10]

There's no doubt that many marriages are doomed to failure and in some cases it's a good thing. Unhealthy relationships should not continue. Unfortunately many people spend more effort determining which car they will buy next than they do in choosing a spouse. I think the breaking of the marriage vows often says less about the marriage than it does about the character of the person who made them. A marriage ceremony (at least in a church) is a formal vow before God and man. Not something to be discarded lightly.
I have an uncommon view as to what constitutes genuine marriage to a person. I see marriage as the actual sex act and the ceremony as a formal, public declaration of your commitment to your partner. The arguments for this are of a religious nature and probably not suitable fodder for this thread.

 

[Quigley Brown]

I live a bohemian lifestyle. A contractual marriage isn't for everyone.

 

[Marc Chevalier]

True. But I'd wager that your marriage -- traditionally contractual or not -- is more committed than the previous partnerships you've been in.

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[Quigley Brown]

True. But I'd wager that your marriage -- traditionally contractual or not -- is more committed than the previous partnerships you've been in.

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I'm not married.

 

[Marc Chevalier]

Understood.

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[Paisley]

No potential suitor can look at a married person and think that she/he is fair game in the same way that an unmarried person can be.

That's very true. For a long time, I had a huge crush on somebody who was already in a relationship. They weren't just dating, but had long since done everything but get married. A breakup wouldn't have been as simple as saying "I think we should see other people." I didn't want to get involved with anyone in that situation. I figured if he'd cheat on her, he'd cheat on me, too.

Still, I kept hoping they'd find their own deal breaker. I kept up my acquaintanceship with him. But after they announced their engagement, I stopped lying in wait.

 

[scotrace]

The Speech

My wife gave me a speech to memorize, in the unlikely event I am ever hit on.

Thank you for your interest.
At this time, however, I am happily married to the world's most perfect woman, and am unable to comply with your generous offer.
Please do not allow the coldness of the water to inhibit your impulse to go jump in a lake.

 

[Marc Chevalier]

And it's a wife's (or a husband's) perogative to give you such a speech to memorize.


A girlfriend or a boyfriend, however, doesn't have that much of a perogative.


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[Lincsong]

A couple points

1. What is this thread about? and how did it get started? Seems the first post is half way through the subject.[huh]

2. Marc has not said anything that I disagree with on this thread yet, so I won't add anything.

 

[Marc Chevalier]

This thread was originally part of the "Romantic Gestures" thread. It became a spinoff, like "Joanie Love Chachi".

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[Miss Neecerie]

except Joanie and Chachi had content

 

[Marc Chevalier]

Now, now ... that's not true. This thread does have content. It's point is (or was) this: if you like someone, and that person is in a boyfriend or girlfriend relationship, do not automatically conclude that you have no chance with her/him.



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[Lincsong]

Agreed. If there's no ring on the finger then give it a shot. All is fair in love and war.

There's this square I know, and if I see a cute chick, I'll ask' who's that? and he'll say; "oh she has a boyfriend already" Big Deal! Are they married? "No but she has a boyfriend" So I have to ask; "what does that have to do with the price of tea of tea in China?"