Clean Jokes

[Bamaboots]

Ex-wife and ex-mother-in-law are both lawyers. Wish them no ill will. And no extra kidneys.
:roll:

 

[jamespowers]

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Mercedes in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.

As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver's side.

The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up. Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Mercedes, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"What!" screamed the lawyer. "My Rolex is gone!"

 

[jamespowers]

A forester and a lawyer were in car accident and showed up at the pearly gates together. St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates and takes them to the homes where they will spend all of eternity.

They get into St. Peter's holy vehicle and head on down a gold road, which turns into a platinum road, which turns onto an even grander road paved with diamonds, to a huge mansion where St. Peter turns to the lawyer and says, here is your home for the rest of eternity, enjoy! And if there is anything you need, just let me know.

Then St. Peter took the forester to his home, back down the diamond studded boulevard, down the platinum highway, down the street of gold, down an avenue of silver, along a stone alley and down an unpaved footpath to a shack. St Peter says "Here you go" and goes to leave when the forester says "Waitaminute!, how come the lawyer gets the big mansion and I get this shack?"

St. Peter says: "Well, Foresters are a dime a dozen here, we have never had a lawyer before."

 

[jamespowers]

A local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um...no." "--or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted, "--or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again: "--so if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?!?"

 

[jamespowers]

As soon as the newlyweds returned from their honeymoon, the young bride called her mother, who lived a couple of hours away. "How did everything go?" her mom asked.

"Oh, mother," she began, "The honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic, we had a terrific time. But, mother, on our way back, Andy started using really horrible language. Stuff I'd never heard before. Really terrible four-letter words. You've got to come get me and take me home. Please, Mother!" the new bride sobbed over the telephone.

"But, honey," the mother countered, "What four-letter words?"

"I can't tell you, mother, they're too awful! Come get me, please!"

"Darling, you must tell me what has gotten you so upset.... Tell mother what four-letter words he used."

Still sobbing, the bride said, "Mother, words like dust, wash, iron, cook."

 

[Zombie_61]

A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says, "Five beers, please!"

 

[Benny Holiday]

A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says, "Five beers, please!"

haha love it!

JP I'm glad I'm not a lawyer! lol

 

[jamespowers]

haha love it!

JP I'm glad I'm not a lawyer! lol

Oh you want some more lawyer jokes? Good!

A man who was having heart trouble went to the doctor to see what his options were. Naturally, the doctor recommended a heart transplant. The man reluctantly agreed, and asked if there were any hearts immediately available, considering that money was no object.

"I do have three hearts," said the doctor. "The first is from an 18-year old kid, non-smoker, athletic, swimmer, with a great diet. He hit his head on the swimming pool and died. It's $100,000.

The second is from a marathon runner, 24 years old, great condition, very strong. He got hit by a bus. It's $150,000.

The third is from a heavy drinker, cigar smoker, and a steak lover. It's $500,000."

"Hey, why is that heart so expensive? He lived a terrible life!"

"Yeah, but it's from a lawyer and never been used."


The Journal of the Massachusetts Bar recorded this exchange between an anonymous attorney and a pathologist in a recent murder trial:

"Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"

"No."

"Did you check for breathing?"

"No."

"So then, is it possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"

"No."

"How can you be so sure?"

"Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."

Even then, this would-be Perry Mason refused to throw in the towel:

"Is it possible the patient could be alive, nevertheless?"

"It is possible that he could have been alive," said the pathologist, "and practicing the law somewhere."

 

[Benny Holiday]

Two old rugby fanatics, George and Tommy, have gone to just about every local football game they could get to. They're lifelong members of their local club. One day they're talking about, of course, rugby when George says, "Do you reckon there's rugby in Heaven, mate?"

George says, "I dunno Tom. But you know what? We oughta make a pact. Whichever of us dies first should come back, if we can, and tell the other one about it."

Tommy reckons this is a grand idea.

At the end of the season, old Tommy takes ill and passes away. Not long after his memorial service, George is sitting on the park bench they used to sit at together and talk football every afternoon. While he's reminiscing about the old days, the park in front him suddenly grows light and he sees a vision of Tommy, young and in his prime, dressed in his rugby gear. Tommy says to him, "George! It's me, Tommy! Mate, I've got some great news, and some bad news too."

"What's the good news?" George wants to know.

"Rugby's everywhere up here in Heaven! Everyone here is young again, and it's always Springtime, and it's always sunny and even the referees are good!"

"That's great!"George says. "What's the bad news?"

Tommy tells him, "You're rostered on as full back for next week's game."

