Awesomely Bad Prose!

[Brian Sheridan]

In an other thread, I asked if anyone read "The Hook" series of paperback novels from the early 1980's. Here is the text from the back cover of #3 Hate Is Thicker Than Blood. It is PRICELESS!

"He's Bill Lockwood, insurance dick. Manhattan 1938. Educated by debs from Sutton Place and the whores of World War 1. Under his tux he packs a revolver; his Silver Cord is full of bullet holes. And someone's trying to run him off the road."

Does it get any cheesier than that?!

 

[reetpleat]

Anyone else heard of the contest where writers write a first line of a mystery thriller, and the worst one wins. Can't remember any details of it. When I lived in San Francisoc, I came up with something like "NIght in the city, and the fog rolled in like the balls of the old men playing bocci in the park, all damp and glistening."

 

[Cacklewack]

"NIght in the city, and the fog rolled in like the balls of the old men playing bocci in the park, all damp and glistening."

lol

 

[Polka Dot]

Anyone else heard of the contest where writers write a first line of a mystery thriller, and the worst one wins.

Yes! It's called the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest, named after the guy who initially wrote, "It was a dark and stormy night..."

http://www.bulwer-lytton.com/

 

[Senator Jack]

Years ago, this went around the internet in a chain mail. It came from a compiled list of bad prose submitted by grade-school children.

Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a
movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like
"Second Tall Man." (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Bad? It's brilliant! Teachers am stupid.

 

[Mr. Pinstripe Suit]

Ahhh...pulp!

"He's Bill Lockwood, insurance dick. Manhattan 1938. Educated by debs from Sutton Place and the whores of World War 1. Under his tux he packs a revolver; his Silver Cord is full of bullet holes. And someone's trying to run him off the road."

Does it get any cheesier than that?!

Ahhhhh...pulp! Gotta love it, if you can take it with a grain of cheeze.

Thankfully some of it is better than others and there's a great bookstore called "Kayo Books" in SF, CA that is:

specializing in Vintage Paperbacks from the 1940s to 1970s and esoteric books of all persuasions. Our small store is like a museum of pulp fiction and non-fiction. The stock presents a glimpse into the lurid past of dimestore novels, sleazy 1960s exploitation, and 1970s pop culture.
​

They have a selection of high-quality vintage books too, but surprisingly, your example is present in more flavors than you never dreamed existed. Every once in a while I pick up one amidst my other cheeze-less pulp treasures from this gem of a store.

Kevin

 

[reetpleat]

My friend has been listening to vintage radio on some channel she found, with her son.

I was listening in and heard part of a program about an insurance investigator. I thought to myself, who the hell would want to listen to a program about a guy who works for na insurance company. Real exciting.

He probably goes to parties and tries to convince people that insurance is a lot more interesting than they might think.

 

[Naama]

"NIght in the city, and the fog rolled in like the balls of the old men playing bocci in the park, all damp and glistening."

Makes me want to read on!


Naama

 

[Helen Troy]

The best/worst pulp I know is the books about Jonas Fjeld, written in the 30s-40s by a Norwegian writer. The hero, doctor Jonas Fjeld, is an extremely strong, tough, intelligent, semi-fascist adventurer, fighting evil anarchists and such scum. He is described in one of the books with the following line: (...let me translate...):

His muscles played as obedient children under his shirt.

When it comes to pompous writing, I think that one is hard to beat.

 

[Sunny]

My friend has been listening to vintage radio on some channel she found, with her son.

I was listening in and heard part of a program about an insurance investigator. I thought to myself, who the hell would want to listen to a program about a guy who works for na insurance company. Real exciting.

He probably goes to parties and tries to convince people that insurance is a lot more interesting than they might think.

That would be "Yours Truly, Johnny Dollar." Don't knock it 'til you've tried it.

 

[Brian Sheridan]

That would be "Yours Truly, Johnny Dollar." Don't knock it 'til you've tried it.

Amen, sister. Johnny Dollar is the man with the action-packed expense account.

 

[reetpleat]

The best/worst pulp I know is the books about Jonas Fjeld, written in the 30s-40s by a Norwegian writer. The hero, doctor Jonas Fjeld, is an extremely strong, tough, intelligent, semi-fascist adventurer, fighting evil anarchists and such scum. He is described in one of the books with the following line: (...let me translate...):

His muscles played as obedient children under his shirt.

When it comes to pompous writing, I think that one is hard to beat.

Odd, but in a way, it captures an image of a guy who is strong and muscular, but extremely well disciplined and controlled. Very Noir. I can't decide if I love or hate that line.

 

[reetpleat]

That would be "Yours Truly, Johnny Dollar." Don't knock it 'til you've tried it.

800 episodes, i am impressed.

I did listen in and it soulded pretty good. I just thought it was funny that he was an insurance investigator. I wonder if it was different back then, or if they had to overcome the fact that he was not just a regular private eye as opposed to "insurance investigator."

