I need some change!

[AnnaMaria]

I need some ideas for how to move on after a break up. Me and my boyfriend broke up about a month ago. He was my first real love and I still have strong feelings for him. I had to end the relationship though, because he had some violent tendencies that I just couldn’t accept. He want us to get back together and part of me want so too, but I know that it wont work, he is too immature for me and we want so different things in life, so even if he learn to manage his anger I still think it will be better for me to find someone else.

We lived together in my apartment, so now I’m left alone in what used to be our common home and is constantly reminded of him. We live in a small town and are both part of the local Rockabilly crowd so we will see each other quite a lot too and have decided to try and stay friends if possible.

So I feel that I need some changes to move on easier. I have signed up for a lindy hop class (in another town) to meet some new people and I’ve ordered some nice lingerie from WKD to spoil myself a little. But what else can I do? All help is appreciated.

 

[Lothlorien]

I've noticed that it always helped me to change my hairstyle, either colouring my hair, cutting it off, or letting it grow. ;-)
A little bit of redecorating your home might also work, even if it's only small things. Maybe you could get rid of some stuff that your ex bought or just put them out of sight so that they won't be constant reminders of your relationship.

All the best wishes to you,

Lothlorien

 

[PS]

It's all about time. Each day that passes, each hour for that matter. I won't say that time heals because for me it hasn't. I just know that little by little it hurts less.

Take Care.xoxo

 

[Josephine]

I agree with the redecorating, but I would go so far as to totally rearrange the furniture (as much as you can). Do some things he didn't like to, eat food, he didn't like. Keep busy, and good luck!

 

[epr25]

I agree with the redecorating. It is hard to be in the same place. Everywhere you turn there are memories. That makes it harder. So the more change the better. Paint the place the one color he hated and you loved. But in your heart you know what you did is the right thing. At least you broke up before you were married. I think the classes are a great idea. Maybe you will meet an entirely new group of people. That would help. I would also say do all the things he never wanted to do. Shop or eat at a particular restaurant anything he kept you from doing. That way you will reaffirm that you are ok by yourself and you are a free agent now.

 

[The Shirt]

I hate to be the one to say this - but nothing gets me over a guy like a new crush. Is there anyone else that trips your trigger? I wouldn't necessarily jump right into something as I believe that it takes some time for a heart to heal. But having a harmless crush or flirting again can help me focus on something different than the one I chose to end things with.

Redecorating, changing my look, taking a class are all fabulous ideas. How about taking a trip somewhere to focus on you or something you've wanted to do? Reconnecting with your girlfriends perhaps?

If it helps - violent behaviors don't tend to go away with time and if it is something that was getting out of hand in your mind - you made a good decision, as difficult as it was.

 

[Flitcraft]

Re-paint the apartment.
Go out with a bunch of different people (just to go out- no hank panky at first)!
Take at least one class in something you've always been curious about, but never tried.
Really, the more time you invest in yourself, the more interesting you become, the easier it is to meet someone new.

 

[Josephine]

I had to end the relationship though, because he had some violent tendencies that I just couldn’t accept. He want us to get back together and part of me want so too, but I know that it wont work, he is too immature for me and we want so different things in life, so even if he learn to manage his anger I still think it will be better for me to find someone else.

ps, and I should have mentioned this before, but I believe you did the right thing. Good for you! :eusa_clap :eusa_clap

 

[dhermann1]

Harmless?

I hate to be the one to say this - but nothing gets me over a guy like a new crush. Is there anyone else that trips your trigger? I wouldn't necessarily jump right into something as I believe that it takes some time for a heart to heal. But having a harmless crush or flirting again can help me focus on something different than the one I chose to end things with.

Yes, but it's also not fair to fool around with somebody who might take it more seriously than you. It's not nice to use an unwitting individual to work out your issues in another relationship. (Please pardon my intrusion, but I had to respond to that.)

 

[The Shirt]

To elaborate on "harmless crushes" - A crush doesn't necessairly mean that I am doing anything more than admiring from afar or daydreaming about someone.
I do believe one has to take things at their own speed after a break-up. Sometimes I have been in relationships that were so unpleasant that when they are over, I am ready to move on emotionally. Other times- not so much. I would never want to hurt someone inadvertantly by carrying things further than I was willing to back up.
I think that it has always done me good, that even when I may be feeling blue over the ending of a relationship with a person, it makes me feel good to smile at someone else or to admire someone from afar. When I am ready I may choose to pursue things with more conversations or even asking someone out. When a person projects a happy self - others seem to be more drawn to them. Even if there is nothing more than the will to feel better by smiling on the outside, the inside tends to catch up.

