My noir short story is complete for anyone who wants to read it :)

[NicolettaRose]

My detective fiction noir short story in completed for anyone who wants to read it. It is located in my blog, which is on my Myspace page.

http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=48213342

 

[Dr Doran]

As soon as I get a spare few hours I'll read the rest!

 

[Baron Kurtz]

The font and red background are giving me a really sore head. That's a very bad font for web reading.

bk

 

[Miss Neecerie]

Couple comments:

Might want to spell and grammar check it again. Something about a story that starts off with

A popular NBC game show hosts body with a secretive private life has been found floating in the pool of a Toluca Lake apartment complex....the body of a popular gossip columnist is found a few yards a way in an alley and a body of the United Airlines Piolet is found a day later. Are these murders connected? and If so, who killed all these people, and why?

It should be 'host's body..... and away, not a way....and United Airlines Pilot....not Piolet.



" Here are some of his personal affects found on him at the time he was murdered." Said Mack, laying out somethings on the desk.

Its personal effects, not affects, and some things...not somethings.

You also seem to have no real grasp of the posessive, as in many places in the story you omit the apostrophe s of the possessive case.



That's true. I made call to Lulu Parkers editor and pulled some information on her.

Needs to be Lulu Parker's editor.


There are any number of other small errors such as...




"Randall Johnson was a very private individual, on camera he as full of life, but there were pieces of is life which remain hidden."


Unless you are trying to make the speaker sound Cockney English....eliminating the H and the W from this sentence, is incorrect....and the tense doesn't agree.

It needs to read

"Randall Johnson was a very private individual, on camera he WAS full of life, but there were pieces of HIS life which remainED hidden'


Am I being harsh?...perhaps, but errors like this render the story incredibly unreadable and make it sound like a 10th grade assigment.

 

[KittyT]

Couple comments:

Might want to spell and grammar check it again. Something about a story that starts off with

A popular NBC game show hosts body with a secretive private life has been found floating in the pool of a Toluca Lake apartment complex....the body of a popular gossip columnist is found a few yards a way in an alley and a body of the United Airlines Piolet is found a day later. Are these murders connected? and If so, who killed all these people, and why?

Also, this first sentence would sound much better as:

"The body of a popular NBC game show host with a secretive private life...."

 

[Paisley]

I don't normally correct people's grammar when I am not at work (proofreading is part of my job), but I agree with Miss N. that the grammatical errors make it hard to read. One thing you might consider is taking it to a professional editor for proofreading. For the vast majority of people, it's very hard to see what is actually on the page instead of what was intended.

 

[Midnight Palace]

I found the story to be quite interesting but must agree about the grammar and punctuation. I'm somewhat of a stickler about that. I usually scrutinize my own writing to a fault. Sometimes I have to let it go or I'll nitpick it to death. But in the case of your story, it does detract from the intended focal point. I found myself noticing the grammar and incorrect use of words more than enjoying the story. You definitely don't want that to happen, especially if you intend to take your writing to greater heights. I can see where you're going with the story and the main character. From one writer to another, please do a thorough spelling and grammar check. You want your writing to leave an impression for the right reasons. This is just some constructive criticism. I'm not in the business of dissuading people. I hope this helps in some way!

 

[GoldLeaf]

I agree about the font and the color. It was hard on my eyes as well. Sorry

 

[Fleur De Guerre]

I agree with everyone regarding the distracting errors of spelling, grammar and punctuation. I think it could have potential, but hopefully this is a rough first draft? I'm not trying to be rude, so sorry if that it comes across like that.

 

[NicolettaRose]

Well yes, its just my first draft that I punched out in two days. Of coarse its going to an editor, I just wanted get people's basics ideas on the story and plot....Also that first that that you were correcting isn't part of the story, its just something I quickly typed out as a little introduction, its not going with the actual story. Its very nice of you folks to edit, but when I write, my mind moves very fast, and sometimes I don't get it all down. It would nice, if you read it just to tell me what you think of the basic plot/character scheme, and

 

[Miss_Bella_Hell]

Well yes, its just my first draft that I punched out in two days. Of coarse its going to an editor, I just wanted get people's basics ideas on the story and plot....Also that first that that you were correcting isn't part of the story, its just something I quickly typed out as a little introduction, its not going with the actual story. Its very nice of you folks to edit, but when I write, my mind moves very fast, and sometimes I don't get it all down. It would nice, if you read it just to tell me what you think of the basic plot/character scheme, and

In the future, you might get the grammar and punctuation issues fixed up before showing it to an audience - that way the focus on will be on content. Otherwise it's pretty much unreadable.