I sure doubt you could sell a modern tv show with a name like that.

 

[Sunny]

800 episodes, i am impressed.

I did listen in and it soulded pretty good. I just thought it was funny that he was an insurance investigator. I wonder if it was different back then, or if they had to overcome the fact that he was not just a regular private eye as opposed to "insurance investigator."

I sure doubt you could sell a modern tv show with a name like that.

It's been such a long time since I first heard it! But I think I remember feeling surprised, and thinking it sounded rather dull. Now, I think it's one of the best detective style shows on radio - and I'm pretty critical, since this is my favorite genre. The insurance investigator twist opens up a particular field with a huge amount of variation. Johnny was a freelance investigator, and insurance companies would call him in when there was a crime involving a policy or policy-holder, they suspected fraud, or even if something strange was going on. He was hired as a bodyguard more than once. Faked deaths and arson are just two more things. Johnny would often work with the police in the case of murder or theft of an insured item or commodity. There were more than a few episodes that weren't official insurance investigations, either. Johnny could get involved, or be targeted, in various messes that may or may not have had insurance angles.

The "Yours Truly" title came about because most episodes (it changed slightly throughout the 12+ year run) were told in the form of an expense report. At the end, Johnny would sign his name to the report; hence, "Yours truly, Johnny Dollar."

 

[reetpleat]

It's been such a long time since I first heard it! But I think I remember feeling surprised, and thinking it sounded rather dull. Now, I think it's one of the best detective style shows on radio - and I'm pretty critical, since this is my favorite genre. The insurance investigator twist opens up a particular field with a huge amount of variation. Johnny was a freelance investigator, and insurance companies would call him in when there was a crime involving a policy or policy-holder, they suspected fraud, or even if something strange was going on. He was hired as a bodyguard more than once. Faked deaths and arson are just two more things. Johnny would often work with the police in the case of murder or theft of an insured item or commodity. There were more than a few episodes that weren't official insurance investigations, either. Johnny could get involved, or be targeted, in various messes that may or may not have had insurance angles.

The "Yours Truly" title came about because most episodes (it changed slightly throughout the 12+ year run) were told in the form of an expense report. At the end, Johnny would sign his name to the report; hence, "Yours truly, Johnny Dollar."

Just watched The Thomas Crown Affair (the original) Pretty good. Working the insurance investigator angle.

 

[Fletch]

"He's Bill Lockwood, insurance dick. Manhattan 1938. Educated by debs from Sutton Place and the whores of World War 1. Under his tux he packs a revolver; his Silver Cord is full of bullet holes. And someone's trying to run him off the road."

Does it get any cheesier than that?!

yeah, but that's already bubbling and gooey with cheesiness.
First, insurance investigators never drove Cords or hung with debutantes. The home office would have looked down on such highfalutin'.
Second, if you did have a Cord, you could afford to patch any bullet holes (even with pure Silver).
Third, "Bill Lockwood" is not a very snappy name, which may be the most plausible thing about him. Bill Lockwood goes around in a second hand Pontiac and was "educated" by waitresses and hat check girls. He may carry, but the only airing his tux gets is at banquets of the Actuaries' & Appraisers' Association.
Finally, Insurance Dick would've been a much better title.

 

[Barry]

Here's one from "Johnny Dynamite" a comic by Max Allen Collins & Terry Beatty. (AiT/PlanetLar 2003).

"Yea, Dynamite is my legal name. John, but everybody calls me Johnny. I was born Jonathan Goorwitz, on the West Side of Chicago. Maxwell Street. Pop was a rag dealer. Ma sewed. I had two brothers - one died in a trolley-car accident the other at Argonne. Sis married a doctor. Good for her."

Road to Perdition was better...

 

[griffer]

His muscles played as obedient children under his shirt.

Addding this to my signature on many, many forums.

Harry Stephen Keeler, discover him you must.

 

[reetpleat]

Here's one from "Johnny Dynamite" a comic by Max Allen Collins & Terry Beatty. (AiT/PlanetLar 2003).

"Yea, Dynamite is my legal name. John, but everybody calls me Johnny. I was born Jonathan Goorwitz, on the West Side of Chicago. Maxwell Street. Pop was a rag dealer. Ma sewed. I had two brothers - one died in a trolley-car accident the other at Argonne. Sis married a doctor. Good for her."

Road to Perdition was better...

Is he Napoleaon's brother?

 

[Helen Troy]

Odd, but in a way, it captures an image of a guy who is strong and muscular, but extremely well disciplined and controlled. Very Noir. I can't decide if I love or hate that line.

I know! It's so bad that it's good. Or something. His books are packed with lines like this. And everywhere tihis man (Jonas Fjeld) goes in the world, no matter what happens, he always gets the wanted response saying: "Let me though! I`m a norwegian doctor!