 

[The Shirt]

whoops

 

[desi_de_lu_lu]

Keep reminding yourself WHY you got out. It is about self-love. Keep putting yourself first in everything that you do....nothing is quite the catalyst for change in our lives like a breakup.

Now, go out and have fun and enjoy your life! Good luck:cheers1: !

 

[Kitty_Sheridan]

As a serious aside, if he had violent tendancies don't take him back, I'm speaking from experience.
Be friends, but make it clear you're not looking to get back together.
Do something you've always wanted to do, even if it's a course or a new hobby.
Good luck and keep smiling!
K

 

[gluegungeisha]

The first thing I always do after a break-up is delete his number from my phone. That way, I'm not [as] tempted to call him.

Then you have to distract yourself! Spend time with your girlfriends, and go out every night. Watch lots of silly movies. I second getting a new hairdo! Take bubble baths. Cook an amazing meal for one, or for you and your friends.

Stay present to your feelings, but don't let them get in the way of your logic.

 

[AnnaMaria]

Thank you all for the ideas and the kind words!

Unfortunatly I didn't get accepted to the dance class, but I decided to use some of the money ment for that on a new hair cut (don't know how drastic I dare to be though, I'm quite a coward when it comes to changing my hair).

I see what you mean about the crush. Just some harmless flirting to make you feel pretty and remebering that there are other guys out there.

This weekend I will spend with my dearest girlfriend who I haven't seen in ages even though we only live an hour apart. We will drink wine and chat and listen to good music.

I also realised that I have alredy started doing things I couldn't during the realtionship. I've started knitting again (how rebellious of me). I could never do that while we where toghether because my ex didn't felt loved enough if I didn't gave him my full attention all the time.

I will keep working on this.
Thanks again!

 

[Josephine]

I've started knitting again (how rebellious of me). I could never do that while we where toghether because my ex didn't felt loved enough if I didn't gave him my full attention all the time.

Yeah, big warning flag. Glad you're out of that. :eusa_clap

 

[imoldfashioned]

Good suggestions from all the ladies here. I just wanted to add my voice to the chorus praising you for having the strength to leave that relationship. Good for you for recognizing that the violent tendencies and contol issues were big red flags. It may be hard now but it was the right thing to do; you deserve better. Knit yourself a lovely celebratory scarf or the like!

 

[dakotanorth]

After the breakup

I need some ideas for how to move on after a break up. Me and my boyfriend broke up about a month ago. He was my first real love and I still have strong feelings for him. I had to end the relationship though, because he had some violent tendencies that I just couldn’t accept. He want us to get back together and part of me want so too, but I know that it wont work, he is too immature for me and we want so different things in life, so even if he learn to manage his anger I still think it will be better for me to find someone else.

We lived together in my apartment, so now I’m left alone in what used to be our common home and is constantly reminded of him. We live in a small town and are both part of the local Rockabilly crowd so we will see each other quite a lot too and have decided to try and stay friends if possible.

So I feel that I need some changes to move on easier. I have signed up for a lindy hop class (in another town) to meet some new people and I’ve ordered some nice lingerie from WKD to spoil myself a little. But what else can I do? All help is appreciated.

Advice is just that- an opinion. With that in mind....
Don't start doing things simply because he didn't like them- this mean HE is still influencing your decisions! Do things REGARDLESS of his likes or dislikes. "I want to eat Sushi. He doesn't like sushi. That doesn't matter, his opinion doesn't COUNT anymore, _I_ get to choose for myself." That kinda thing.
I am THRILLED you are taking up swing dancing! I think Herrang is coming up soon, isn't it?
You should fly out to LA and visit all of us! We can take you shopping! Or to the beach.

 

[true vintage]

I went through something similar six-months ago and I've given myself time to mourn and for that reason it's been different from other break-ups. I'm not interested in moving on just to forget him, I'd rather paint, read, study, pray, and continue to admire sunsets!
I love my space. and I know in due time "the right one" will come-it's worth the wait!

Mathew 7:6 "Do not toss your pearls to swine."

 

[ShortClara]

I could never do that while we where toghether because my ex didn't felt loved enough if I didn't gave him my full attention all the time.

Time to give YOU all your attention so you feel loved Good job getting out! There are better fellas out there and you deserve one!