Graveside Service Etiquitte

[rrog]

Does anyone know what hat etiquette calls for when one is officiating at a graveside/committal service? And more specifically, is there a distinction between standing under the shade tent with the family and not being under the tent? I've never really given it much thought but I did a funeral the other day where there was an honor guard that did the flag-folding ceremony. While performing the ceremony, they were under the tent and did not uncover (remove hats). So that got me to wondering. Should I remove my hat while under the tent or just continue with it on? For context, usually the minister(s) and the funeral home director lead the casket from the hearse to the grave site and as soon as the pallbearers set the casket in place and the family is seated, the service would begin.

Thanks in advance,
rrog

 

[cptjeff]

Even with the tent, that would still be considered outdoors, and I would not remove your hat.

As for hat selection, I wouldn't dare do anything but black.

 

[cybergentleman]

anything but black...hm

Hi disagree with the anything but black comment.

While, yes, we do associate black with funerals etc. I think that depending on the weather you can wear nearly anything, as long as it isn't flashy.

brown trench coat in the rain- feel free to wear a dark brown hat. just make sure it lacks a neon glow in the dark band and pheasant feather, or anything equally as offensive.

as for the tent- you are still outside, so yes, i agree on that one- keep the lid on.

overall, funerals are a somber occasion, but i don't think it is necessary to go out and buy a new black hat for the event. hats are outerwear, you wouldn't go out and buy new black shoes if you only had a dark grey suit and brown shoes would you?

 

[cptjeff]

Well, it depends on the funeral. But for a lot of services, perhaps even most, a gray or brown suit or overcoat would not be acceptable.

However, if those are accepted, a dark gray or dark brown hat would be fine to match, but I really can't see stretching it past that.

If it is really informal, with attendees wearing business casual or similar, then pretty much any fedora would do.

 

[avedwards]

Well, it depends on the funeral. But for a lot of services, perhaps even most, a gray or brown suit or overcoat would not be acceptable.

However, if those are accepted, a dark gray or dark brown hat would be fine to match, but I really can't see stretching it past that.

If it is really informal, with attendees wearing business casual or similar, then pretty much any fedora would do.

I'd say a dark grey fedora would be equally acceptable as black. What matters more IMO is that the suit is dark (blue, grey or black), that the shirt is white and that the tie is black with minimal or no pattern. I think accessories should be minimal, so plain cufflinks or button cuffs and only a white very simply folded pocket square if you choose to wear one.

Of course that's all just my opinion and I have only been to one funeral where I ended up being acceptably dressed in a black suit and a grey hat.

 

[rrog]

I have black and dark gray suits that I wear to funerals, so I usually wear a dark gray fedora. And around here, many people take time off from work to attend the graveside services, so dress ranges from factory/construction clothing to casual dress to business dress. Bear in mind, the funeral service itself is usually the night before, after a time of visitation/receiving of friends at the church or funeral home. So the graveside service is very short and more sparsely attended. Many times it's just the family.

I think one of my responsibilities as the officiating minister is to ensure I'm professionally and appropriately dressed for the occasion. While I've seen others in jeans at a graveside service, I'm always in a suit and tie with well-shined shoes and appropriate fedora. As someone already said, nothing flashy.

Thanks for all the thoughts and comments.

rrog

 

[Big Man]

While at the graveside during the active part of the service (when the minister is speaking) and when shaking hands with the family immediately following the closing prayer, I always remove my hat. If I were the minister (or had a "speaking part" in the service), I would most assuredly remove my hat during that time.

 

[Stoney]

While at the graveside during the active part of the service (when the minister is speaking) and when shaking hands with the family immediately following the closing prayer, I always remove my hat. If I were the minister (or had a "speaking part" in the service), I would most assuredly remove my hat during that time.

Ditto!

Remove your lid when attending the service regardless of weather in a tent or not. When the service starts the lid should come off, it should not go back on your head until you leave the service. It's OK to wear it before the service starts.

 

[carouselvic]

Big Man is right on this one, without a doubt.

 

[duggap]

I go with Stoney. I remember the story of Confederate General Johnston attending Sherman's funeral, he kept his head uncovered. It was a cold rainy day. He said Sherman would have done it for him. Shortly thereafter, he died from what many thought was what he caught at the funeral.

 

[RBH]

Being a Freemason... at a masonic service the only one with a head covering is the Master of the Lodge.
He removes his hat when he prays and when he invokes the name of the deity.
During a masonic service no one else [only freemasons] wears a hat.
Other people may be wearing one.

I would think this would work for anyone doing a funeral service.
And keep in mind we are outside at the grave side.

 

[Barrelhouse]

Firstly, I think you have a lot of leeway regarding hat color. Anything fairly conservative that goes with your clothes is probably ok. I personally always wear either a black or dark blue hat or no hat at all. I really don't think there is a firm rule here. The gray fedora in your avatar Rrog would seem to me to be perfectly respectable in any situation.