 

[jamespowers]

Two old rugby fanatics, George and Tommy, have gone to just about every local football game they could get to. They're lifelong members of their local club. One day they're talking about, of course, rugby when George says, "Do you reckon there's rugby in Heaven, mate?"

George says, "I dunno Tom. But you know what? We oughta make a pact. Whichever of us dies first should come back, if we can, and tell the other one about it."

Tommy reckons this is a grand idea.

At the end of the season, old Tommy takes ill and passes away. Not long after his memorial service, George is sitting on the park bench they used to sit at together and talk football every afternoon. While he's reminiscing about the old days, the park in front him suddenly grows light and he sees a vision of Tommy, young and in his prime, dressed in his rugby gear. Tommy says to him, "George! It's me, Tommy! Mate, I've got some great news, and some bad news too."

"What's the good news?" George wants to know.

"Rugby's everywhere up here in Heaven! Everyone here is young again, and it's always Springtime, and it's always sunny and even the referees are good!"

"That's great!"George says. "What's the bad news?"

Tommy tells him, "You're rostered on as full back for next week's game."

lol lol lol

 

[Benny Holiday]

Two more rippers JP! lol

 

[Benny Holiday]

Arguably the best football (rugby) to be seen here are the State of Origin matches, a contest of best out of 3 games between the New South Wales Blues and the Queensland Maroons. It's a huge, passionately-followed contest.

On the day before the last Origin game of the season is due to be played, a Sydney Morning Herald reporter is walking past the local football oval when he notices two 11 years old boys kicking a ball to each other. Suddenly, one of the boys is attacked by a savage Rottweiler that had been roaming stray in the park. Thinking quickly, his friend snatches up an old fence paling lying nearby, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, killing the dog and saving the other boy from a terrible mauling.

Amazed, the reporter grabs the notebook and pen he keeps handy in his jacket pocket and rushes over to interview the young hero. "Young Blues fan rescues friend from vicious animal," he says as he writes down a header for an article.

"But I'm not a New South Wales fan," the boy says matter-of-factly.

"You're not?" the reporter asks.

"No way."

"Sorry, I thought as we're in New South Wales you'd be a keen Blues supporter,"the reporter explained.

"Nah," said the kid, "I was born in Queensland. I'm a Maroons fan, Queensland all the way!"

The reporter scribbled out the headline he'd written and replaced it with, "Little redneck sh*t kills beloved family pet."

 

[jamespowers]

Two more rippers JP! lol

I've got a million of them.

What do lawyers use for birth control?
- Their personalities.

What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
- A tick falls off of you when you die.

Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
- To prevent clients from being billed twice for what is essentially the same service.

 

[Benny Holiday]

And every one makes me laugh!

 

[Zombie_61]

While my wife and I were having dinner a week ago, she suddenly looked at me and said, "I'm seeing another man." Needless to say, I was shocked because there were no warning signs. Fortunately, the problem was resolved after she met with my optometrist.

 

[Benny Holiday]

Zombie I had a chuckle at that one until I remembered that at my last optometrist appointment, the nice eye doctor cheerfully checked my
stats and commented, "At your age I guess we'll need to keep an eye out for it you need bifocals or not." :eeek:

 

[jamespowers]

A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer.

Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his lawyer neighbor and said, "Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?"

The lawyer replied, "Of course, how much was the roast?" "$7.98." said the butcher.

A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98.

Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150

 

[jamespowers]

What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the middle of the road?
- There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
- A Doberman.

What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
- One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

 

[Zombie_61]

Zombie I had a chuckle at that one until I remembered that at my last optometrist appointment, the nice eye doctor cheerfully checked my
stats and commented, "At your age I guess we'll need to keep an eye out for it you need bifocals or not." :eeek:

That decision is a tiny speck in the rear view mirror for me. My "far" vision is still 20/20, but it's been in a s-l-o-w decline since my early-20s. The Doc says my eyesight was probably 20/15 or better when I was younger, so I'm still seeing as well as most people without glasses but not quite as well as I formerly could. My "near" vision started fading about 20 years later, and now that I'm 53 I'm needing corrective lenses more and more often to read anything the size of the default font on this forum or smaller. Knowing my "far" vision would likely get worse as I grew older and that I'd need glasses to boost my "near" vision, I chose bifocals because I didn't want to have to constantly change back-and-forth from "far" to "near" glasses; it just seemed to be the most practical solution. [huh]

By the way, why are pirates so cool? I don't know, they just Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrh!

What do you call a bus load of lawyers going over a cliff? A good start.

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

 

[jamespowers]

How do you know a flower child has been living in your house?

The stinky sucker is still there.