 

[NicolettaRose]

Thats interesting. Several gentleman from the board, and several friends of mine read it never once mentioned the grammer, I read it through myself and I can't see that it is "unreadable", maybe a few mistakes of coarse, also Myspace dosn't let me format it correctly, sometimes you loose some things when you cut and paste it over.

I think it has been mentioned several times that there are grammerical issues. Please I have asked, instead of beating a dead horse, if you ACTUALLY read it could you please give me some feedback on characters/plot.

 

[Miss_Bella_Hell]

Thats interesting. Several gentleman from the board, and several friends of mine read it never once mentioned the grammer, I read it through myself and I can't see that it is "unreadable", maybe a few mistakes of coarse, also Myspace dosn't let me format it correctly, sometimes you loose some things when you cut and paste it over.

I think it has been mentioned several times that there are grammerical issues. Please I have asked, instead of beating a dead horse, if you ACTUALLY read it could you please give me some feedback on characters/plot.

My tolerance must be lower than theirs. :deadhorse lol

 

[Miss Neecerie]

I think it has been mentioned several times that there are grammerical issues. Please I have asked, instead of beating a dead horse, if you ACTUALLY read it could you please give me some feedback on characters/plot.

Let me just say that if you wanted plot and character feeback, maybe you should have specified that in your original post.

I took your 'Here is my complete story' to mean it was not the first draft. And since you were not asking for plot advice....

 

[Dr Doran]

I think there is an ugly vibe in this room. She is asking for help on the plot and characters. Why not give her what she is asking for instead of nitpicking, and, worse, repeating things in a rather harsh way?

I will bet any of you ten thousand dollars that I can outgrammar anyone in this room (regardless of an occasional error on the Lounge) and I'm not giving her such a hard time. Further, one should not be so snitty about it if one wants to critique her!

 

[NicolettaRose]

Well...now I am I just thought that was implied, but if you didn't get it from my first post, here it is again, that is what I am looking for. I have a good friend who does editing for me, so I just ask, if you have critisism to give me,please let it be about my characters/plot, I just don't see a point to having another reply by anyone saying " By the way, your grammer was off." Because like 5 people have posted that already. All I ask again, is that if actually read my story, please give me feedback on the CHARACTERS/PLOT, and if the grammer bother you too much, you don't have to read it, but to keep posting about how bad the grammer is I think is a big waste of time...

 

[Midnight Palace]

I said I definitely liked the story idea and the characters. I think you're on a very good road with those. I don't think I was harsh in my original reply and if I was, it certainly wasn't intentional.

 

[Miss_Bella_Hell]

Let me just say that if you wanted plot and character feeback, maybe you should have specified that in your original post.

I took your 'Here is my complete story' to mean it was not the first draft. And since you were not asking for plot advice....

This is what I thought too.

 

[Dr Doran]

Let me just say that if you wanted plot and character feeback, maybe you should have specified that in your original post.

I took your 'Here is my complete story' to mean it was not the first draft. And since you were not asking for plot advice....

Clearly she meant "a complete DRAFT."

It is rather unrealistic to expect a young (see her photo) writer to pull out a finished Nabokov, and it is hardly encouraging to such a writer when one is not somewhat careful about how one expresses critiques.

I teach undergraduates ... but these things are obvious and should not require teaching experience to figure out.

 

[NicolettaRose]

That's ok. I don't mind if ONE person tells me about grammer, but to have 5 people? I think its just overkill....Like I said, I have a couple of friends who love editing and will do that for me...All I just wanted was some suggestions for my first draft on characters/plot, also with the "noir" like quality. I don't want to a slave to the genre, as I always like to go outside the box with my writing, but I do want to stick to some of the bare bones of what the noir genre is about.Here are some questions for people who read it:


Do you feel there could have been more description?

Do you feel like it could have been darker?

Do you feel like I could have used more slang of the era?

Was it to long, too short?

Do you want more insight and backround on the main character?