Secondly, and more importantly, I do think there is a solid rule about uncovering one's head during a graveside service. I could be mistaken but I think, as noted above, one should always bear one's head at the start of the service and keep it so until its conclusion in a sign of respect to the deceased and their kin. The only exception might be if it were raining or bitterly cold. If one is officiating the service I should think this is double true although some denomination have very clear cut rules about clerical hats and I think they are almost always worn during the service.

Thanks for starting this thread. I have attended far too many of these services of late and would like to know definitively what the correct etiquette is myself.

 

[Mike in Seattle]

As others have said, I'd consider the canopy a non-permanent structure for the comfort of the bereaved. I'd say leaving the hats on is abundantly acceptable.

 

[Blackthorn]

I attended a graveside funeral recently in Sacramento, CA where the temperature was hovering around 95 to 100 degrees. I wore a dark grey suit and my Stetson Temple in caribou, the one pictured in my avatar. Out of 150 people I was the only one with any form of head covering and after it was over, I got many comments on how I was the only smart person there. Many said they wished they had thought of wearing a hat. There were many very sunburned folk later at the reception. Maybe California is different, though, more laid back than the rest of the world. Perhaps a Panama would have been better, but I don't own one.

 

[RobFedoraField]

Hey Rrog

no humpty dumpty commments this time

I didn't realize you were a man of the cloth, very noble life path. I've been trying to get my minister to wear a fedora for a while.

I know it's a stretch, but are you familar with the Jellico / straight creek area. That's where my daddy was born and raised.

 

[scotrace]

With respect to the lidded, Big Man has it exactly right. No hats on gentlemen at the graveside service, and the officiating pastor should absolutely not wear a head covering unless it is of religious significance (yarmulke). As Pastor, you should set the example, rain or shine, by removing your hat in a discreet way that nevertheless makes it known that men present are to do the same.
At a funeral, respect for the dead and bereaved trumps whether or not you are standing on carpet or lawn, under roof or sky. And showing respect means the hat comes off, whether you are marking your respect in the street when encountering a superior, a lady, an elderly gentleman, or the deceased or their surviving family at a funeral.
Black, gray, dark brown, navy, anything that matches your attire can be worn until at graveside and, after shaking hands with the family, when making your way back to your car.. No boaters. No Fuller's Earth-dusted Indy hats.



Most men are of standard size and can go to a clothier and buy a ready-made black suit. Otherwise they must borrow, or wear what they have, as no tailor can make a suit in twenty-four hours. - Emily Post, 1922

 

[gtdean48]

I know that I uncover as a funeral procession passes by as a display of respect to the departed & the family in mourning, so I figure I'd uncover if I was at the graveside service as well.

 

[rrog]

after it was over, I got many comments on how I was the only smart person there. Many said they wished they had thought of wearing a hat. There were many very sunburned folk later at the reception.

And what's more, I've seen people pass out because of the heat or at the very least, feel "faint" to the point of needing to be assisted to the nearest car to sit down and be given some water (not at services I've officiated; I try to keep it short and simple at the graveside). Yes, it gets quite hot and humid here in TN also. One thing I've noticed is that I'm seeing more hats at funerals than I did even three or four years ago.

Also, I've noticed that the funeral home attendants don't uncover during any part of the graveside. Maybe they fall under the "we're working and it's part of our job" category. [huh] But I also bear in mind that many of the funeral home attendants are part-time workers or retired pastors, so it's possible they don't know the exact etiquette concerning hats at a graveside service.

Good answers all. Thanks for your input. I think I'm going to call a couple of funeral home directors to get their input on this. I would hope they'd know for sure.

rrog

 

[High Pockets]

Out of nothing but the utmost respect for the deceased and family,
I could never wear anything but black, and can't imagine not removing my hat, either at the graveside or in the family's presence.

I was taught to remove my hat to show respect at any time,...regardless of the situation.

 

[tonyb]

Having attended memorials/funerals/"celebrations of life" marking the passing of characters ranging from bikers to bankers, I can only offer that the prevailing sense of appropriate attire and decorum differs quite notably from group to group. Believe me, I've been to funerals where even a sport coat and khakis would've seemed a tad overdressed.

I just remind myself that the gathering is for those suffering through a time of terrible loss, to be supportive of them and to show that their beloved was well regarded by others. So their sensibilities trump any other considerations.

We all know that simply wearing a hat might draw attention, so donning one at all might be pushing the bounds. (Not necessarily, of course, and perhaps not likely, but it might.) After all, the funeral is not about me (not yet, anyway) and it's only decent to keep it that way.

It's a safe assumption, I think, that there are very few circumstances under which anyone is likely to take exception with a man going hatless at the graveside. There's a far greater chance that someone (or several someones) will object to the hat.